A Desire for More (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Chapter Twenty Eight: His Weakness

Kylo lay alone in his bed after ending the Force connection with you, furiously fighting the urge to cry.

Since you left, Kylo struggled daily with pretty much everything.

Any time he was upset, he would attack the closest thing to him, that thing unfortunately was usually Hux. But hurting him wasn't enough for Kylo; it reminded him of how much you would have liked to see Hux uncomfortable.

Kylo would spend hours practicing combat with his knights, trying to release his anger. But it wasn't enough: pinning anyone to a wall reminded him of you.

Kylo tried to fill the gap of your absence by fucking any available woman on Starkiller base. But it wasn't enough, leaving him even more miserable than he was before.

So, when he finally couldn't distract himself from you any longer, he'd finally break down, letting memories of you override his desire to forget you.

Kylo found himself inconspicuously reaching out to you, trying to sense your feelings and your location, which he was never able to figure out, as hard as he tried.

He found himself wandering into the old training room, images of you drifting in and out of his mind, seeing you in places you weren't.

He would pull the clothes you left behind out from under his bed and hold them to his face, trying to catch a glimpse of your scent, using them to wipe tears from his face and muffle his cries.

But you haunted him most when he tried to sleep, the space in the bed where you used to be remaining empty and cold.

Lying on his back, he pressed his palms into his eyes, appreciating the pressure, helping him to avoid crying.

He had thought that the Force connection would be able to help him, that if he saw that you had moved on he'd be able to as well.

But seeing you, feeling your presence, just deepened the feeling of loss that overwhelmed him.

And when you said that name, that disgusting name he had rid himself of, it felt like just another dagger being dug into him, another permanent scar you had left him with.

Kylo continuously sought out Leader Snoke, hoping for guidance, for an easy way to forget you and move on. But no. What he received only made his inner turmoil far worse.

The first, and only, suggestion Snoke made was to kill you, to permanently remove you from the galaxy, from his life, so that you'd no longer taunt him.

Of course, Snoke had suggested this earlier, before you had even left, back when he was suspicious of your intentions. Snoke had decided that it may not be worth it to train you, that you were becoming more of a hindrance than a help to the First Order.

And most of all, Snoke knew that you were becoming a distraction for Kylo, that you were becoming his weakness.

Kylo knew what he had to do, but he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to believe that strengthening his power was worth killing you.

I can't lose you.

In many ways, you were already gone. You had abandoned him and the First Order, choosing to throw your support behind the Resistance, choosing to help the one thing Kylo sought to destroy.

But more than anything, more than Kylo ever wanted something in his entire life, he wanted you back.

The question was how.

Kylo thought he might be able to convince you to come back, to sell out the Resistance and rejoin the First Order. But after his Force connection with you, he knew this was impossible.

He could see how you felt when you were with them, especially when you were with Leia. How you felt like you belonged, like you were doing something meaningful.

Kylo constantly had to bite back the bitter taste in his mouth when he reached out and saw you with her, his mother, treating you like she no longer treated him.

Though he had felt the pull from his mother, that same pull he felt from you, he forced it away, refusing to accept that call to the light.

It had been so long since he had felt it that when he noticed it the first time, it almost wrecked him, blind sighted him.

And it was your fault.

You were the one that kept pulling him away from his destiny, the one showed to him by Snoke, the one that would allow him to rule, to strengthen his power and use it over others.

You threatened that, your very existence could pull that away from him, forcing him to become weak, to become Ben Solo again.

No, he wouldn't allow it, he wouldn't let everything he had worked for be taken away from him by some stupid farm girl. You had to be eliminated.

But as this resolve came over him, images of you again swam in his mind.

He could see your smile, the way your face would light up when you looked at him, the way your eyes would look into his.

He could hear your laugh, the soft, beautiful sound he rarely heard, the way you moaned his name in passion, hearing his name from your lips like music to his ears.

He could feel your touch, the way your body felt against his, the passion he felt with you, the way you made him feel.

So there he sat, sitting straight up in bed, his body shaking, trembling, sweating. He could see you in your sleep, your sweet little face nestled into your pillow on the ground, your chest rising and falling softly.

A tear made its way down his check, making him break away from your mind to wipe it from his face.

There was no way for him to have strength with you in existence, but how could he possibly live without you?