Becoming happy

Prologue

My tan skin contrasted well with the white sundress , but the blood ruined its beauty.

It's a shame because this dress was beautiful , unlike myself. But , it's fine because I'm emuned to feeling hurt.

I sat in the sand, blade in my hand and sliced the upper part of my thighs. I don't want anyone to notice that anything is wrong or notice my cuts because they would try to get me help, in which I didn't want.

I liked concentrating on my pain instead of my overwhelming thoughts and memories. Sometimes my thoughts and the images hurt more than the pain though.

This past year I've completely changed into someone I can't bear to look at and someone that I used to want to help. But , I have no one to live for so its okay now.

Okay. The biggest lie one has ever said.

To say the least, I was always daddy's little girl. My brother, Carter ,was always my best friend. When I needed him he always smiled for me . He always comforted at the times I cried and the times I needed him most. He was always threatening the boys that wanted to date me, harshly .

My dad always knew when
something was wrong and always let me do things my mom wouldn't let me do. I was grateful for someone so kind-hearted and powerful in my life . He was full of life and knowledge , what I strive to be like.

I miss a lot of things, more than just my fathers wisdom. I miss not having fights with my brother when I beat him at his own game. Or my brother's slight smirk when he got me in trouble that I wanted to rip off. All these little things that I used to hate , but now I miss so , so , so much.

They were killed on impact. That was fucking heart breaking. Especially since I was right behind them , driving my own car .

A huge truck crushed my dads car , in which held my two of my best friends. The car hit a pole and wrapped itself around the pole , no sign of life in it.

I remember seeing their lifeless faces as I stepped out of my own car after I called 9-1-1. They were covered with each other's blood , eyes open but lifeless. The stereo was still playing an upbeat, rap song.

Carter was hunched forward with his head turned the slightest bit , so I could get a good look at his beautiful face. His nose was cracked , going two different ways and his mouth was filled with blood , a tooth hanging by a thread. His back looked inside out and I'm pretty sure his spine was broken. His bright eyes looked almost black. I couldn't see his legs and I'm glad I couldn't.

My dad was launched back and I can't even tell you the angle he was at without puking. His face almost as bad, I couldn't even see it because of the blood that was everywhere.

I yelled help over and over again and screamed bloody murder. Cars were starting to pull over and try to get me help. I kicked the car door because it wouldn't open and sobbed. I kept kicking and kicking it, trying to open the crushed car door with all of my might .

When the paramedics got there , my mother was already there and only saw there faces because the paramedics haven't covered it up yet. She sobbed that night too.

That's all I remember - the rest , quote from my old therapist ,I keep in hiding because I can't deal with the memories of seeing my two best friends lifeless.

I saw two dead people. Two people that I worshiped God for fucking dead. My perfect brother and my wise dad.

I suddenly felt a strong urge to make myself throw up and that's just what I did. I must've looked like a mess to anyone looking on to the beach right now.

Life wasn't the same without them. Hasn't been since.

I'm just a mask of emotions. I'm just a girl that just wants her dad and brother to comfort her.

Inside I'm already dying. If my dad and brother can die why can't I ?

So ,I'm going to make my misery end tomorrow night.

At 6 o'clock tomorrow night I am going to shoot myself.

I want to end my life painless and quick and that's what I intend to do.

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A/N
3/2/15 [published]

I hope you fine ass people liked this. Expect some fast updates because I love writing this book.

If there is any grammar mistakes please tell me . I assure you it won't hurt my feelings one bit!
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I was inspired to write this book for ones whom who have depression/anxiety/& who fucking hate life. It will get better , I can assure you that. I love you as a whole.

You're perfect , sweet , & Ily
Xoxo