Love you,Mom

chapter-16: I forgive you

Allen's Pov
I shakily try to press the button of the recorder but my hands can't make it. I stare at the device lying against my palm. I take a deep breath dreading what more scars this might inflict on me. Is she gonna say that she hates me,she ruined her life for me? My whole body starts shaking in fear.
I have to do this for her and for me. I have to.
It's her last words she left for me.
I shakily press the button and listen to her soothing voice. Her sweet honey latched voice. A single tear escapes my eye.
"Dear Allen,
By the time you're listening to this recording, I may not be a part of your world anymore. Maybe, I am not there with you anymore. But that doesn't mean that I left you. I am always gonna live in your heart. I am sorry that I wasn't a great mother to you. I couldn't give you everything your heart desired. If I could,I would have given you the best life. You're the best gift God has given me. Darling, I am sorry that your father had left us. I am very sorry that you had to grow up without your father. I know I was very neglectful towards you and the biggest regret of my life is that I can't shower you with love anymore. I still remember the day you were born. I still remember saying how I gave birth to a little snow flake like you. I still remember how you were the only reason that kept me going. Even now that I am at the door of death, I am grateful that I had you. Even if someone gave me an opportunity to set my life back, I would still choose you. I would still choose the one way you came to my life, the one way you held my hand and the one and only way you called me mom. I am sorry that I could not give you everything you wanted, I am sorry that I have to leave you striving for yourself in this cruel world.I know you're angry at me for not telling you about my sickness. But honey you need to understand it was in your best that I didn't burden you with this piece of information; because by the time I found out it was too late. I also want you to know that it was a wonderful experience to have a daughter like you and I'm so grateful you chose me as your mother. If you have it in you, please forgive me. I want our memories to make you smile; not cry. I love you the most. Sorry for not saying that enough. I have made preparation for your college for 2 years and paid all deposits. Don't worry. Study well. Take care of yourself. Love yourself like you have loved me. Live your life to the fullest and always remember you're the best daughter I could ever ask for.

Always have,always will

Love you,mom"

The recording ended and my surroundings again turned into a silent nightmare. I sat there, her words still echoing in my ears. My heart ached so much, it was as if my heart strings were torn apart. For the first time, I cried loudly, I screamed. It felt like I had just lost a part of me. I had lost my mother, my angel. I miss you so much mom. You weren't the one who should have asked me for forgiveness. It was me who didn't deserve you.

I lay on the floor,feeling the coldness of the floor piercing my skin. I stared at the ceiling wordlessly. Memories were flashing by right before my eyes, tears flooding my eyes. I shakily raised my hands toward the roof as if I'm trying to reach out to my mum. I curled up my hands in a fist in frustration,in pain. I banged my hand by my side. It made a soft thud against the tiled floor. But then I felt a piece of paper brushing past my hand. It was a light blue sticky note. Even though my eyes were blurry, even though I was dyslexic. I could tell what it said.

Love you,
Mom.

Another frustrating sob escaped my throat and I whispered out,"I forgive you.....mom."