For When You're A Man (under reconstruction)

Patchwork

Why doesn't 'sorry' fix anything?

We've apologised to Jonah a million times, I said it to Lottie more than a few times and I've said it to Seb for being extremely distant lately.

But it doesn't fix anything.

***

"I can't do this anymore," I turned to Seb, after a horrible silence.

He looked at me, waiting for me to explain.

"I can't be whatever we are anymore. I'm not good like you are. I shouldn't have tried to use you to fill the hole inside me that my Dad left when he passed. Something awful happens every 5 minutes at home and I should be there for them. I hurt Lottie by allowing her to think that you liked her. Besides, I know that you hate sneaking around and that you do it for my sake. And if my mum ever finds out, it will break her heart. I'm really sorry. " I explained, it was probably hard for him to take me seriously with my nose running and my bloodshot eyes. 

He tried to open his mouth to protest a few times, but he knew I was right, things hadn't been the same. And I knew that this was the right thing to do for everyone. Besides, if Mum or Jonah caught me, there'd be hell to pay (I can't imagine he'd be accepting of the whole 'gay' thing considering what he's been through).

But that didn't stop tears from streaming down his face. And he didn't look away from me or wipe the tears. He stared me dead in the eyes.

"I really like you and it's quite shit that you've made the decision about what's in my best interest without me," He said plainly before turning to leave. 

I never felt like such a shit person when Dad was around - he was always my moral compass. Now, even that's fucked. Who knows if he knew? Jonah will never read his letters from him to find out,

 "Thanks for being the first guy that ever liked me back," I said, before he left, going back up to the comfort of my rickety bed. I didn't want to do the last kiss thing like they do on TV because I'd end up just wailing and my snot would probably drip into his mouth or something. That and since we were in broad daylight in my very closed-minded Nigerian area - we would be burnt at the stake through their glares and everyone I know would know in a matter of 2 minutes.  

The Frank Ocean I had blasting through my speakers didn't even cover up the sounds of my wailing. But, what can you expect from Primark speakers? I like him. I didn't mean to fuck things up with him I really like him. And he saw me for who I am. But, I did.

I know I'm not good for him. He deserves someone that he doesn't have to keep chasing to be a good boyfriend. Someone a little less fucked up,

What I like to call the Nigerian Network is always lurking around, judging your every move.

That was one good decision I made today, I think. Now I should try to see Jonah.

I creaked his bedroom door open to see if he was home.

He practically jumped out of his skin. I had never seen him look so small before.

Biola sat at the foot of his bed, holding one of his hands.

I gingerly took the other one.

"I'm so sorry for what we did. We had no idea, we just wanted to understand you better and be close again," I began, he gestured for me to come closer and let me into a hug.

"This is something that was my deepest shame, and you two are the only ones who know. I thought I was protecting you by distancing myself from you because I didn't feel like I deserved to be your older brother anymore. He took so much away from me, including my relationship with my siblings and I want to get it back if it isn't too late," He said, sniffling on my shoulder.

I didn't realise how much I had missed him. 

"Never," I said, squeezing him back. All of the resentment that I had previously felt towards him had disappeared in a single moment. I understood his anger. He was just Wale again. The one who liked to give me piggy back rides and had loads of scratches on his knees from learning how to skate board.

Dad was right, secrets had driven a wedge between us. I had to know if he knew or not.

"Wale," I began, using that name for him felt so foreign to me, yet 'Jonah' simply didn't seem to fit anymore.

"We'll look through Dad's letters together, and try to work out if he knew," He said, giving me a half smile.