you// c.g.

17

And so I went to the party, dressed in ripped jeans, a cardigan, and beanie. I was never a girl for dresses. Carl had decorated the house in LED lights, the slide, new furniture, rap music, and booze and weed for everyone. To say I didn't enjoy the party at some degree would've been a lie. 

"Here," I passed the blunt to Carl, trying not to cough, but it was strong. He took it from my fingers so easily, casually winking at Dominique who passed by to get drinks with her friends.

"I don't know how you're throwing this party right now." I told him honestly. He stopped staring at the girl's ass and looked over at me. I watched the smoke exude from his nostrils.

"What do you mean?" He asked, returning the blunt to me. 

"What do you mean 'what do I mean'?" He stared at me and I wondered if he really felt nothing about what happened. "Nick killed someone. Took his life. Stole a son from his family, for a fucking bike?"

"Jane calm down."

"I'm not gonna calm down. I didn't even see what happened and I still can't sleep after that. Aren't you scared? Aren't you hurting?" I interrogating him, needing to know what he was feeling. Carl said nothing. I couldn't tell if I had actually reached him or if he didn't care. I stood from my seat on the not-so-comfy set of stairs and walked out of the backyard. He didn't chase me, didn't do anything. 

I continued walking to the Milkovich's, occasionally having to relight the blunt I was still holding. Again I found myself not being able to get him out of my head. 

Over the next few days I still hadn't heard from him, let alone seen him. He didn't show up at school which left Dominique coming up to me every day at lunch to see what I knew. And for the first time I knew nothing.

Debbie had texted me to see if I could come over which I immediately agreed to. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was so quick to say yes because I wanted to see Carl, to make sure he was okay and alive. But deep down I knew that was my motive. 

After school I began walking to the too familiar house. And again I found him out front.

"Carl?" I called out to him, but he didn't respond. I opened the rusted silver gate and entered the front yard. Looking around I saw spots of new ground as if he were digging something. "What are you doing?"

I spoke so softly and gently, I didn't even know if he would hear me. I felt like him ignoring me was somehow my fault, although I didn't do anything. He looked crazy as he frantically moved around the yard digging, not looking up at me once. Not acknowledging me.

"Carl-" I went to grab his shoulder, but he flinched and turned his head to me. A deep and long gash covered most of his forehead. It was beginning to scab but I could see dried blood. 

"What happened?" I questioned, reaching to touch it but he moved away. He began murmuring to himself, going back to digging.

"Carl!" I yelled and he turned around, frozen. "What happened to you?"

"I gotta get out. I gotta get out." He repeated. I gingerly took his hand and lead him to the steps.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked, gesturing to the dug up ground around us.

"I'm trying to protect us." He answered looking down at his hands that fiddled with each other.

"From who?" No answer. "Please tell me what's been going on. I'm driving myself crazy without you."

Carl glanced up at me, as if he were trying to figure out if I was lying or not. I took his hand in my own. "I miss you. Please tell me what's going on?"

"I need to get out. Off the streets." He spoke dryly, returning his vision to his hands. "I'm really trying, but I'm afraid of who they'll hurt next."

"Next?" I paused, "They did that to you." He didn't respond. I sighed, pulling him into my embrace. He lent on me, making butterflies implode within me. 

"Please stay the night." I was a little shocked to hear him say it. He had been ignoring me for a little over a week now, but I wasn't letting him go until I knew he was safe. I wasn't going to let another person be taken from me.

Carl and I didn't leave his bed all day. I ended up blowing off Debbie which she was pissed about, but I didn't care in that moment. For most of the time we laid in silence next to each other, it wasn't awkward. I always felt really comfortable around him, even in times like this. 

"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" But he didn't respond, instead looked away from me as though he were ashamed. My heart hurt for him and it scared me that I felt this way for him. "Will you at least tell me why you've been ignoring me?"

"I guess I thought if you knew less, the safer you'd be. I don't want you to get hurt because of me."

It took me a while to process his words or to think of a response, but I really didn't know how to respond. "Don't do it again. I feel safer with you than being left in the dark."

He turned to me with a small smile. He looked so perfect, so pretty. In the dim light coming from the sunset, his eyes seemed greener than before. The gash on his forehead became unrecognizable to me. All I saw was how pure he looked although he was dressed like your stereotypical black boy wanna be. His hair was becoming frizzy in its braids, his lips plump, his body relaxed. I wanted nothing more than to feel his lips against mine, but I didn't allow myself to go there. 

Suddenly Carl pulled me closer to him, wrapping his arms around my waist as he spooned me.

"I'm happy I make you feel safe." He whispered against my neck, sending chills down my spine as goosebumps rose on every inch of my skin.

I dreamt of Carl's lips against mine, his hands travelling all over my body. I dreamt of him staring into my eyes, getting lost in his beautiful hazel. Pure bliss.