For When You're A Man (under reconstruction)

Another Encounter

I know I've already mentioned how much I love Jason's place but it shocks me every time I see it. I want to show them my place but it's just not something they would be used to. Maybe someday soon.

"Noah, how's everything with you? " Jason asked after we finished the first season of Haikyuu.

There was a small pause in the room as I nibbled on another custard cream.

"I miss him a lot. Everything just feels different without him. Everything is duller. I don't really want to talk about it, but then I want to talk about it all the time. I just want to make him proud of me, I suppose," I said, trying to keep it together, blinking at my stinging eyes. I have already exceeded my limit of tears of this week, I'd rather not become a total X-factor sob story.

He nodded and passed me the popcorn. I think they understood as much as they could.

" I've never been to yours before," Lottie turned to me,

"Someday soon, it's just a little weird right now," I said, which was true. But to be honest, the thought of Lott and Jason in my tiny flat on my scuffed sofa made me deeply uncomfortable.

We went back to laughing at Hinata's reckless optimism and arguing whether he or Nishinoya were best boy. 

It was almost normal.

"Shit, my Dad's church memorial service is later, can I borrow some clothes Jason?" I asked. I can't believe I forgot, I'm such a shit-stain.

I usually made a habit of never asking either of them for anything but I didn't want to mourn my Dad in my uniform shorts.

He took me upstairs and I changed and ran to the bus stop before he could offer another form of transportation.

It was a night vigil service, so any wink of sleep I had hoped to get has been compromised. Now began the over the top prayers that became more about the person praying than the person they were praying for. 

I knew that I was trapped, as soon as I showed my face at church, I could never miss another sermon again. Being an atheist was irrelevant. Here, I had to believe that people were really speaking in tongues and that real exorcisms were taking place even though I knew that it was all for show. I hate that they have trivialised my Dad's life into a bad pantomime of grown adults rolling around on the floor with their eyes bulging out of their heads like fish before the televangelist. At the very least, this memorial service hasn't been put on TV but with the act that everyone is putting on, it may as well be.

Before I knew it, Jonah was ushered up to do a speech.

"Adewale Oduwole, his eldest, would like to say a few words," The pastor said. He was dressed in one of those obnoxious white on white suits that made him look like a backstreet boy reject with a receding hairline.

"My Dad is gone. We all miss him deeply as he was the core of our family. I know that Our Heavenly Father is looking after him and that he is no longer in pain. I was extremely close to our father and this news has shaken us all deeply. Remember us in your thoughts and prayers. We are all so thankful for this fellowship, I hope you know that he loved all of you." He concluded.

He should really consider being a politician. That speech had as much of a heart as he did. How can someone who wouldn't even see Dad during his weakest days say all of this bullshit? But, Dad would want me to put on a smile, even though this is not the memorial that he would have wanted. It's so loud and yet still finds a way to be sullen. Nothing like him.

It was Biola's turn now.

Hers was much more genuine but if I'm being honest, I only ever heard part of it. She talked about no matter what blood said, he was her father. I tried desperately to listen but the fact that I had been sandwiched between an overly apologetic Aunty and a teary Uncle had me otherwise engaged. I knew they were all grieving in their own ways, my Dad brought the music to the Church and he brought the life. 

I wanted to sock that uncle in the face. I lost my fucking Dad. You can go home to your complete family but there's a gaping hole in mine. Your Sundays will be different but my entire life has changed. He won't ever see me become an adult or get a job and I can never get him out of this dingy old place. I just need everything to stop and wait for me. I needed Dad to stop and wait before he left me.

The few minutes in which I wasn't asleep here as a child was when he would perform. It was never in English and I couldn't always perfectly understand it but it was perfect.

It was what I dreaded now, my turn.

"My Dad would have liked me to introduce myself as Ayo so that's what I'll say. Hi, my name is Ayo as many of you will know. I won't say much, I'd prefer to turn this into what he would have wanted," I said, and then after a few awkward minutes of convincing the talking drum players to play something livelier, 

"My Dad loved this community. You were his true home here. My Dad and I were different, I don't pretend to have the same interests that he had. But we were both interested in one another. He'd listen to my music and I'd listen to his. He really loved God, but he didn't force it on anyone else. Please keep his memory alive." I said I wanted to say so much more, but I was about to break into another fit of ugly crying and I really didn't need to embarrass myself. 

So I stepped out to the local corner shop to get some tea for the refreshments. Getting one of those terrible cold coffees wasn't a terrible idea either, I was so drained. 

And then my phone rang, I usually am not in the habit of picking up stranger's calls but anything is better than being eaten alive by my thoughts.

"Is this Ayo?" the voice asked.

"Yes," I said, stupidly. Great, now a scammer is going to steal my identity and I'll lose my house. What am I doing?

"It's Seb from Economics. Jason gave me your number," he said simply.

"Why?"

"Because I asked him for it."

"What's up?" I asked sceptically, we just became okay with each other. And who calls people anymore?

"I just wanted to make sure this was the right number so that I can send the homework that you missed," He continued.

I nodded without realising that he couldn't see me. Why did I think that he wanted to be friends? He was just calling to be nice.

Obviously.

"Thanks, did you need anything else?" I asked, the shake returning in my voice. 

"No, but you might. We'll talk tomorrow," he said.

I forgot that the teachers told everyone that I was on compassionate leave because I told them to. It was better than telling everyone individually but I couldn't stand the thought of a soppy pep-talk from Sebastian.

No wonder he and Jason got along, neither of them asked anything, they just told. Maybe it's a rich person thing. Why on earth would Sebastian Woods want to talk to me about my feelings? 

I suppose I'll figure it out soon.