A Desire for More (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Chapter Sixteen: Oh So Many Feelings

You lay awake in Kylo's enormous bed as he slept next to you, his soft breathing the only sound in the room. You slowly, carefully, extracted yourself from his arms, climbing out of the bed before beginning to pace quietly back and forth across the room, your bare feet making soft pitter patter noises on the cold floor.

You had successfully identified the person who had a piece of the map to Luke Skywalker, who you weren't entirely sure even existed. Both Hux and Kylo were incredibly pleased with your discovery and began to make plans to attack the Resistance base and retrieve the old Rebel.

You weren't sure what the First Order was planning on doing with the map, but you were almost positive that it involved killing Skywalker, and probably taking out as many Resistance members as possible. Though you had never interacted with members of the Resistance, other than the man that shot you but you refused to kill, you found yourself desperately trying to come up with ways to keep them safe, to keep Kylo and Hux from wiping them out.

You could tell that Kylo sensed your hesitancy to plan attacks on the Resistance, but as far as you could tell, he hadn't ratted you out to Snoke. Yet.

You knew that both the Resistance and the First Order were responsible for a good deal of death and destruction, but after that first attack on the neutral base, after seeing the number of people killed and seeing the innocent bystanders in your nightmares, you felt disgusted and terrified by your role in the First Order...

You stopped dead as Kylo rolled over in bed, afraid that he could sense what you were thinking, but he continued sleeping, his features soft and relaxed.
You stared at his face, fighting the urge to climb back into bed and kiss every little dot on his face, to trace the little scars and marks on his skin.

Somehow, you had managed to forgive Kylo for taking you away from your family and you let him guide you, train you in combat and the ways of the Force. For whatever reason, you didn't even associate Kylo with the First Order, though you knew that he was responsible for so much death and destruction. As you continued to keep your own thoughts and feelings hidden from him, Kylo slowly, unknowingly, opened himself up to you.

You had been able to see past his harsh exterior, despite how hard he pushed you. Since he came back from his solo mission, he had refused to let you sleep alone in your quarters, insisting that you slept with him. You always managed to sleep through his nightmares, but he never failed to wake you from yours, holding you against his chest until you fell back to sleep. He pushed you physically, but he seemingly stopped trying to force his way into your mind, giving you a small sense of privacy.

To be fair, against his knowledge, you had built a wall in your mind, making it almost impossible for him to sense your thoughts of disloyalty. You let him see the begrudging affection you had for him, though he never brought it up, seeming to be afraid to have deeper conversations with you.

You knew what he expected of you, you knew he wanted you to blindly follow him and the First Order, to slaughter people without any second thoughts, to use you growing power against their enemies. But deep down you knew you couldn't. You sensed that Kylo knew that your powers had grown significantly, but you still chose to let him use his strength over you, even though you were quite sure you were both an equal match by now.

In every meeting you had attended with Kylo and Hux, planning the attack on the Resistance base, you sat silently, nodding along to their ideas, trying to keep your terrified thoughts at bay.

You knew by now that you could escape if you really tried, flee the First Order and never look back. But something, someone rather, kept you tied there, making you constantly feel conflicted, making you not want to leave: Kylo.

You looked over at him sleeping peacefully in his bed, his lips parted open slightly, his soft, dark hair framing his face. In sleep, Kylo wasn't a fierce warrior but just another man, albeit, an incredibly attractive man.

Since you had decided to forgive him, your attraction, your affection for him had continued to grow, making it difficult for you to see him simply as your teacher, your master. And in many ways, Kylo treated you less like a student, and more like a companion, like you were more than a fuck buddy, like a fucking girlfriend almost.

As much as you liked this new, well, relationship, you still chose to pick fights with Kylo just so you could have aggressive makeup sex afterwards. But now, along with that came soft apologies and cuddling.

He had slowly started calling you by your given name, Slona, less and less, instead using whatever little pet names popped into his head. You constantly felt yourself fighting off a smile when he called you 'little one', trying to remind yourself of what your place was but you simply couldn't.

You sighed softly and sat on the cold stone floor, letting it sting your bare legs. You rested your head in your hands, trying to clear your mind, trying to figure out what you were supposed to do next.

As your confliction grew, you found yourself having dreams of the Resistance, constantly seeing their general who you had identified as General Organa. These dreams were so much different from your nightmares, leaving you in a state of calm instead of fear. These dreams somehow showed you what the Resistance was fighting for: peace.

Part of you desperately wanted to abandon the First Order and blindly join the Resistance, but Kylo was here. The First Order didn't feel like home, but Kylo sure as fuck did.

Chewing your thumb, you pulled yourself off the floor and slowly made your way back to the bed, trying not to wake Kylo as you snuggled underneath the blankets, inching your way nearer to him.

His eyes fluttered slightly as you rested your head on your arm, staring into his face, trying to memorize every inch of it.

"Good morning, little one."