A Desire for More (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Chapter Fourteen: Confusion and Apprehension

You stood outside of Kylo's room with your arms crossed, deciding whether or not you should directly disobey his orders or listen to him.  One half of you wanted to just ignore him and go to your room out of spite, while the other half wanted to curl up in his comfy bed and just blindly hope that he would be comforting. 

Sighing, you pushed the button to open the door and walked in, deciding to listen to the less logical part of your body.  You made your way through the dark room and pulled off your boots and outer layers before collapsing into his bed.  You shut your eyes and curled up underneath the blankets, hoping that you would fall asleep before he showed up. 

Your mind wandered briefly to memories of your family, but instead of feeling sad, a sense of surrender came over you, as if your brain was finally letting go of what once was.  You tried to fight it, but you knew you had to move on.  You knew, as much as it killed you to admit it, that your family couldn't be a part of your future. You squeezed your eyes shut and let out a long exhale, deciding that, as painful as it was, it was time to leave your family behind. 

A wave of calm came over you as you fell asleep, even though you knew that in sleep, nightmares awaited you . 
__________________________
You opened your eyes and found yourself standing in the middle of burning tents and rubble.  You looked around for other people, but there were only piles of bodies and weapons scattered across the ground.  You opened your mouth to scream when You realized that they were the people from the neutral base, but all was silent.  All at once, darkness came over the camp and you felt as if you were being swallowed by it, as if  you couldn't escape, as if-

You sat up in bed panting and looked wildly around you, realizing that what had just happened was a dream.  You dropped your head into your hands and started sobbing, completely overwhelmed by the incredible fear you just experienced.

"Slona?"

You jumped at the sound of your name and, balling your hand into a fist, struck in the direction the sound came from.  You heard a soft grunt and felt your hand hitting something solid. 

You looked over to your right and gasped.  You looked down at sleepy Kylo and sobbed again, forgetting your surprise that he was even there.
He sat up and took your face into his hands, wiping the tears off your face.

"What happened?" His voice was soft, clouded by sleep.

You leaned forward and rested your forehead on his shoulder.

"It was just a dream," you sighed into his shirt and breathed in his wonderful scent.  "I was at the base again." 

He pulled you closer to his chest and gently ran his fingers through your hair.  You tensed against his body and you frowned in bewilderment. 

"I sense confusion in you,"  he pulled away to look at your face but gently kept his hand on your uninjured hip. 

"I just," you looked away from him. "I don't understand."  You looked back at him again, surprised by his also bewildered expression.  "You go from yelling at me and punishing me to this.  You remind me of my failures and weaknesses but then try and comfort me." 

He continued to stare at you and his fingers absentmindedly started tracing your body. 

"And every time I bring it up, I don't get an answer,"

His expression was blank as he looked at you, making you feel unsure of whether or not he was actually hearing you.  "It'd be nice if I could just have one of your alternate personalities."

He snorted, but without a word, he pulled you against his body and leaned back onto the bed with you on top of him, carefully avoiding touching your wounded hip or shoulder.  You rested your head on his chest and shut your eyes, trying to sense what was happening inside of him. 

As his arms wrapped around you, you tried to ignore your own feelings and instead focus on him: you hadn't realized before how difficult it was.  You relaxed against him while also relaxing your mind, reaching outside of yourself. 

You could sense different feelings and emotions: exhaustion, confusion, and a slight sense of fear.  But beyond that, there was a sense of contentment and a feeling that was difficult to label: affection. 

All of a sudden, he pushed you off of him and then pinned you to the bed, kneeling over you.

"What are you doing?"  He growled at you, his eyes were wild and looked frightened.  "What are you trying to do?"

You were taken aback by the look of fear in his eyes, finding yourself feeling afraid of this strong man looking like a terrified child. 

"Nothing!" You stuttered, trying to throw him off your track.  "I was just, well, I was trying to sense what you were feeling." 

His expression didn't soften and in attempts to make himself feel in control, one hand pinned your arms above your head while the other took hold of your throat.  You stared at him in confusion, caught off guard by his fear and defensiveness.  What is he trying to hide?

"Kylo," you whispered his name against his hand and looked up at him with a soft expression. 

He sighed and shut his eyes and when he opened them, he looked more calm, but he still looked at you warily.  He climbed off of you and laid back down on the bed before pulling your body against him once more. 

"I hadn't realized that your powers had grown," he mumbled against your skin as if he was embarrassed to say it.  "I see I've taught you well." 

You giggled slightly but cringed at the sound, wanting to maintain the brief sense of power you had had over him. 
He pulled you even closer to him and wrapped his arms around you.  You nuzzled your face into his neck, still feeling somewhat bewildered. 

Why is this man, one of the strongest men in the galaxy, acting intimidated by me?

You rested in his embrace and listened to his soft breathing as he fell asleep, completely in awe of this confusing man, holding you as he slept.