Helpless (gxg)

XX- Apologies

Tessa didn't let me trail behind her like I wanted to on our way back upstairs. Instead, she insisted that I walk beside her as equals. The possibilities of what I had done and what was going to happen kept me occupied, however.

Was it that I hadn't knelt during dinner? No, she didn't like that. Was it that I didn't finish my meal? Maybe, but she had seemed satisfied that I had eaten most of it. Perhaps she didn't like that I interacted with July and Jane? She didn't seem possessive, but I hadn't met many other people, so it could be that.

But what would she do for it? If it was that I didn't eat, maybe she'd just withhold food for a few days. Difficult, but nothing I hadn't been through before. If it was July and Jane, she'd probably just keep me locked up for a while, no outside contact. Sir had done that a lot when I spoke to someone other than him.

I was so busy worrying that I didn't notice we were in her- our- bedroom until Tessa gently sat me down on the bed, taking a seat next to me. I stayed where I was put, my muscles rigid and halfway between running and throwing myself down to present for punishment. But I did neither.

"Willa, would you like a moment to relax first? We have a bit of talking to do and I would like you to be calm when we do."

I shook my head. I needed to get this over with.

"As you wish," she sighed. "Now, I'd first like to apologize for something. I spoke with Doctor Jameson myself and came to the conclusion that the way I acted when we first met was inappropriate. I should not have made sexual advances and comments towards you, no matter how my wolf felt. I am an Alpha, I should have more control over myself."

I stared at her for a moment, confused about why she's apologizing. I was her mate. I was her property, especially since she was an Alpha. I was hers to do whatever she wants with. But that didn't change the fact that she was saying sorry, and I had to accept it. "Yeah, um... Thanks for- thanks for apologizing."

"Willa, I do not believe you understand what I am saying. You deserved to be treated with respect from everyone, especially from me as both your mate and your Alpha."

Then it clicked. She thought that by acting the way she had, she was being like Sir- no, like Jackson- and taking advantage of me. She thought she was being rude, but I honestly thought that if she hadn't done that, I never would have gone with her. If she had given me any leeway, I would have stayed there and I never would have gotten this far. She gave me the strength I needed to heal from what that man did to me, she helped me enough that I was able to sit at a table without breaking down. Yes, I still wanted to kneel, but I hoped that would pass. I wanted to be her equal.

I just didn't know how to tell her that.

"It's okay, Tessa. I understand now. And, um... It worked out, right? I'm here... with you. And your pack. Er, our pack?"

She squeezed my hand. "Yes, Willa. Our pack. But that is not all I wanted to talk about. You lied, when I asked if you would like to meet more people."

Once again, I understood. That's why we left. She knew that I didn't want to see any more people and she didn't want me to be overwhelmed.

I look down at my lap, at our entwined hands. "Yeah. I did. I wanted to make you happy." My chin quivers slightly and my throat burns and tightens as I fight back tears.

"I understand that honey. Oh, come here." Tessa pulls me into her lap, cradling me. "I just need to know how you are feeling so I can help you. I am unable to help if you lie. Honesty is necessary if you wish for me to allow you into situations where I am unsure of your safety and health."

I nod into her shoulder, sniffing. "I understand."

"Thank you, sweetheart."

We spent a few more minutes like that, her holding me and rubbing soothing circles into my back, me completely buried in her lap with my arms tight around her, never wanting to let go. And then a new thought occurred to me.

"Tessa?"

"Yes, baby girl?"

"What should I do if I... if I get jealous?"

There was a pause before she responded. "Jealous? Is there someone in particular you are jealous of?"

"I was uh... a little jealous today? I kind of... compared myself to June and I knew that she could give you so much more than I could and she's prettier and she made you laugh and um... I want to do that." I bit my lips between my teeth to keep more from spilling out and ignored the nervous energy bubbling up in my chest.

"You want to make me laugh?"

"Yeah..."

"You do something better than that. You make me happy. You make me care about someone more deeply than I ever thought possible. You are my mate and nothing could ever change that."

I blushed deeply and let out a giggle. "Thanks, Tessa." My smile fades quickly. "But I um... I still feel badly for lying."

She patted me gently and kissed the top of my head. "No need. You are forgiven, my angel."

Somehow, that still didn't sit well with me. That was it? Just a conversation? Barely even an apology, and everything was fine. It didn't truly feel like closure. I shifted uncomfortably in Tessa's lap, feeling undeserving of her affection.

"Baby girl, what's wrong?" She loosened her grip to allow me to pull back a bit.

"Are you sure? I... I didn't even say sorry! Just that I understand, and you're fine with that? You- you don't want anything else? Just... I don't even know." I pout in frustration, moving further off of her lap, annoyed with myself. Why couldn't I just take what I was given? Why did I have to ask for more?

"Willa. Stop moving." I froze. "Look at me." I turned my head and focused my eyes on her nose. "In the eyes." I moved higher. She studied me for a moment. "Some survivors of trauma need to be as far away from what they went through as possible. But for others, it is sometimes beneficial to be in a situation that they can control that is similar. And so, I will ask you this. Willa, do you want me to punish you for lying to me?"

I took the words as well as I would take a punch to the chest. I was in shock for a moment before I could answer, but Tessa put up a hand first. "The only words I want to hear out of your mouth are either a confirmation or a refusal. No bargaining. If you say yes, then you'll get 5 full spanks. If you refuse, then this offer will not be on the table again." She put her hand down. "Go ahead."

I swallowed, my breath catching in my throat. There was no doubt in my mind what I wanted. "Yes. Please punish me, Tessa."

I braced for her to laugh, or to suddenly turn cruel. But neither happened. Instead she just smiled and stroked my cheek. "Alright, sweetheart."