What's wrong with me?

Chapter:18

The first week in the hospital was me visiting the NICU daily and holding River to my body and nursing. Andy was finishing the nursery while we are here. Several other moms were there with their babies. One happened to be a prep from high school. She didn't look happy.

I asked a nurse if River was safe to be off his machine. She nodded before taking him off to see how he would do. River was moving and blinking. After a few minutes, he wasn't turning blue or any off color.

The nurse put him back on his oxygen and left us alone. I watched him for a moment as he was about to fall asleep on me. I could smell him before I saw him. "Hey baby. How is he today?" Andy asked kneeling next to us. "Great. He was taken off oxygen for about thirty minutes today." I said. "Getting stronger every day." He said.

"Do you want to hold him? He's almost asleep." I said. He shook his head. "Not if he's almost asleep." He said. The NICU wasn't big. It was a circular room with incubators in a circle with glass so people could see the neonatals in it. Andy looked towards the glass. I followed his gaze. His mom was standing there. His father came up behind his mom. 'Don't. It's not worth fighting. He can't do anything to you.'

He looked away from the glass and back to me and our son. "How much longer?" Andy asked. "I don't know. The doctor is going to do a checkup this afternoon." I said. "Would you like anything to eat? I know you still need to be eating." He said. I nodded. "Anything. I don't care what I eat." I said. A nurse came by.

"I'll get him situated for his nap. And let you know when he wakes up." The nurse assigned to our baby said. I nodded. Then stood up slowly. I handed her River before she put him in his incubator. Andy, I could tell was getting defensive. "He's fine. That's his bed for now. It will keep him warm and safe." I told Andy putting a hand on his chest.

He's never seen River in his. 'I don't like seeing him like that.' I hugged Andy. Then led him out of the NICU. We went to eat in the cafeteria. He didn't talk. "Andy." He didn't look up. I looked into his thoughts. He was scared for our boy. "Andy. River is fine. The nurse gave me her number. When he wakes up, she lets me know.

"He needs warmth round the clock at the moment. I know we can't provide that here. He's still on oxygen. Maybe another week. He's healthy. He will be coming home to us soon. If it's today, he will still have to sleep in an incubator. A nurse will have to be monitoring his vitals." I rambled.

"I don't want him home on any machines." He said. "I know. That's why he's here babe. If you don't want to see him in the hospital you don't have to visit." I said. "I do want to see him." He said. "It's just hard with all of the machines." I said. He nodded. My phone vibrated. "Do you want to hold him?" I asked him. He nodded.

"Come on. He's awake and looking for us." I said. He stood with me and we went back to the NICU. I let him sit down with our boy and hold him. Tears started falling down his face. River squirmed against him. The doctor came over just as River settled. "Well. Three weeks. We did try him off oxygen for the duration of his nap and his O2 levels never fluctuated.

"We will give him a few more days of observation then see if he's ready to go home." The doctor said. I smiled. Then looked at Andy. He looked unsure. I squeezed Andy's arm.