I have to admit, i've loved and hated back then, and weirdly i always felt those two together at the same time when i loved someone.
I hate to call it love, because i don't believe in children's love, teenagers falling in love ? for me it's just a waste of time, love changes as you grow up, and the ones who fell in love with a person at a young age and still do after years, they're people who i'll never be.
I hate the boys i've loved, it's not because they have been mean to me or didn't love me back (well- some of them did but didn't have the balls to confess, and that's one of the reasons i hated them)
It's all because of how they made me panic when they entered my classroom or sat next to me, or when they spoke, or when they laughed, or perhaps when they glanced/looked at me, or when they make me weak on the knees, or make my hands feel all sweaty or make my face heat up and make me stutter.
I hate it when they make me feel weak, i always hated them when they did it to me, unconsciously, the effect they had on me got me crazy, i wanted to punch them in the face so badly back then.
And when they did make me feel all flustered, they ask me if i'm okay.
No, don't ask me if i'm okay, because oh boy, that's the reason i loved you in the first place. You care about me, just the simple fact to ask if i'm okay, to ask if i need help- Just the fact that you care about me makes me feel things that i don't want to feel.
And no- i don't give a shit if its just out of concern or simple friendly feelings- i still HATE YOU.
I know the meaning of the verb HATE, and i want to use it and completely understand its heaviness.
But i'm someone who LOVES ITSELF, all thanks to the man called Kim Namjoon, he was the one who showed me that i'm worth it, i gotta love myself, i gotta respect and speak myself.
And if someone makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin, who makes me question my appearance, the way i speak, the way i eat or the way i laugh ??
That's the energy that i don't need in my life, i'm young and free, why would i fucking care about what a boy thinks about me ??
And that's when i HATE them.
I don't need you so i'll HATE you for making me feel this way.
I might sound just evil and mean to some, by hey, not all of the boys know the way they used to make me feel, but my worst enemy ever, is that one boy- the one who KNEW.
He knew the way he used make me feel, i HATED his guts and i will forever, fuck him.
He always tried to catch my attention, call my name, ask me stupid questions, try to test me out, he knew i liked him and wanted to play with my feelings just for fun.
At first i let him do his thing, i used to give dirty looks and tell me to leave alone.
Then one day i realised i can't just let him do it anymore and ignored him forever.
He thought he was my friend, but after what he did, friendship ??? consider it in the trash.
One day i thought about trying the things the boys used to make feel and i did.
I always was a happy and bright person when i was in a good mood, i talk to people, start conversations with the lonely kids and try to make them my friends.
I didn't want to be evil to the boys that liked me and play with their feelings, but instead i used a little simple plan.
I started slowly talking to them, about what they liked and did, and because i'm a very open person we shared so many things in comment, when they talked about things they liked i always was captivated by their love for that thing and i told them the things i knew about it.
I also tried to expose them to me smiling more ? Cuz i hell look cute when i do, i laughed more and brought out my goofy persona and saw how they acted.
Surprisingly i made them flustered, they sometimes laughed nervously and even stuttered.
Their eyes lit up too, and starred at me for too long.
And then i just realised how i looked when i loved someone, their reactions were the same as mine too.
I immediately stopped but didn't cut out our friendship, it was a small experiment and i wasn't heartless to cut them out of my life even if they still had feeling for me and i didn't share them.
If i were to love someone, they have to make me feel strong and loved.
If not, then i don't need them.
Until then, i'm my queen.
I'm priceless.
I'm me.
women, men around the world
don't wait to be validated by someone to feel you're worth it
you're priceless and beautiful
𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔
