✓ Blood Lust (Levi Ackerman - Attack on Titan) #wattys2021

Chapter Thirty

It has been so many years since I was in the palace. The threat of the Titans was always there, but I was a young, naive, fifteen year old holding a grudge against a short, hot headed man. Back then, I dressed in white and danced in the courtyard. Now, I'm in my formal green uniform, standing with my comrades as we watch Historia become queen. Something similar to jealousy wells up inside me when I see the proud look on my father's face while watching her. She looks similar to myself at that age, and she's even wearing a similar dress to the ball I attended. I don't know where my sour feelings are originating from.

When she makes the salute, I push past the crowd, drowning out the cries of "Queen Historia". The same restricting feeling is closing around my throat as I fall to the edge of the garden fountain. I take deep breaths, knowing I'm alone this time. I don't have Levi to help my weak self. I can see why my father is proud of her and I'm nothing. I should've died that day with my mother. I wouldn't be a burden to my father or Levi. I wouldn't have been a burden to Reiner. My life is meaningless.

"El, we're going to go drink to celebrate and we don't want Levi's wrath, so we're going to bring you along. Where are—" He gasps mid-sentence, rushing to my side. "Shit, what is going on with you?"

I swat him away, having trouble getting words out. "Go...away."

"Yeah, okay, I'll just let my best friend die. No thanks. I'd have my conscience and two very upset Scout leaders to deal with." He pats my back as if I'm choking on food.

"You aren't helping, Jean!" I shove him away, almost into the water behind us.

"Should I get Captain Levi?"

I shake my head, looking down. "I don't want to bother anyone anymore." The anxiousness comes back in full force, and I feel like I'm being strangled, my hand clasping at my chest. My eyes close, wondering if this is how I actually go out.

"Here, sniff this." I get a whiff of something flowery, and my eyes open to see a purple plant. Lavender.

Jean puts his arm around me, still holding the wonderful smelling plant in my face, which I can't help but keep smelling, reminding me of my mother.

"So, this is where it all started. Where Captain Levi fell madly in love with you." I don't answer, feeling so exhausted but finally able to breathe. He continues. "I wonder what young Levi was like. A dick? More soft?"

I let out a laugh despite my mood, wiping at the tear tracks on my cheeks. "He was pretty sweet, definitely not soft though."

"You did hold a grudge for like seven years over that one encounter though, El," Jean reminds me.

"Yeah, but I was being pretty immature then. Like I am now."

He brushes my bangs out of my face. "I don't think you're being immature. I don't really know what's going on with you, or if you even know, but I get it. It's been bad these last few months. Your dad was going to be executed, you helped torture a man, then we almost died, a few times actually—"

I interrupt him. "I was jealous this time. Of Historia." He doesn't say anything, so I continue. "She's been mediocre at best, but because of her lineage, she can just step into a power position and earn the respect that I've been wanting from my father. I don't even think Levi respects me like that. I'm so weak."

Jean places the lavender onto my lap, turning me towards him and placing my hands into his. "El, I get it. I get called horse face on a daily basis. No one has taken me seriously, not even when I gave up the Military Police to go into the Scout Regiment. Do you know how frustrating it was for me to see Eren, a really shit cadet in training, to suddenly become our savior because he's a Titan hybrid? On top of that, he has the girl I like, even if the idiot doesn't even realize it."