Helpless (gxg)

XXIII- Love

By the time we were finished, it was already time for lunch. In fact, we only stopped when the growling of my stomach caused us both to laugh too hard to have the energy to continue. Tessa was beautiful when she laughed. It was one of the only times I'd seen her truly careless, her eyes crinkled and body loose. Her vulnerability allowed me to feel comfortable with her, able to let her in and discover the way she must have felt for me. I was falling in love.

We got lucky with lunch, finding ourselves relatively left alone as we ate the prepared sandwiches from the dining hall. According to Tessa, most members chose to eat later on the weekends, whereas we were early due to our missing breakfast. We did, however, spot July and Jane from across the hall. July gave a warm smile and a nod, her hands occupied with food and her daughter, while I gave a small wave and a weak attempt at a grin. Tessa's hand in mine grounded me, reminded me that I was safe.

As we finished up and bussed our plates, the man I recognized as the driver from the car approached us. I tucked myself slightly behind Tessa. I wasn't quite ready to face a man yet. Tessa didn't mind, simply squeezing my hand for a moment and allowing me my comfort.

"Tessa, I was hoping to run into you. Sorry for not checking in sooner but I figured you'd be busy."

"It is perfectly fine, Elliot. Do you have any updates or pressing issues?" Tessa's reply came as a bit of a surprise, but it only took me a moment to piece it together. Elliot was her beta, her second in command. He was the one she had left in charge while she was taking care of me. Guilt flashed redhot through my veins.

"Nah, nothing that I can't handle. You know I'd come right to you if anything came up. I did want to see if you're going to make it to the party for Jaya's coming of age tomorrow." He bounced on his toes, not in a nervous way but more of a too-much-energy way.

Tessa glanced at me. "I am unsure of my plans as of yet. I will tell you when I come to a decision." I looked away.

"Cool, sounds good. See you guys later!" Elliot shot me a quick smile before heading to the salad bar, meeting up with a young girl who he poked at, both of them giggling.

"Are you ready, my love?" Tessa's voice brought me back to the present, drawing my attention away from the siblings and instead to her arm around my shoulders.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm ready."

Once we were safely back in the comfort of our apartment, Tessa planted a kiss on the top of my head. I grumbled and made grabby hands at her, causing her to laugh as she bent down to plant a smiling kiss to my lips. She stayed there for a moment, leaning our foreheads together with her eyes closed. Then she drew away, much to my disappointment.

My clinginess was... unexpected, to say the least. I supposed it was a side effect of the marking, a need to be by her side and be a bit (or a lot) selfish with her time and affection.

"Grab a book and come into my office with me." Tessa squeezed my shoulder as she walked past, my eyes following her. Damn, she had a nice ass. Her long, gorgeous legs, the perfect sculpt of her back... I mentally slapped myself for my thoughts, hurrying to the bedroom to pick up the book on basic science.

I joined Tessa in the office, slipping in quietly as she worked. She looked up and smiled as I settled down comfortably in the chair across from her, curling up slightly and delving into my book.

I had forgotten how much I loved science. I had gotten through most of my education, but it had been so long that it was wonderful to have a refresher. Of course, our resources had been very limited, taught only by teachers and no books from outside sources allowed, but it had still been one of my favorite things for years. Math and science were my specialties, but that never stopped me from enjoying literature or history class.

I lost myself in the pages, remembering lessons on simple machines, chemical reactions, the inner workings of cells. By Selene, I had missed learning. Anger threatened the peace that I had found but I pushed it down. I didn't want to ruin the moment.

At some point, my eyes grew tired and I felt a pounding beginning in my skull. I wasn't used to this yet. Guilt and frustration built up inside of me. I clenched my jaw and marked my page carefully with a scrap of paper from Tessa's desk. My movement drew her attention and I carefully met her eyes.

"What is the matter, my love?" I blinked.

"What?"

"I can tell that something is bothering you. Would you like to talk with me about it?"

I considered her words. How could I explain my emotions? My guilt at holding her back from her usual duties as alpha, my anger at Jackson for what he had taken from me, my frustration with myself for not being better, my insecurities, my everything.

I should have known better than to think that she wouldn't know what to do. She reached across her desk, taking my hand gently. Her soft eyes held understanding and slight sadness. "Do not blame yourself. You are only able to control your own actions, not those of others."

I choked out a laugh, tears hidden behind mirth. "But what if it is my fault? What if... I don't know, what if I did something and it made this happen?"

Tessa shook her head. "Angel, no one, no matter their past actions, deserves what you have gone through. Do you understand? You did nothing wrong."

"No, no, you don't get it. You should be able to go to celebrations, do your duty without me holding you back." I took my hand from hers, standing and pacing about the room. "You don't deserve this. You deserve better than me. You need someone strong, someone to be by your side, not some tiny girl who has to hide behind you when someone tries to talk to you."

"Sit down." I froze. "You are only working yourself up more. Please, sit." Her voice gentled, a plea for me to listen. I sat.

"Now, Willa. I would like to make something abundantly clear. You do not hold me back. Ever. Selene forbid, had I recieved a different mate, I still would be unsure of my attendance at Jaya's event tomorrow. It is not because of you specifically, but instead due to me finding my mate and desiring to spend time in their company."

The fight and uncertainty drained out of me. Now that the anger and upset had been soothed away, all that was left was fear and sadness. Tessa came around to my side of the desk and knelt next to me, somehow still managing to be taller than me. I took the initiative and pulled her close to me, hiding my face from her and the world. Her fingers stroked through my hair, the rhythm soothing and familiar.

"We end up like this way too often," I muttered into her shoulder.

"Perhaps we do, but I do not mind. It allows me an excuse to hold you." Tessa didn't miss a beat, shifting us so I was sitting on her lap.

"You sap."

"You love it."

I loved her.