For When You're A Man (under reconstruction)

New Beginnings

Today was the day of the play.

If someone had told me a month ago that Wale would be cheering for me front and centre I would have punched them in the stomach. (Of course, this is all hypothetical, I'm not really a fighter).

Is it a bit odd having to play Lottie's love interest? Obviously. Things aren't the same with Jason and I either. We're friendly, but not really friends. Which hurts, but it's understandable. Lottie and Jason are cut from the same cloth, they've been friends for way longer than I've known either of them and it was my fault that our friendship crumbled. Seb and Jason are still quite close though. You can imagine how painful it is to watch that friendship from the sidelines.

I realise that it's okay. It's okay to lose friends and have people out there that dislike you. It's okay to feel lonely and pathetic. It's okay to feel like a shit person because you made a series of shit choices. But I really am trying. And if things with Seb are meant to be then we'll be able to be together one day. I'd be a liar if I said that my eyes don't sting and my heart doesn't ache every time I see him. But I'm moving away from it all soon enough. Moving into a whole host of new problems. But I have my family. If you want to know who they are, just look for the only two black people in the front row. You can't miss them.

***

"Being in the mob means rolling dice in the game of life and death. It's about callousness, sharp reflexes and not having a moral code. You die for a purpose, never out of love. And yet I'm here, talking to myself in front of a noose because the one person in this world that I can call mine is gone," I closed, as the curtains drew. 

I still think this was an extremely odd debut but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy myself.

***

Wale, Biola and I were snuffling chips like there was no tomorrow. After all, there was nothing like celebratory chips.

"Who's phone is ringing, turn it off right now!" Biola said, every vibration between the tones seemed to produce another protruding vein on her forehead. 

"It's yours," Wale said, trying to suppress the laugh that was bubbling up in his chest.

"Hello," she answered.

"It's your Dad speaking, I'm sorry that things got in the way but we should meet in person tomorrow morning. There's a lot you should know," He said, finally.

"Could you tell me now so I can digest it?" She asked.

"My wife is expecting twins," He said, pronouncing each word slowly.

With that, she swiftly hung up.

"My biological Dad is fathering twins, we'll sort out all of that tomorrow, though" She said, plainly.

No more secrets. At least between us - well.

"I'm gay," I said, a little louder than I wanted to in our area but it was out now. I wanted Wale to know. I didn't want any more secrets. 

Wale was shocked. And he was silent for much longer than Biola or Jason had been.

"I want you to feel safe," He said finally.

Thanks, I think? That is the strangest response I've ever gotten, but to be fair - very few people know.

"You both should move in with me, it isn't safe here. Mum can't know," He said.

What a dream come true, Wale's swanky 3 bedroom in Oxford Street, yes please! 

***

"Mum, Ayo and I are moving in with Wale as soon as possible and I'm meeting my bio father tomorrow. I'll send you the address," Biola said as soon as we got home, before rushing off to pack.

BIOLA. SUBTLETY. PLEASE.

"Why?" 

That's why we weren't going to tell her like that. That evil 3-letter-word right there is why!

"I don't trust you, you hide from us too much. And Ayo needs a good environment to study in. We'll send you monthly payments and we'll be home to visit but we just can't live with you anymore," She said, without a hint o malice in her voice.

I never thought about all of those other reasons either.