THE DIARY

ENTRY 3

13/01/2017

Dear diary,

Its Friday, I know I should have written something down yesterday but I was feeling down.

I was feeling really sad, lonely, unloved, angry, frustrated......
Its was a whole rollercoaster ride.

I had my Bluetooth speaker on,blasting my sad playlist. From Sasha Sloan to Juice wrld to Adele back and back.

There was one song that just brought out my tears the most, love in the dark by Adele. The lyrics of the song just got to me and the tears from my eyes just kept falling.

I'm not one to cry, but it was overwhelming. All the negative thoughts I had been having just decided to say, 'hi', especially at that particular moment

I can't say I know for sure what got me down. So I guess it was one of "those days"...

(One of those days that you feel like you have been slapped with mood swings and you lash out at everyone...maybe idk)

******
It started when I woke up yesterday, I had been stressed out from Wednesday.

Even with how tired I was, I still slept late sue me..
But this time I woke up by 12pm, I was very surprised. My mom had not woken me up and neither had my younger sister.

Needless to say I was still tired, there's always this type of tiredness that I feel when I wake up around noon and I was cranky.

I greeted my parents and I was about to start my chores.....
And then all of a sudden my mom starts shouting and talking about how lazy I am...

I mean I know I'm lazy that's not anything new but thats not what got to me, it was the way she said it and moreover I was already cranky that afternoon.

So I talked back...
My stupid self did...
I am very quiet trust me, but my attitude is bizarre
I didnt mean to I really didn't but it just happened.

I was lucky she ignored it but then started with the 'praises' again.

That was enough to bring me down.
I was getting bored but my friends weren't online on WhatsApp, Twitter was boring, Instagram was boring everything was boring even Wattpad.

Then I started thinking and when I start its really hard to stop.
I started thinking of my sexuality and how I'll never be loved....
How I never seemed to fit in..
How lonely I was...
I was angry at myself for some reason
I was angry about how lame I was...
How I lacked confidence...
How ugly I felt..
I was all over the place...

And at that time I thought It would be a good idea to lock myself up in my room and blast my sad playlist.

The need I had to shut out the world and everything else was accomplished.
I cried myself to sleep.

*****

Today I woke up early and did my chores to avoid attention..
I was actually feeling a bit better.

Asides that, today was pretty eventful....
After I had done all my normal morning activities, I started scrolling through my phone.

I was on Instagram, I have about 300+ followers but I wasn't really after that...my profile has a rainbow emoji which indicates that I'm queer.
Most people don't know that but it can be a way to know if someone is queer, although they may not.

Any who, I stumbled across a girl's Instagram page. I'm not exaggerating when I say she's a beauty, with her light skinned body that glowed in her posts, brown eyes and plump lips , plus she also had a rainbow emoji in her profile. I just had to follow her.

So I did and to my surprise she followed me back after an hour tops.

I have hearted all her posts and I just want to send her a message but I'm too shy to do that.
So I guess not.

I could see the pictures and videos she liked and posts she had been tagged in..
So i may have stalked her today.
I just had to..
So I guess I have a new crush...

Its late now, I'll try to go to bed early this time.
Later.

************************************

My insomnia is getting to me, I hope you like this update.
❤