Detached

CHAPTER 75

*MEERA'S POINT OF VIEW*

I couldn’t look at him again; I couldn’t watch him leave, it was too painful. Each step away from him actually hurt more than the one before. Eventually, my weary legs carried me into the bedroom. I’d barely managed to get the door closed behind me before my heart shattered into a thousand pieces. My legs finally gave out and I slumped to the floor, crying silently.

I felt sick; my whole body was shaking as I sobbed and sobbed. I knew I’d done the right thing; this really was the only way to keep him safe. But I just couldn’t get the image of his pain out of my head. The way his face looked so sad, so rejected, I knew I’d never be able to erase that look from my memory. I’d never seen Ashton look scared before, and I never wanted to see that look there again for as long as I lived.

I heard my cruel lie repeating over and over in my head. “I care about you a lot, I really do, but it’s not love.” I kept picturing the exact moment that I broke his heart. How his eye twitched, his face dropped and his whole body seemed to slump when I said those words. All I had wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and hold him, explain to him that I loved him more than life itself, that I was doing this for his own good so he wouldn’t get hurt. But I hadn’t done any of those things; instead, I’d pretended Carter was standing there in front of me, remembering how much I hated him, just so I could convince Riyansh that this was over. I needed him to believe me so that he’d be able to move on, be happy, and live his life.

I sobbed even harder when I thought about the fierce expression that crossed his face just before he kissed me, almost like he thought that one kiss would make everything better, or would change my mind. My lips still tingled from the intensity of it. Staying in control and not kissing him back was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do, but somehow I had managed to hold onto the memory of the dream that I had a few weeks ago. I pictured his broken face and his groan of pain, and that was the only thing that got me through what had just happened.

If I didn’t love him so much, I would never have been able to cope with what I’d just done. In time, he would get over me and be back to his old self, his friends would help him through it, he would have his dream job, and in a couple of weeks he’d be right as rain. I, on the other hand, would feel this pain forever – but this was nothing compared to living with the knowledge that Riyansh had been hurt or killed.

A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. I stiffened. I couldn’t let him see me like this. I wiped my face and took a deep breath. “What?” I huffed, trying to sound annoyed.

“Meera, can we talk?” Dean asked through the door. I pushed myself up and opened the door to see his sympathetic face. “Why did you do that if it’s upsetting you this much?” he asked, clearly confused as his eyes raked over my face.

I shrugged, trying to pretend that I wasn’t dying inside. “It needed to be done. I’m going to miss him, but I can’t give him what he wants. He’s in love with me, and I can’t love him back. It’s better if he’s away from me so he can move on,” I explained, lying through my teeth.

His eyes narrowed, clearly assessing me to see if there was some other hidden reason. “That’s why you sent him away?”