✓ Blood Lust (Levi Ackerman - Attack on Titan) #wattys2021

Chapter Forty

Slight TW: self-harm, suicidal thoughts

{If you'd like to listen to what I listened to while writing this, it's above.}

Despite the small number that came back, we're met with triumphant cheers. Even from atop the wall, confetti is fluttering passed our faces, landing on our cloaks. The crowd has to be loud, I can tell by how outrageous they're being, but my ears have muted everything surrounding me. This must be what shock is.

We use the platforms to go down to the eager mob. I'm already out of their grip, walking down the street towards Levi and I's house. Will it ever truly be home to me?

My hands shake as they unclip my ODM gear, dropping it down on the pavement as I go, my cloak going next. By the time I go to the front door, the wind alerts me that I'm down to nothing but my undergarments, the street becoming a parade of my closet. Still, my body is working against my brain. What would be logical is not dictating my movements right now.

"Bath, I need a bath, right? Levi wouldn't want me dirty..." I mutter to myself, dragging our washtub in, filling it up with scalding water. I don't wait for it to cool, sinking my whole tired body in. I want to relish in the pain of the heat but I can't feel it. Nothing is making me feel.

Scrubbing myself harshly with my nails, the water turning a murky pink from the grime and blood, I still can't get myself out of this trance. The logical part is trapped, watching a robot take over and improperly handle our trauma.

Tears leak out of the corner of my eyes as I sink deeper into the water, closing my eyes. The silence from all of my senses calms me. The peacefulness could just lull me to sleep. It's been so long since I've had true peace, without worrying about my father, Levi, or missing my mother. If I could just stop it all...

Water fills my nostrils, burning my throat as I take in a big gulp, gasping frantically. The metal tub tips over, slamming me onto my elbow. I've made another mess. Levi is going to be pissed.

"I'll just make a big mess, then leave. That way he'll never go looking for me. I can be alone like I deserve..." my insane mutters continue to spill out of my mouth as my hands pull out breakable dishes, throwing them to the ground. Between the water and dishes, he'll be upset enough.

Drying off, in no hurry knowing that he's probably been dragged off to a meeting with Hange, I pull on his workout clothes. My mother's book fits securely in my bag and I'm off, my feet taking me to nowhere in particular in Trost. Maybe I can go to another city and start fresh, away from these reminders. Maybe then I will have control of my movements again and take myself out of this shock. This isn't even a panic attack. I just can't stop myself.

Nightfall happens quickly, and I can hear the village still celebrating the recapture of Wall Maria. I've perched myself on the edge of a fountain, wanting to return home but my body not wanting to follow suit.

Maybe if I lean back in the water and hold my breath longer...

"El!"

My eyes go wide at the inability to recall the man's name. Am I barely functioning right now? I think I'm not okay.

"El?" His hands go to my shoulders, shaking me slightly, worry clear in his eyes. "You're in shock! I've seen it when I was in the Scout Regiment. Shit! Levi has been looking everywhere for you!"

"Levi? I know Levi," I stupidly reply back.

He grins, brushing a stand behind my ear. "I know you do. He's your angry little husband. Do you know who I am?"

I wrack my brain, trying to remember. Inside, I know this person. I know him well. I can't recall his name or even his significance to me right now. "Tree?"

"Forest, but close. I'm going to take you home now." He goes to lift be bridal style but I push him, causing the man to stumble back, slightly stunned at the force or at the fact I'd use it on him.

"No. My home is gone."

"Your home with Levi, El. Why don't you want to go back there?" He sits down next to me, taking my hands into his. I let him, not in the mood to break hands.

"He isn't home. He can't bring home back to me. I've lost it. We tried reclaiming it but I've lost my parents. I've lost it forever." The traitorous tears from earlier make a reappearance, sliding back down my cheeks. I make no move to stop them.

"You make a new home. I'm here. Cath is here. You have Ginger, Hange, and Levi. We may not be blood but we are here for you. We always have been." He pauses, staring at me as if he's holding back something. Finally, he seems to speak what he's been keeping in. "I don't think you're mourning the loss of a home, El. I think you're mourning the loss of your final goal."

My eyes stare holes into him, in disbelief that he'd say something so asinine right after I've just lost my father and so many comrades. "I've just lost my father, you asshole."

"Exactly. He was my Commander, too. I noticed that something always drove him. It's what made him so good. I saw that same drive in you, when you were determined to join the Scout Regiment. Your goal was to get your home back. You've done it. Now you're lost."

He's right. This man is correct about all of it. I wanted to join the Survey Corps to defy my father I thought, or even for glory to become great like him, but it's all been to avenge my mother and reclaim what was ours. I have no purpose. I'm not selfless like my mother to become a wife and mother. It's not enough.

My hand goes into the fountain, the sensation returning to me, though I still feel like I'm a million miles away from my body. Cupping a bit of the liquid, my next goal forms into my mind.

"I'm going to see what's beyond the walls."

The house is spotless when Forest carries me in. Guilt already is consuming me but it nearly takes me out like a runaway cart when I see the absolutely worried expression on his face. His hair is tousled from his fingers running through it. I'm going to give him grey hair.

Forest places me in bed, saying a quick goodbye before Levi takes over. I'm scared he's going to hit me, but it's what I deserve. What I'm not prepared for is him burying his face into the crook of my neck.

"Tch. Brat. Leaving the house a mess like that. I thought you were kidnapped."

I shake my head, words still not forming in my mouth properly. He pulls away, looking me over. His eyes immediately notice the scratches on my arms, the air in the room becoming denser.

"Are these from the expedition?" I turn my head, causing him to grab my chin, forcing my gaze to meet his. "Answer me, Eliora."

"No. I still can't feel them. I can't feel anything. Forest helped but I was in a bad way earlier Levi. I'm still not okay." He climbs in bed next to me, getting under the covers. He pulls my body close but handles me as if I'm fragile.

"I know. I found the striptease you left along the street. Were you afraid I wouldn't be able to find my way home?" He smiles in the sarcastic way he does but when I attempt to do so, my face morphs, and I let out a large sob, biting on my fist. He pulls me even closer as I try to apologize between my blubbering. The scratches on my arms sting; the bruise on my elbow throb. The injuries from earlier that day come in full force, making my whole body shudder.

The only thing that can lull me to sleep is the rhythmic rubbing on my back as I hiccup into the darkness. This is my home now.