A letter to my P.E. teacher.
I needed to do this. I needed this extra credit in order to get a good grade and pass the class. I had already begun to mentally say good by to all my belongings. I knew that I wouldn't finish. I had to write five days worth of work in eight hours, but I had already accepted defeat. Getting an F would mean I'd loose everything. That new phone I'd been promised would be thrown away. Privacy? Forget about it. Computer and Laptop? Packed away into the office where I wouldn't be allowed. No video games, either. All of my things, gone. We'd kept the secret long enough. My dad had no idea I had an F for months. When he found out... it would be horrific. I shiver as I type to you now. I am terrified of the yelling he will do. He is not a father or friend. He's a monster that I fear more than death. He is death. His bellowing screams that rattle the windows and reduce all my confidence to jelly is enough to make me want to cry. I fear what he is capable of. He uses empty threats to confuse me into doing what he want me to. He wants me to get A's and B's. But, he doesn't realize how hard it is for me. Such a burden... so difficult for me to be good athletically. I only do it to please him. I want his aproval. I don't want to be yelled at. It's scary when you've done something wrong. Especially when you know it. I've been sitting here for months, doing nothing but stare at a computer screen, too afraid to work but too scared to stop trying. I'm stuck in a limbo, unable to succeed yet unable to fail. However, that limbo end next week. Report cards come out. Dad will uncover the disgusting grade I've been hiding. The fear is real. The mental torment is unbearable. I am afraid, yet there is nothing I can do. I can work, I can try to bring up my points, but what is the point? If I don't turn them all in, my efforts were worthless, and I know I can't get them all done. Plus, I've already been defeated in my mind. It's hard to keep trying when you don't beleive you can... what's worse is that, once you've given up, it's impossible to get up and try again. I'm already at the point where I no longer even want to keep trying. I know I'm getting an F, and that's that. My dad, however... my great fear for him makes me want to suceed... only to escape his wrath. It's no longer because I want to. It's because he wants me to. I would try to question him, but he's right. I can do better than this. I'm smarter than this. I'm supposed to be an A student... the B's I have already upset him enough. All he wants is to see me succeed... but I'm too afraid, and I've already given up. It's up to him to see how far gone I really am. If he were to read this, he'd say that those "empty threats" were real, and would probably do something tramatizing. All I really want is to get the F and move on. I know it's bad, I don't need his horrific screams. I'll do better next time, I promise, just please, please, please don't yell at me.
I won't tell you who I am, but I'm obviously one of your F students.
Honestly, I don't know if I'm doing this to get help or just to make others feel bad or what.
All I want you to know is that I'm horrendously sorry for failing your class.
Truly, utterly sorry.
Is this verbal abuse? When I search it up on google it only shows verbal abuse in couples... does it happen between father and family, too? He's been doing better than before... he realized how bad it was and decided to get better. But then mom almost killed us, and his sister tried to commit suicide... even a few months before either of those happened he'd been turning "bad" again, and those events only made it worse. I fear what he will do, because, on top of it all, he's an alcoholic... Should I fear for my life?
