A Desire for More (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Chapter Nineteen: One Thing Hasn't Changed

After leaving the medbay, you wandered around Starkiller Base for hours, avoiding interacting with anyone, thinking to yourself. You reflected on your conversation with Dr. Canmore, trying to figure out what your next move was going to be.

Your fight with Kylo kept playing over and over in your mind, almost making yourself sick just thinking about it. You finally realized that Kylo was the only thing keeping you tied to the First Order, and honestly, he was the only thing that tied you to everything.

It had been months since you were taken from your family and weeks since you had let them go, their memory no longer taking up space in your mind. You despised the First Order and everything that they stood for, everything that they did. And though you were emotionally connected to the Resistance, you had no real relationships in their organization; you knew that they either didn't know you existed or only associated you with the First Order, not knowing that you were desperately trying to find a way to help them.

All at once, everything that you had been trying to push away, all of the feelings you were trying to hide, made their way to the surface and you knew what you were being called to do: the right thing.

As stupid and cliche as you thought it sounded, you sensed that you were being called to do the 'right thing', the Force drawing you to the light.

You stopped in your tracks, right in the middle of the empty, cold, metallic hallway.

Despite your discovery, your self-actualization, you felt even more miserable than you ever had. You knew what you would have to do to follow this calling.

No, no, no, no, no, I can't, I can't do it.

You turned on your heel and raced through the hallways, making your way through the silent, empty base as fast as you could.

You stopped outside of Kylo's quarters, breathing heavily, sweat sticking little pieces of hair to your face. Taking a deep breath, you pushed the button to open the door, stepping hesitantly inside, wildly looking around for him.

You slowly made your way to his bedroom but stopped in the doorway. Kylo was sitting on the far edge of the bed, his back to you. Your heart continued beating quickly, adrenaline and fear pumping through your bloodstream.

"Kylo?"

He whipped around in response to your voice, his expression dark, unreadable. He got up from the bed, slowly making his way towards you.

"I know you're probably still mad at me," you stared at him desperately as you spoke, keeping your eyes on his as he walked towards you. "I know you-you probably don't trust me now, but I need you."

Tears welled in your eyes, making Kylo appear slightly blurry.

"Please, I need you right now."

He stood in front of you, taking your face in his hands as he stared down at you.

"I need you to tell me,"

You gazed up at him, not understanding what he wanted. He ran his thumb over your parted bottom lip, tracing its shape.

"What you've been hiding, you have to tell me."

You tore your eyes away from his, tears starting to slip from them.

"Please, I don't want to do this right now, I can't do this right now."

You reached one of your hands toward his face but he caught it with his own, holding both of your wrists tightly in his.

"Then I need you to pledge yourself to the First Order, to me, promise that this is still where your loyalty lies."

You stared up at him, your mouth opening and closing nervously.

"Kylo, I-"

He quickly picked you up by the waist, carrying you over to the bed before dropping you on it. Before you could do anything, he climbed on the bed and knelt over you, his knees straddling your waist, his hands holding your wrists above your head.

He leaned forward, his lips brushing against your ear.

"Promise me,"

You struggled underneath him, trying to rip yourself free from his grasp.

"Kylo, I've told you before, my loyalty lies with you."

"I'm not sure we both have the same understanding of what loyalty is."

You met his eyes, holding his stare, not ceasing your struggle underneath him.

"No, I'm not sure that we do."

His eyes narrowed as he looked at you. You could almost see the gears turning in his mind, trying to see into yours.

Shifting his grip on your hands to hold them in one of his own, he pressed more of his weight onto you, pinning you beneath him. Squeezing his eyes shut, he held a hand in front of your face.

Immediately, pressure began to fill your head, making your skin feel like it was threatening to split open. You furiously stared into his face, trying to strengthen the barrier you had built in your mind.

Kylo's face was screwed up with concentration as he focused, his eyes popping open to look into yours. You stared at each other intensely as he tried to break into your mind, to try and expose everything you have been hiding from him.

A soft scream escaped your lips as he pushed farther, trying to force his way into your mind. You grit your teeth, staring up at him, daring him to keep going.

With a frustrated yell, Kylo pulled his hand from your face before climbing off the bed, leaving you panting and with your head aching.

You sat up slowly, watching him pace back and forth across the room, his hands balled furiously into fists, face contorted with anger.

"What the fuck could you possibly be hiding that is so important for you to protect?"

You could feel the heat radiating off of him, not only sensing anger, but hurt. You got off the bed, hesitantly walking towards him.

"Kylo,"

You gently placed a hand on his shoulder, urging his to face you. His eyes met yours, emotion pooling in his deep brown eyes.

You took his face in your hands, holding onto him desperately, trying to find the right words.

"I think- I think you know that something's changed,"

One of your hands left his face and ran through his hair, waves rippling between your fingers.

"And I think you know that I can't tell you what it is."

His eyes shifted away from yours and he started to pull away from you but you clasped his shoulders, forcing him to listen to you.

"But- Kylo, look at me,"

His eyes slowly softened as he looked at you, eating up your words.

"One thing hasn't changed,"

You hesitantly rose to your tip toes and placed a kiss on his lips.

"My feelings for you, I don't even think I could change them if I wanted to."

You smiled up at him, your eyes wide, hoping that he understood. One of his hands slipped around your waist, pulling you closer to him while the other cupped your face.

Without a word, he leaned towards you and gave you the softest of kisses, holding you against him as if he thought you'd disappear.