Safe place // Minsung (DISCONTINUED)

not an update, sorry

Okay so you might have noticed it's been a while since I last updated this, but life has been hard. I mean it was never not hard, it hasn't been easy in a while, but it just got worse again.

I'm not entirely sure why it got worse again and I can't tell if that's better or worse than knowing why I'm feeling bad.

I'm just quickly overwhelmed I think. My eating habits are shit again. I barely sleep. When I drink, I go over the top. Often I'm in physical pain because of anxiety. And my suicidal thoughts are back.

I had hoped I'd never be in this state of mind again, but unfortunately I am. I'm not sure if being away from this or any other app will make it better or worse, but I'm giving it a try. When I'm on this app a lot, I just feel pressured to write, because I don't wanna let you guys down.

And I'm sorry if I am letting you guys down.

I turned 18 this year, I was supposed to go to a better psychiatrist or even get myself admitted to a mental institution, but corona just changed all of that and just kind of held back my recovery. I'm not even in recovery now, when I'm at one of my dark stages again and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it on my own.

My parents have a lot of work right now and I even have to help so I don't wanna add this to their stress and I feel like my friends are tired of hearing my bullshit and don't take me seriously anymore because I make so many jokes about it as a way to cope. So really this is the only platform I have left to rant about it.

I'm also realizing how much I'm affected by the BLM movement. My family are those people who think the protests won't change anything and I always try to tell them that the only way to change old fashioned beliefs is through protesting. LGBTQ people got their rights because people of color went protesting for it. The reason my sexuality was mostly accepted by the people I know was because those protests happened.

But whenever I try to tell them that, I just get shut down, bc what do I know? I'm only 18 and it frustrates me bc yeah I'm 18, but I'm way more educated on those topics than they are, because I actually read things and educate myself instead of just watching the news.

It feels like adults will never actually take my opinion into consideration, bc apparently parents know best and that's just bullshit.

Because I know I'm incredibly privileged because I'm white, I see it and I use that privilege to try and let people know that racism is still very much a thing and that we still gave to raise awareness so we can stop that racism as much as possible, but I'm not listened to and it feels like I'm failing to educate.

I'm sorry for the rant. I'm sorry for not updating. I'm sorry to let you guys down. I'm trying my hardest. I'll get an update out as soon as I feel ready to write again.