For Ever

fifteen

dear ever,

what the world has come to. it feels like i'm replaying the moments in my life where you were still here, with me. as if the more i remember, the more i reminisce those past memories it will somehow bring you back. but it won't right?

i'm in a stagnant place right now, ever. if you still remember, i hate being stagnant. i hate feeling stuck. but for the past months, that's all i ever felt. stuck.

i'm currently at our favorite cafe, near university. the one hidden near the back gate. our safe place, when the stress finally reaches to us both we unwind there. when we fought we go there as a sign to talk it out. this cafe brought me peace, and to you as well. but now it only brings me happy memories that made my heart sting and stomach churn. can i still call them happy memories when it brings me pain?

odd enough, my favorite memory of you and i, in this cafe was our first fight. where you gave me a small white flag, waving it at me.

The smell of rain was my favorite scent. Somehow the world knows how to calm me down. Whenever I get angry or sad, the sky cries with me. I know it's just a coincidence but it's my way of thinking that I'm not alone.

You and I had our first fight, stress was creeping to us both. We were easily irritated and to be completely honest I was feeling a little insecure. Ever since we got together I've been hearing side comments. How I was not good enough for you and the more I hear those comments, the more I believe in it. I wasn't active in extracurricular activities, I'm barely passing my subjects, and the best word to describe me is average. There is nothing special about me and like they said I'm not a match for the great Everest. I'm no match for you.

My coping mechanism for stress became evident. Plus the feeling of becoming a baggage to you made me feel even worse. I know I had to do something to make them stop talking about it. Sadly, I can't change my looks and I can't just join in extracurricular activities out of the blue. The only thing I could improve on was to study. Study harder, to excel even in just one aspect. So somehow I can be better for you.

I was avoiding you, Ever. But the fact that my last class of the day was right next to the student council's office was not helping. I know you were in the office, Ever. You were always there waiting for me to finish my class. If this was an ordinary day I'd stop by and pick you up or you'd even wait for me just outside the door. Although today, you didn't.

"Still not talking?"

I softly gasped in surprise as I heard Bree talk to me. I didn't even notice she already arrived to our room. She went nearer to pat my back. Consoling me and trying to cheer me up. I felt her thumb caress my cheek and when she pulled it away I saw that it was damp. I didn't even notice I was crying. I took three deep breaths and then forced a smile.

"I'm okay," I muttered softly. My voice just above a whisper. If Bree wasn't this close, I know she would barely hear it.

"It's okay not to be okay, Tani."

It's been five months ever since the hill. In those long five months not once did we have a fight this big. We bickered and had small fights, that looking back now I know we can laugh about but it was never to the point that I'll avoid you and you'd avoid me. Everything feels foreign as of the moment and I didn't like it one bit.

I wrapped my hands on Bree's waist, hugging her tighter and resting my head on the crook of her neck. Her uniform slowly beginning to dampen as my tears flowed freely. My eyes were beginning to puff and redden. My nose was starting to get stuffed, which made breathing even harder.

"I have to say sorry Bree, I can't go on a full day without talking to him. I'm so stupid, why did I have to let my pride get the best of me," I rambled taking small breaths in between. My thumbs were fiddling agains each other and I was trying my best to contain my tears.

"How about dinner? Then we'll go find him," she suggested and I nodded. Bree and I grabbed our jackets and went out the door. She held my hand and led me out, she was treating me like a fragile glass that would break any moment. We went to the cafe and when I was about to enter I saw you. My grip tightened on Bree's and I heard her gasp.

Your eyes were swollen like mine, redder even. There was unshed tears, making your eyes glisten. I felt a tear drop on my cheeks and began to wipe it. We stood in silence, facing each other. Not knowing what to say or how to start a conversation.

You made the first move. You reach down in your pocket and pulled out a mini white flag and then started waving it at me. "I surrender, I'm sorry."

I laughed out loud as tears were still forming in my eyes. I let go of Bree and ran towards you. I wrapped my arms around you and hugged you tightly, "I'm sorry for being such a bitch, I just couldn't handle what they were saying. I wanted to prove to them and myself that I am deserving of you. Ever, I'm sorry for hurting you."

"Tani, I like you. What others say doesn't matter. You know what does matter? You and I. The opinion that should matter about us, should be coming from us. I'm sorry for bursting like that," you explained and I nod. You were right, the only opinion that should matter was coming from us.

"Sorry for being too occupied and cold, Ever."

"It's alright Tani, all is forgiven."

I buried my head to your chest. Inhaling the smell of your cologne. Breathing slow and finally calming down.