The bright stage lights began to turn on with loud bangs as the maintenance crew came in to set up. Kellin knew he had to change and get ready to go out for a show but he just didn’t feel like it right now. He thought about the strip club again, he thought maybe it would be good for him he hadn’t seen a girl that wasn’t a fan since this tour started. Kellin exited through the side door as the crew began to enter. It had gotten dark fast and Kellin knew fans would be pouring in here in just moments.
He headed for his bus but stopped just as he gripped the handle; he turned around and walked up into the PTV bus instead. It was empty, good. Kellin walked over to Vics bunk and pulled a small marble notebook from under the thin mattress. Vic’s journal. Kellin sat down on the edge of Vic’s bed and began to glide his finger over the side of the pages. No he wasn’t going to read it he just wanted a piece of paper he wouldn’t invade Vic’s privacy like that. He flipped to the back and tore out the last page. He pulled the sharpie out that he always kept in his pocket just in case he ran into a fan.
He flattened the paper over his knee and thought hard on what he would write. He made it short and sweet signing it with a “xoxo” he safely returned the journal under the mattress and began to read his it over. It was just a sentence but he wanted to make sure it sounded okay. The bus door began to open Kellins heart jumped; he shoved the note under Vic’s pillow and fled to the bathroom. He didn’t know who it was but he couldn’t risk it being Vic.
Kellin pulled himself onto the sink and toyed with his fingernails hoping whoever it was would leave soon. Kellin looked down at the perfectly white splotch of tile on the ground. His mind flashed back to the hospital, he was overwhelmed with the feelings that he had that night. The fear that almost paralyzed him began to flood back, the fear of losing Vic. He heard paper crinkling from outside the door. It was Vic, he was about to read Kellins letter Kellin began to fill with fear. What if Vic decided he was going to cut himself after reading it. He would come in here to retrieve his razor. But the razor that was found in the sink the day of his almost demise was taken by Mike. Kellin wondered if more were stored in the bathroom had.
He checked behind the faucet, behind the toilette under the sink in the small basket containing Nyquil and Band-Aids. Until he remembered the bloody mark on the corner of the mirror. Kellin edged he fingers along the bottom of the mirror until he felt a small stick. He removed the mirror from the wall and flipped it over. Taped to the back were 3 razor blades. They looked like they once belonged inside a utility knife. Kellin peeled each one from the back of the mirror and pulled the sharpie from his pocket once more. He brought it to the back of the mirror and wrote
“You don’t need to feel pain to know you’re still alive you need love.”
Kellin heard the bus door slide open he wondered if someone was coming or leaving. He decided to take the chance he only had 10 minutes until door open anyway. He shoved the blades into his pocket and slid off the edge of the counter. He walked into the bus to find it empty. He saw his not crumpled into a ball on Vic’s bunk, he definitely saw it.
He sighed and walked off the bus into the warm night air. He walked around the back of his buss to see almost everyone was gathered in front of the door. He didn’t say a word as he walked around the group and onto the bus. Vic was sitting on the couch looking at his stiches. Kellin now knew why they were gathered outside. “So.” Said Vic a tone in his voice. Kellin swallowed hard and sat on the couch across from him. “I’m not good enough, huh? Just not doing it for you, am I?” Vic sassed a tone now evident in his voice. “I’m just… you have to understand where I’m coming from…. You can’t tell me you don’t feel the same way.” Kellin pleaded a shake in his voice.
