For When You're A Man (under reconstruction)

The Crush Olympics

Today Jason and I were racing in the pool again. He was beating me for the majority of it. But I kept going because I didn't want to have to buy us all coffee again today. By the end of it, I won, just by a tiny bit. And by the time I got out of the pool, my fingertips were all wrinkled like raisins.

And then, the one person I did not want to see me all pruney with my swimming cap cutting off my blood circulation came.

"Hey, Jason!" Seb waved.

Why did Jason have to be friends with everyone? Seriously? What is wrong with him?

They began to have mundane small talk that I couldn't be bothered to catch up with and he'd occasionally glance my way. Note to self, never be attracted to a friend of a friend again. And if you are, make sure you are fully clothed and moisturised when you see them.

I said something about needing to get some food and bolted off to the changing room. I noticed that Seb had swapped his nose ring for a stud today.

Trying to get my mind off of it, I tried to chill with Lottie before next lesson.

Another mistake. A terrible mistake.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" She asked me, pulling me to one side. 

I nodded.

"You can't tell Jason - like if you do I won't ever tell you anything again," She began, nervously tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. 

"But I think I have a crush on Seb.  It's been there since last year, honestly. We used to talk in History all the time and I could have sworn he felt something but he's been kind of distant since this year started. It's odd because he's a little shorter than the guys I usually go for but something about him is so captivating. Maybe it's the actress in me, I'm not sure." She said, twirling a lock of her hair in between her fingers, another habit she seemed to have acquired in the last 20 minutes.

Fantastic. The guy I'm talking to is my friend's crush. My beautiful friend, mind you with an excellent personality. She had these ruddy cheeks and sparkling eyes. And then I said the most stupid thing you could imagine. Like ultimate self-sabotage times one million.

"You know that Jason would help you out if you asked him, I don't see why you shouldn't go for it," I said. There was a little voice in my head screaming the word "Stupid" over and over again but it was drowned out by my need to be perceived as straight by all costs.

I wanted to say : "You have excellent taste my good friend but unfortunately, that ship has sailed. I think his height suits him well and he is actually really easy to talk to. And I know that because I talk to him as often as I can. And I don't want you talking to him like that. Because I talk to him like that. Go and be with one of the other million guys that want to be with you. Love you!" But, I bit my tongue.

To add insult to injury, I added "He's probably into you already, if I'm being honest. Jason and I are the only ones in our year who aren't." Why would I say that? Especially when I know that he's sort of into me. I don't even know if he's into girls or not. But I'm caught in between a rock and a hard place. I'd better look forward to going home to escape this mess. So that I can enter another. My life would be so much easier if I just admitted the truth. But as Jonah said, we keep secrets for a reason.