Love and Hate ‒ ʰᶦᵗᵒˢʰᶦ ˢ.

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⚠ tw: angst, mentions of death

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𝒯𝒪 𝑀𝒴 𝐹𝒜𝐼𝒯𝐻

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JUNE 11, 20XX

DEAR MOM.

Has it ever occurred to you how long it has been since I have given you such a genuine response? I really do not mean to do that most of the time. It has been a tough ride ever since we moved out of the old apartment. It has also been tougher once dad started changing after he got that promotion. Sometimes, I wonder how you do it all—how you manage to keep up that smile while your heart is breaking, how you manage to keep us safe when you, yourself are filled with the insecurities of the world around you. I know how hurt you are lately and I really do hope dad notices that too. But I'm not here to blame him for anything.

I'm really just tired, mom...

But don't get me wrong! Life with all of you has been really nice! And it's funny how indefinite my life here on Earth would be until you see this letter. You remind me a lot of spring, Mom. Why? You give us so much hope despite the cold winter that passes. You bloom in extraordinary places and ways that we cannot even fathom. But for now, the coldness of the snow crept inside my soul and stayed there, drowning me in the process. You were always the sun that stung my skin when I needed comfort and it would be wrong if I said you did not do a good job at it.

Mom, I'm sorry if I had disappointed you in any way. I apologize if there were days that did not treat you any better than we already do. The pain in this world is so harsh and sometimes, I blame myself for the pain that you are feeling. I always think that maybe if I tried hard enough then dad would not be so stressed out on his work and he could concentrate on you like he used to. But enough of that, the reason I'm writing this down is that I want to disappear.

Maybe permanently—maybe temporarily.

But I want you to know that none of this is your fault and I guess I just got the pressure to crush the last bits of my will to live. It might be selfish of me to say that I don't want to be here anymore and that I want to give up. I really want to stay, mom. You've been one of the people that anchored me down when I feel like the waves were going to crash my ship onto shore. You were my refuge when nothing else felt like safety. You were my light when everything else falls into darkness. You give me that sense of faith that everything will be alright—and maybe this is just me trying to find another way to tell you that I appreciate you so much.

You are my mother.

Until such circumstances that might change that decision—you will always be.

I love you and thank you for everything.

YOURS TRULY,
LOVE