The Space Between Us | L.S

Closure

"You saw your ex-boyfriend? How did that make you feel?" Dr. Ricks was an elderly man who could either be 55 or 75. He still sported a fringe of grey-white hair, I imagined that fifty or seventy years ago he would probably be a real ladies man with that hairdo. I didn't really know this man, despite our many encounters sitting together in this room; but the map of wrinkles on his face gave me clues to who he might be. His eye lines told of laughter, of warm smiles and affection. His forehead told of worries past and worries present.

I had been going to him for therapy sessions for five weeks now. Going to therapy was originally just a three-time thing since that was all my student insurance covered but after leaving my first session I felt like I was walking on air so he was an expense I figured could be incorporated into my budget.

"I don't know; I can't pin-point how I feel. He was nice to me; I mean he didn't yell at me but some dickwad from his friend group said he has been calling me a bitch so I don't know who to believe. However, his best mate who I find a reliable source denied that happening but again I don't know." I rambled on, picking at the inseam of my denim jeans.

"So this, dickwad as you referred to him. He is not a reliable source?"

"No, and we were sort of arguing when he said it so it could have just been something he said to get under my skin. I also punched this guy, his name was Gregory. I figured I'd mention it since we've also been working through my anger issues but that was just a one-time thing."

Dr. Ricks scribbled more notes on his notebook and felt the back of my neck start to sweat. Did I say too much, was he writing notes about how I needed to be admitted? Could I go to jail for punching someone? He was fine after it right? I racked my brain for any clue that I could have given Gregory permanent brain damage but all I could think about was Louis when I thought back to the weekend.

"Am I going to jail?" I desperately asked he looked up from his notebook with a kind smile.

"No." He said gently. "Why do you think you can't pinpoint any of these emotions when you think of your ex-boyfriend?"

"Maybe we should start calling him Louis, that's his name. We might be talking about him a lot more now. I don't know why because when I think of him I have all these memories and emotions surrounding him."

"Positive or negative memories?"

"Both, like I want to be mad because of the things he said to me before we broke up and how he told me not to come into work so he wouldn't have to see me. However, he was so great when we were dating and he was nice when I saw him again."

"Do you think these mixed emotions are based on the lack of closure?"

"Whoa, maybe." I gasped audibly, realizing that must be why I'm so all over the place when it comes to him. I never had closure in our break-up. "Wow, that's it!" I sprang up from the couch I was perched on. "Thanks, Dr. Rick, I know what I have to do." I began walking towards the door,

"Ms. James, we still have twenty more minutes of your session?"

"Oh." I awkwardly replied, taking the steps back to the seat.

"So, maybe let's discuss other ways to solve an argument without punching someone?"

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"But how are you going to get closure?" Jonas said chucking chopped celery into the sizzling pan that contained our sauce.

"I have no idea. So this should be fun, but maybe it includes me getting my underpants and toothbrush from his place?"

"Not to hurt your feelings in any way but from my experience with break-ups, he threw those away in May."

"Fuck, you're probably right." I stirred the noodles in the pot, letting the steam from the boiling water hit my face. "Wait, does that mean I should have gotten rid of his boxers and shirt he left here?"

"Oh, honey." Jonas moaned, pulling me into his chest.

"I've never done this before." I mumbled into his shirt "I just don't want to feel like this anymore like we have unfinished business."

"Do you think their unfinished business because you still have feelings for him?" Jonas asked after a moment.

"No! Well, maybe? I don't know!" I exclaimed the same three words I had been saying a lot recently. "Whenever I think of him, I shut it down. We only dated officially for like five months so who knows if I did love him or if it was just infatuation. He was my first everything so of course, I'm going to have some feelings for him but I want those feelings to be like a nostalgia like an old song not this feeling of uncertainty."

"Well, I wasn't in your relationship. Despite the thin ass walls we have and how much I could sometimes hear coming from your room but-" I smacked him gently, pushing away from him.

"Shut it."

"But...you both loved each other. So that feeling of uncertainty is normal, but one day without even realizing it, he will turn into a distant memory."

"Why do I pay 75 pounds each session when you're free?" I shook my head in disbelief.

"You do because Dr. Ricks gives you sound advice; my advice is the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

"If that's the cure, then I'm going to be depressed forever." I sighed, looking back down at the pot of water.

"Cannonball!" My younger cousin Oliver screamed, his body flinging into the pool. I shielded my body from the runaway cold water that splashed up onto my heated skin. I was dressed in a one-piece bathing suit like a toddler, all that was missing was her pool floaties and dignity.

My back burning against the hot noon sunrays and feet dangling into the warmed summer waters. I kicked lazily at the soft waves my younger cousins were creating splashing each other. Her head felt hot, the heat sinking into her newly brunette hair as efficiently as tarmac. I slid to y side and dangled my arm down to catch the briny water with my fingertips.

My fingers lazily danced along with the hot concrete for my cell phone.

I typed in L and was honestly surprised when he didn't automatically pop up as he had in the earlier months when I stalked his social media. Call me Miss moving on. My fingers hesitated over his name before losing willpower I was met with his profile. He rarely posted but I felt a sick satisfaction that he hadn't deleted the three photos of me on his profile. Don't do it, do not do it, Wendy. Ignoring my protests, I click on his tag photos section. You are one weak bitch Wendy.

My eyes scanned over the photos I had seen before, mostly ones from Harry's profile or Sin's Instagram page but they narrowed at the new addition to the feed. I rushed to click on the photo. It was from Niall's page and it was a group photo of them at some club but what caught my eye was Louis and more specifically Louis with his arm around some random blonde. He was leaning into her with his mouth open as if he was in the middle of saying something. She looked to be laughing and had her manicured hand resting on his chest.

I internally slapped myself. Get a grip sister, you are broken up. He is a single man now; he can let a woman who looks like they just walked off vogue touch his chest if he wants to.

Fuck it.

This is not healthy.

I swiped back to his main profile page and clicked the three dots at the top of his page. My hands hovered over the 'Block' selection. I forced my thumb to push down.

You have now blocked Louis Tomlinson.