The Space Between Us | L.S

Denial

I sat myself down on one of the monotonously grey waiting chairs pedantically aligned along the bare white walls of the corridor. A bulb hanging from the ceiling bathed the windowless corridor with ivory yellow light. Sitting on the edge of the chair, I placed my hands on my knees with the intention to stop them from bouncing every five seconds.

Should I leave? No. Yes. No.

Your stupid decisions led you here so you will deal with the consequences. I was being undeniably angry at myself for not dealing with the situation until it was too late; if I had only just bought a Plan B pill I wouldn't be here.

My eyes fell on the discoloring, sand colored water dispenser placed in the corner of the corridor, next to an artificial plant full of faux, olive green leaves.

As soon as I got home from Morgan's I curled myself under my thick covers, where I stayed until the next morning. I didn't even remember falling asleep, but my eyes jarred open at the sound of my ringtone blaring from my bedside table.

It was my work asking if I could cover someone's shift in the morning and even though I would rather shit nails than work in this moment; I said yeshoping it would take my mind off things.

It didn't.

I spent the entire shift in a numb space. When the numbers started to dwindle I sat in one of the seats, twirling my phone around my hand.

Opening my safari browser, I typed out.

How to know if you were ra

Delete, delete, delete

How soon is too soon to test if you're pregnant?

So here I sat, staring at a fake plant in a waiting room where I never imagined I'd end up. My concentration was disrupted by the sudden sound of a door creaking open, and my eyes shifted to the door to see a young woman in her 30s stepping out. "Wendy James." I immediately rose from my seat, looking towards the red-headed woman who had called my name. She gave me a kind smile. "This way please." She ushered me into a small room that looked both sterile and unwelcoming.

I hoisted my body up onto the metal slab; my exposed lower thigh burning against the intense coldness. Before the panic could eat me alive, I did a few breathing techniques Dr. Ricks had shown me to try and relax my racing heart.

"Alright, Miss. James." The woman started.

"Please call me Wendy." I interrupted, just wanting this experience to feel as normal as possible.

"Right, Wendy I'm Dr. Johnson-Kim it says here you are here for a pelvic exam." I curtly nodded.

"How many sexual partners do you currently have?" She said as she put on a clean pair of latex gloves.

"One."

"When was the last time you were tested?"

I didn't reply, the humiliation that I had never been tested becoming very ostensible. The silence must have given her the answer she needed so she continued.

"How often are you using protection?"

"I'm on birth control."

"Do you use condoms for protection against STDS?"

The back of my neck started to dampen.

"Wendy?" She probed again, her butterscotch coloured orbs eyeing me down

"He doesn't like condoms; it feels better without them. He...as in my sexual partner."

"Miss Ja-, Wendy. Do you know when the last time your partner last tested?"

I shook my head, my face tingling with the embarrassment of how careless I was. My fingers picking aggressively at my nail bud, sparking a tiny ounce of blood.

"Alright, so this will just be a routine check-up. Can you lean back and lift your knees?"

I wasn't pregnant.

I was told to go home and wait for my pending results of whether or not I have any sexually transmitted diseases. I have no idea how I am supposed to do that and not have an absolute mental breakdown. Thankfully, I know knew I didn't have gonorrhea. Go me.

I burst through the clinic doors, my skin confused by the contradiction of the air-conditioned air and the sticky heat that the outside brought. I took a few steps to my left, sliding my back horizontally on the buildings wall. I took a hefty breath, placing my hands on my knees and dropping my head to hang between my thighs.

I was no longer numb. No I was full of panic, humiliation, worry and disgust; just to name a few.

The constricted feelings grow, as if I am strangled by just the air about me. I almost think I may have a heart attack and collapse on the cement right in front of the clinic. A perfect ending to my life of being a careless, stupid, pathetic woman.

"Wendy?" A wave of Déjà vu washed over me at the name I had heard him say so many times. After the wave of nostalgia rushed over me, I began to drown in a sea of horror.

How fucking small is this city?

I looked up in sheer panic as Louis stood in front of me. Okay, now I really think I may have a heart attack.