Caged Crown

◇28

A chapter about 5000 + words. NO CAPTION FOR THIS CHAPTER CAUSE I'M UPDATING THIS IN MY HALF CLOSED EYES.

*SLEEPYYYY HEADD!!!* IT'S 12:30AM here.

14-07-2020

Unedited (kindly excuse, I updated this in a hurry, okayy enjoy!!)

My days at hospital were so boring. The transplantation team used to come and keep track of my health, whilst my heart yearned to see that one guy, Ayman.

We humans cry when we’re sad, and crying  really help us. But what should I do when the tears don’t come out? My heart’s aching. I feel like an overweighed person has seated on my heart and I want someone to squeeze it out for me. I'm really helpless and I want to cry. What do I do if I really don’t feel like crying?  I’m really in pain and the only way to take that pain out is by crying, and I don’t want to cry. Come on! Is that even making sense?

I took out my mobile phone, switched into Google and typed “How to cry when you don’t feel like crying,” and my eyes searched for the answer I was looking for and frowned reading
“If you’re really hurt, play a song that’s suitable for your current mood. Fish through the lyrics and you’ll start crying.” I don’t find this helpful because firstly, I don’t listen to musics because when I’m sad, music makes me sadder. I used to listen to hip hop music before and then I slowly stopped. I still don’t know what made me to stop listening to musics because that was the only friendly thing I’d got. Secondly, according to our Islamic community, music is haram and this might be the reason I’d stopped listening. I hurled my phone softly beside me and placed my hands on my head.

I somehow wanna take that choking tears out.

“What should I do now? I’m bored.” I sighed and got up from the bed, ambled inside the bathroom and made wudu (ablution). I can’t bow down to prostration due to the stitches I’d got in my chest. It’d take  months to heal and dry the stitches. According to islam, if a person can’t pray by standing, he can offer it by sitting. The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said to ‘Imraan ibn Husayn, when he was sick: “Pray standing; if you cannot do that then pray sitting; if you cannot do that then pray on your side.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (1117). Now tell me what’s your reason for not praying? I know I’m an imperfect one and I still try to be a practicing muslimah, but sometimes shaythan plays a great role here. In our own story, we  are the main protagonist and the shaythan is our black hat or the antagonist. We all want the antagonist or the black hat to die or get out from Hero’s life and at the end, the hero defend the villain and wins. That’s how it is for us to get rid of Shaythan off us. But in our case, we don’t defeat the shaythan because the shaythan seems to be so friendly with us. We listen to his whispers and walks with him and at the end, it’s the shaythan who is going to win and not us. We can’t lose right? It’s our life and and we’re the hero in our life and we shouldn’t let our enemy defeat us. Let our souls battle with the Shaythan’s whispers and Let the shaythan lose, we win.

I offered my prayer by sitting and started making dua for the entire world. I played the beautiful recitation of surah- Ad-Dhuha by the reciter Mishary-Al-Afassy in my phone. The beautiful, heart soothing recitation really helped me  get rid of the sadness inside me. That surah was revealed at the time when the Quran was revealed to the Messenger of Allah. Jibril (AS) was delayed from coming to Him for a number of days. Therefore, the Messenger of Allah was affected by this. Then the idolaters began to say, “His Lord has abandoned him and hates him.” So Allah revealed this. This is one of my favorite Surah.

I hugged my knees against my chest and suddenly my mind hovered to Ayman. I wondered what he was doing. I grabbed my phone from the drawer beside my bed and dialed his number. I’d been trying since the day I’d got discharge from the hospital and all I heard was “This number can’t be reached right now, please try again later.” Later, when? My foot! “Ever since I’d call him, it was you who spoke. I don’t want to hear your sound and please reach him, quick. Do you know how hurt I’m? It’s easy for you to ask me to call again later, but do you know how later is for me? Later is like a decade for me and it’s freaking disturbs me.” I almost yelled at the top of my lungs looking at the phone. “I’m scared. I’m freaking scared of getting cheated by Ayman.” I said still looking at the phone in my right hand. My lips quivered and my sound broke. I heard Junaid and Naeef barge inside the room followed by Lunah and a gasp in their face.