Secrets in the Hunt (Book 2)

Grieving

I thought losing my dad would be the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. I never in my wildest nightmares thought that I would lose one of my brothers. It wasn't supposed to happen. It never should have happened.

***
It's been three days since we lost Dean. Two days since we buried him in a small town in Illinois. Two days since Bobby insisted Sam and I stay with him for a while. Two days since I left my small bedroom. The same one that I stay in every time I stay at Bobby's.

***
The overwhelming grief has taken over. I tried to eat dinner. I really did. It tasted like sand.

***
It's been four days since I could close my eyes and see only darkness. Now when I close my eyes, all I can see is Dean, covered in his own blood with a blank look in his eyes. I'm too scared to try to sleep.

***
Accidentally fell asleep. My nightmares now are worse than any nightmare I've ever had before. Makes sense. I literally lived through my worst nightmare.

 ***
It's been a week since we lost Dean. A week since I answered any of my friends from Beacon Hills. I can't bring myself to have a normal life right now. I can't handle the idea of talking to any of them, knowing that they'll ask about Dean. That they'll ask if I'm okay. I don't want to lie to them.

***
Bobby says he's worried about me. Worrying doesn't help anything. It didn't do shit for Dean.

***
Is time going to be measured in days without Dean, now? It seems to be the only way I'm able to think. I don't want to think like this. It hurts to think like this.

***
We lost him almost three weeks ago. I haven't said his name in almost three weeks. It's been almost three weeks since my oldest brother hugged me. Almost three weeks since he breathed. How do I do this? Where do I go from this?

***
How do you move forward? How do you pick yourself up off the ground and say it's time? How am I supposed to breathe and act like everything is normal when it feels like there's a gaping hole in my chest?

***
I'm trying. Trying so hard to be there for Sam, and Bobby. To be strong. It's not working yet.

***
I woke up this morning and suddenly wanted pie. I tried to eat a slice, but couldn't stomach it. It's not the same without Dean.

***
I wonder if being numb would be better than this. Better than feeling like I have a giant hole in my chest. Better than the ache that never leaves. The one that reminds me, he's not coming back. Dean isn't coming back. My hands haven't stopped shaking.

***
It's officially been a month since we lost Dean. I still had nightmares last night, but dinner tasted a little less like sand.

***
I don't want to leave my room. I don't want to go back to Beacon Hills and face my friends. I know they'll ask questions that I don't want to answer. Not yet. I can't.

***
      "Hey kid." Bobby says softly, walking into my room. I glance at him, my eyes feeling heavy.
      "Hi." I manage to say, my voice rough from not using it.
      "Sam says that you guys are leaving soon. But I want you to remember that you can always call me if you need me. I'll always answer." He says softly, and I nod, my bottom lip trembling.
     "Thanks, Bobby." I say, looking away from him. I listen to him leave the room and let my shoulders sag once again. Two months. Two months today since Dean died. I had spent the last month reading every book I could get my hands on, desperately searching for a way to bring him back. But there was nothing. After an entire month of looking, I couldn't figure out how to bring him back. I know he wouldn't want to be brought back in a way that could hurt me or Sammy. But I miss him. And I miss laughing with him. I miss my brother.
***
      "I'm not getting in there." I say, my stomach churning as I clutch my duffle bag in one hand, my backpack thrown on my shoulders.
      "Tor, you have to." Sam says, rubbing his hand over his face. I shake my head, glaring at the stupid impala.
      "I'm not going anywhere in that thing." I argue. Sam looks at me and I frown at him, waiting to hear his solution. He walks towards me and I don't have the chance to retaliate before he's carrying me to the impala.
      "I'm sorry." He says softly as I scream at him.
      "Put me down Samuel Winchester!" I scream, kicking my legs. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." I scream as he sets me down in the passenger seat. He frowns, and slams the door shut, leaning up against it so he can say one last goodbye to Bobby. My hands shake and it gets hard to breathe every time I glance at the driver's seat. I close my eyes and I can see Dean, singing at the top of his lungs like nothing was wrong. Like we were going to be able to save him. I groan and drop my head into my hands, trying to get the image out of my head, trying to push it away so that I don't start panicking. A minute or two later, the driver's side door opens and Sam slides into the seat, looking a bit lost. I purse my lips as I debate on whether or not I want to talk to him.
      "You put the key in the ignition, stupid." I finally say, as he continues to just stare at the steering wheel. His head whips around and he looks at me, a nervous smile breaking onto his face.
      "Missed you Tori." He says, and I nod at him, trying to ignore the way my throat feels like it's closing.
     "Missed you too Sammy." I reply, pulling my knees to my chest and leaning back in the seat. As Sam pulls out of Bobby's, neither of us reach for the radio. It wasn't our job to turn it on. We've never picked the music before. And I don't think either of us are ready to pick it yet.
***

One more chapter after this and then this book will be completed! Okay, so I know this chapter was written a little differently than most chapters. It's to kind of reflect Tori's grieving process and how everything is blending together for her. If someone talked to her in those two months, it didn't matter. All that mattered for her was that her brother is gone. Also, just to kind of catch everyone up where ya'll are, it's mid-July as they leave Bobby's. As always, please comment and vote!