you// c.g.

24

"jane lodge" there is no way to explain this unbelievably freeing feeling. i'm graduating with all honors and straight a's. i've been waiting for this moment for what feels like my entire life. the smile i wear is so wide as i reach for the diploma. feeling it in my grip, the overwheliming feeling of pride and joy takes over my body. there's a sweetness in the air.

"janie baby i'm so proud of you." alexia pulls me into a bear hug that i can not resist. i melt in her grasp, feeling so accomplished.

"i'm so proud of me too." i smile, pulling back from her embrace. she smiles, tears pricking at her eyes, and tussles my hair. "let's get going kiddo, we've got dinner reservations."

alexia and i had an amazing night in the city, we went to a pretty lowkey restaurant and dined on steaks. i liked when we were able to treat ourselves like this. i loved my beautiful sister. i thanked her for all of the support and care she had given me all these years. for being the mother i never had. for making sure i had the opportunities to grow and heal and learn. 

we walked thr streets of chicago hand in hand until we reach our apartment building, talking about silly yet lovely things. we stepped through our front door and i noticed the lights were out. i took slow steps through the hallway and turned to the living room.

"Congrats!"

the lights flickered on as screams jumped at me from every direction. i yelped, a wide smile pastered on my face as alexia hugged me from behind. i held her arms around me as others crowded around us. "were you surpised?" alexia laughs in my ear.

"hiii" fiona runs to engulf me in a hug. "god, i'm so proud of you"

thank you, thank you, thank you. i said all night long. everyone i loved was here and it meant so much to me. the gallaghers, the milkovichs, kev and v, my friends. it was such a special moment to look around at. i walked through the hallway and to my bedroom door. i needed to be alone and take in today for what it was; an unforgettable moment in my life. 

"excuse me what are you doing in here?" i ask staring at the back of a man standing over my desk. when he turned to face me i didn't know what to do.

"hey."

it was him. carl gallagher standing in my bedroom. he put down a framed picture of alexia and i and turned fully around. he was dressed in a military uniform and i couldn't believe my eyes. he looked so handsome.

"hey."

we stood in utter silence. the crowd outside and the music blaring couldn't seep through the thickness of awkwardness that had wedged itself between us. 

"so, uh, congratulations." he smiles up at me through unwavering blue eyes.

"uh, yeah thank you." i paused, looking over his suit, "a-and you too." silence crept in on us again as we darted our eyes around the room, searching for some kind of medium. 

"so I-"

"you- oh" we both stopped, chuckling to ourselves as we cut each other off. "you go first"

"want to smoke a blunt?" he pauses, a blunt peaking out of his coat pocket, "it is cause for celebration, am i wrong?"

my eyes dwindled over his hands, pondering if it would be a good idea. "okay."

we find ourselves uncomfortably sitting on the rooftop of my apartment building. i could still hear the music from downstairs.

"so," he pauses as he lights the blunt between his lips, "graduated with all honors huh?"

i smile, "yes, i worked my ass off."

"i knew you would," he smiles, passing the blunt to me. i take a hit. "what do you think of  my outfit?"

"surprised you joined military school for sure. needed some structure in your life?" i question with a smirk and he shakes his head.

"definitely, after everything with the drugs and guns, and what i did to you..."he pauses, taking the blunt from my hand, "it was a real wake up call that's for sure."

my jaw tightened as he brought up what he had done all those years ago. i hadn't thought about it in such a long time. my life was so different then, i was so different then. i look up at you with wandering eyes, maybe he is different.

"you know, i never got to apologize for what i did then." he looked out at the city lights. his hair was a little longer on the top, it suited him. the glow of the city lights, the flame as he inhaled, danced angellically on the contours of his face. the uniform fitted him, his broad shoulders, his fit body. he held the blunt differently know, between two fingers rather than four. "i'm sorry i cheated on you, i know i hurt you in ways i can not possible imagine. i know because in the end i hurt myself in ways i could've never dreamed of."

i swallowed the ball of anxiety in my throat that left it sore with memories.

"jane... i really loved you.. and i've learned through plenty of lessons without you that i tend to ruin the things i love before they ruin me. and im sorry for that, because that's not what you deserved." my heart, the one i had mended, i glued back together by myself, that i healed and shaped into the strong heart it is now seemed to crack. it had been a long time since i had revisited any feelings for carl. i learned not to be so trusting with my heart because of him, but i also learned how angry i could get. and that's not the person i want to be. i look at you very closely, i can see the sincereity in your eyes, the genuine emotion in your body language. i can sense in your words how you feel. and i know.

"thank you... for saying that."i look at the city lights, "i've thought about you over the years.. heard about you through alexia and fiona.. how come you're here now?"

he seemed to freeze up a bit. he takes a deep breath and his body relaxes, "i don't really know. i guess i thought we could put things behind us. maybe... start clean."

my eyebrows raised in surprise at his suggestion, it was very.. mature. my immediate reaction was to refill myself with that pent up anger from all those years ago. to let the rage course through my body again. but i thought about it first and i wondered what good that would do me. to ruin one of the most encompassing nights of my life over a grudge from the past. 

"a clean slate?" i ask.

"a clean slate."

"okay." i agreed after some time thinking. this wouldn't invalidate anything i had felt before, but it would put me a step forward. a step further on my healing journey. one where one of us doesn't have to stay home from a family event because the other will be there, one where we can talk civilly and smile at each other when we see one another. one where we can both start over.

i knew this carl wasn't the carl i was once loved, and i'm not the jane that he once loved. we've shaped and molded ourselves to grow. and i think i can be okay with that.