I am dedicating this chapter to crisscrross17 thanks for the comment it means allot :). Ill keep dedicating to you lovelies. :)
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I feel like i failed in this chapter but i promise better to come. Enjoy i hope :)
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(ZAYN'S POV)
I slid the bracelet back and forth over my freshly opened raw cuts. I smiled at the pain liking how it felt. I looked around the table stopping at my mom. Couldn't she things were messed up? Didn't she care? Is that why she gone so long so she didn't have to face the fear? She should love us, she should be here. I look around at my sister they all know fear, they cry themselves to sleep almost every night. I try my best to keep them safe but even when i take the pain for them they still see and hear it all. There so young they don't understand whats happening. They just know that the one person they trusted the most was getting beat by another. They stopped trusting him so long ago. They come to my room to help me clean up even though they don't understand why I'm bleeding. They are to grown for their age yet there innocence stayed intact. My eyes reach the last person there. The one that causes this family so much hurt and pain. The person that tore us apart making even are own mother turn against us, my step dad. I never understood why he started. At first everything was great he was nice and caring more importantly he loved my mom. One night something in him changed he got dark he went out got drunk came home and that's were it all began. He went to hit my mom but luckily i was still awake i ran down to her trying to shield her. He yelled for me to move to let him handle this his way. He kept hitting over me so i did what i thought i had to I begged him to hit me instead of her. So he hit us both. He has never touched her again he pleaded with her to stay, that it was a one time thing. He promised things would get better and they did at least for them. He told me if i said a word of what he does he would kill us all i couldn't live knowing i was the reason for any of their deaths. I endear the pain i tell myself it only makes me stronger even though It was a lie. This made me weak If i wanted to really help my family i would get them out along time ago i just don't know how. I cant just leave with my sisters I couldn't take care of them on my own. That was before but i have a plan now and soon ill fix this for them if not for me. I looked back at my mom smiling a little to myself, shes home for once i can do what i need to and not have to worry about the consequence until later.
"Mom after dinner is it alright if i go for a walk?"From the corner of my eye I could see my step father glaring at me.He opened his mouth to speak.
"Zayn its a school..."He was cut off by my mother.
"Of course you can honey just be back by 11:00 and be careful."
"Thanks mom."I whispered. The look in his eyes made me regret saying anything at all. I needed to go out, i needed to think, i needed the air. But mostly i had a small job to handle. I had to get money from somewhere even if that means selling my beaten up body to perfect strangers. I tried getting a normal job but he told me i couldn't, told me that i shouldn't waste peoples time that i wasn't worth the trouble that i only caused it. I wasn't good enough to work i was nothing to anyone not even my mom. Told me that if i tried he would hurt them more then he already has.I knew i had to listen but i knew i had to leave I only get out the house twice a week three if lucky. so i did the only thing I knew how that would get me the right amount of money i needed in such little time.
I waited until after my sisters were sent to there rooms to leave. I tucked them in one by one telling them that even though it was still early to stay put until i got home to pretend sleep if anyone came in their rooms. I didn't think he would hit them he hasn't hit them in a very long time I'm his target now just as i wanted it to be. I pulled out my phone texting one of my regular customers.
~Its monday~I got an instant reply.
~Already waiting for you baby, I have the money all i need is you.~
I walked out of the old beaten up brick house feeling worse then i came. I stopped in front of a shop looking at my reflection in the window. I fixed myself up as much as i could with only my hands. I lite up a cigarette watching the end burn red. Sometimes i wonder what it would feel like if i just put it against my skin. Would it turn red like fire? Would i just burn like normal? Could i make the pain of it feel right like i did with my knife? I looked at it once more deciding i would find out later. I inhaled the smoke i could hear her words echoing through my brain. I know you want this , Let me take care of you baby, Tell me what you want, Scream it, beg for it. Look at you.! your nothing but a little whore taking advantage of a wealthy woman's body, Your useless! your nothing but a whore.! Harder zayn! Faster Zayn.! Listen to your master whore.! I'm all you have you little slut this here is all you'll ever be. I felt the tears threatening to fall but i refuse to let them. I wont let this make me weak. I wont let this destroy the person i am or use to be. I use to be known as the boy with to big of a heart. It always got broken because i let the wrong people in. I trusted people to easily and they failed me all the same, They used me for there own gain. I cried allot before but now I learned my lesson. I have been hurt to many times, trusted to many of the wrong people i locked up that big hearted boy and he will never come out again. I do what i need to get by, I do what i need for my sisters because only they see a small side of what i use to be. I looked at the watch that was set on my bruised wrist it read 10:00/ I still had an hour I didn't want to go early. I wanted to enjoy what i have now peace. Being alone isn't a problem anymore i was left alone so many times. The quiet isn't eerie its welcomed and the dark is something i almost crave. People would say it was nuts to be alone on this side of town but that small ounce of fear in the back of my mind encourages me to move forward. The fear is almost a rush of excitement. What if someone attacked me? Would they kill me? Would it hurt? Sometimes i walk by this small little river wondering just how deep it could be. Would i drowned?. I stopped dead in my tracks turning to go toward the water. I knew there was away to get underneath the broken bridge i wanted to find out. I want to walk until i see nothing while water filled my nose. I want to find out just how deep it is just how far ill go. When i finally found the small stony entrance I smiled not long now. I got half way down when i noticed the boy. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to tell him to leave to give me time alone but i couldn't my words were caught in my throat. I took one look at him he was crying. It wasn't the crying that stopped me i wouldn't have felt bad for that but it was how he switched his whole existence off in just a matter of a few thoughts. I seen his bent over body go straight, I seen his pained expression go blank, I seen his wet cheeks go dry but the scariest off it all is i seen everything hes ever been through in his eyes go black. It was like i was looking at a lifeless body. I moved closer unwillingly that's when he noticed he wasn't alone. His piercing blue eyes met mine i stepped back unsure. I knew this boy I knew him well. I watched him at school i knew he had a story to tell. He did a complete turn around had it all then fell. He sat alone like i did not wanting to be bothered to let down the walls. I thought i paid attention, i thought i had it worse but looking at him now alone with everything unguarded i knew nothing of pain like he did. I seen the way he was staring at the water. I thought of death allot. The thoughts crossed my mind a million times. Would it hurt? Would i feel it at all? Should i do it myself or should i just fall? Do i leave behind what i love or do i fight? Am i worth this or was he right? Should i do it in the day or during the night? Do i have what i takes or is all i ever thought fake? The questions you ask yourself when your ready to leave are endless but only a few matter. Looking at him i knew i could never of done it, I couldn't leave behind the ones i love but him? He was ready he was already gone. I knew i should say something maybe even move. I didn't want to scare him away i needed him to stay. I looked around for a moment that's when i seen the bags. Was he leaving? Running away? Is his problems so bad he couldn't stay? I looked back at him he was staring at me curiously. I Cleared my throat deciding to play it cool. I wouldn't let my guard down even to him. Maybe i wanted to help him but i wouldn't let him win.
"Your uh Niall right?"
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Ugh.! I feel like i didn't do enough for this chapter. Let me know what you think about it? Should i go back and change something or something? Let me know it would mean allot. Sorry for any mistakes im sure there are tons and as always thanks for reading it means the world to me. :)
