For When You're A Man (under reconstruction)

The Blowout

Everything had mellowed out since last week. Biola was coming over to talk to Coley once a week, Seb and I were doing well and Wale had moved back into his place.

***

"Lottie, let's go to yours later and run lines," I said, jogging up to my friend. 

She squeezed me in a tight hug, "Hugo dropping out of the play could be the best thing that ever happened to you!" She said, smiling. I had forgotten, I was going to be Romeo now. A more modern retelling of Romeo and Juliet based around members of rival mafia members in 80's Italy was not exactly my dream break out role but to be honest, it was just nice spending time with Lott outside of her 5,000 step plan to get Seb to date her.

He had already tried to drop as many hints as possible that he wasn't into her anymore but sometimes, when we like someone, we convince ourselves that they like us too - even if deep down, we know they don't. I learned that lesson the hard way. Many, many, many times. 

We strolled along the woodsy part of our school, near the PE grounds hand-in-hand. I miss the moments where our friendship was like this. Before everything got complicated and it was just me, her and Jason being sat next to each other in English.

"Do you know why he dropped out?" I asked,

She shrugged. "But it's better for me that you're taking the role because we didn't really get along much anyways," She said. 

"We're always talking about my crush lately, what about your love life?" She asked me, with the most innocent of intentions.

I'm dating your crush and I can see him becoming my boyfriend in the near future. I know I suck, and I know that he's the first guy you've probably liked. And it probably doesn't help that he's essentially the 4th edition to our friend group now, sorry. But I really like him. 

"Not really. Apart from you, Jason and Seb, most people here are twats. And I don't have the time for that stuff," I said. Again, not technically a lie, I don't actually have time for a relationship: between shifts at the launderette, studying, dealing with home stuff and I am supposed to start going back to church this week too, yet I'm in one anyway. Oops.

"I don't really know many girls that would be a good fit for you," She added.

No, you don't. And I highly doubt that you'll ever meet one.

I knew Seb would be waiting for me at the pool so I told Lottie. When will I ever learn?

"Let's go!" She said, linking my arm and getting to the pool.

I forgot she had a free right now. Shit.

He saw me first, because Lott insisted on trailing after me by a few minutes as part of her plan.

The words that Lottie would be here soon buckled up in my throat and refused to come out.

Mostly because he was looking at me in that way that doesn't really allow me to speak. 

He greeted me by hugging me, as usual and then giving me a peck on the lips. This wasn't unusual because no one came to the pool during 3rd period. The team came in the afternoons and people could only book the pool in the mornings.

And I know she saw, because by the time he released me, I saw her turn back and run to where we had just come from.

"I'm a piece of shit," I whispered under my breath, running after her. 

Seb was just left there, super bewildered.

***

"I can explain," I said, in the same pathetic voice that people that had just been caught cheating use. I knew I was done for.

"You let me bang on about him for months on end. You convinced me that there was a high possibility that he liked me. You said that you could use your friendship with him to help us get together." She said, in a very low voice that was much scarier than a shout.

"I was scared to tell you, I was going to but then you told me about liking him and I couldn't. I'm sorry," I said, I knew that she was not going to have any of it.

She just started typing on her phone.

I didn't understand what she was doing until I got a message on our group chat.

"Noah is a liar. He facilitated my fantasy that Seb liked me back whilst fucking him behind the scenes. I'm done." And then she left the chat, leaving just me, Jason and Seb.

"Seb hasn't told Jason yet, I get that you're angry with me but you shouldn't drag him into it, he hasn't done anything to you" I reasoned.

"I'll drag whoever I want into it just like you let my delusions drag on for 5 months. Just know that before you came, he liked me. I know you pretend that doesn't bother you, but I know it does," She said, in a cutting tone that was nothing like her own.

"Let's just stop this, we can't stop being friends over a guy," I tried to say.

"It's not because of a guy. It's because of you. You're a liar. You were probably amused that my feelings were being toyed with because you wanted to get back at me. Because you're jealous," She hissed.

That struck a chord in me, because it was true.

"Even if that was true, you can't be all high and mighty when you just outed Seb and I and potentially put us in danger. And how good of a friend have you even been lately? All we talk about is how you're gonna get with Seb and never about anything else," I shouted back.

"You aren't turning this shit back on me. It's your fault. And now you have to explain to Seb how you were a shitty friend because you were insecure and jealous. And for the record, I don't care that you're gay. Or that you don't have as much money as us. I care that you played me and destroyed our friendship group. You aren't a good person," She said turning away. 

"Remember who was there for you when your Dad died, he'd probably be so ashamed that his son was turning out to be a colossal dickhead," She said, emphasising her plosives.

"You don't get to talk about my Dad! You don't know anything about my life. I was wrong, how many times do you want me to say it? But leave my Dad alone. You didn't know him, just like you don't know anything about living outside of your bubble where you don't get everything you want. This is the first time that's ever happened to you and you'll just have to deal with it, like the rest of us!" I screamed. She didn't understand anything about me. No matter what, she should never have mentioned it.

This was a mess. And the play was in 2 days, the play where we pretend to be star-crossed lovers in a world that doesn't understand. It was the only extra-curricular I was doing, so I couldn't drop out. Or else, no scholarship for me. And she knew this.

Fuck.