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22) what if i told you i loved you?

how long had remus been longing for this very moment? to be sat so close his dark-haired, cigarette-smoking, leather jacket-wearing dorm mate that their breaths were practically intertwining as one. every soft exhale from the boy sitting opposite him made remus' stomach flutter. they were so close together that all remus had to do would be lean forward half an inch and press his lips against sirius' and they'd be kissing and- no. stop it remus, he doesn't like you. you're ugly and scarred and awkward and...just no. control yourself. even so...remus couldn't help but wish. perhaps in a different reality where he wasn't a werewolf, or sirius wasn't so popular, or remus as awkward, they could be together. but not in this one. if there was one thing the taller boy was certain of, it was that he was unequivocally inadequate when it came to the god-like creature that owned his heart.

what remus didn't know, however, was that on the other side of the cupboard, sirius was having rather similar thoughts....although perhaps more crude. it was taking a lot of self-control on sirius' part to not close the distance between the two of them. he'd begun to pinch the inside of his thigh to prevent himself from shifting forward and running his hands through the werewolf's hair and tracing the outline of his lips and... but that didn't matter. remus had been avoiding sirius like the plague, ever since he'd found out he was gay. remus was a nice guy, way too nice to outwardly tell sirius he no longer wanted to be friends with him, so he was just slowly letting their friendship end. he was avoiding sirius because he didn't like him anymore. and sirius was determined to let remus do it. although it killed him, all sirius wanted was for his booknerd bestfriend to be happy. and if that meant staying away from sirius? then so be it. he'd realised a few months ago, rather alarmingly, that he'd do anything to see that cute grin that encompassed remus' face when he felt truly happy, or to watch remus' eyes light up as he talked about something he was passionate about. if only sirius could be the one to make that smile happen...but he could manage not being friends, if only it meant that someone else was causing those smiles.

at least, sirius had thought he could handle it. and then he looked up at the soft, golden-haired, freckle-faced chocolate fanatic and all of a sudden he felt a wave of pressure bubble up inside him and he couldn't take it anymore.

"why do you hate me?" he burst out, cringing at how his voice cracked as he did so. remus would think he was weak, pathetic.

"what?" the other boy said, a look of surprise with mingled suggestions of dismay appearing on his face.

"i mean, i get it, moons, i do. i'm annoying and loud and persistent and you're quiet and reserved and like your alone time but it was like you just...decided to hate me one day, and then from then on you've just been avoiding me like i'm...diseased or something. and look, if you don't want to be friends, i can...uh, handle that but just please just tell me now so i can...process it remus. this whole not-speaking but i don't know why is killing me. what did i do to make you hate me, remmy? i fucking miss you like crazy please tell me what i've done wrong so i can at least apologise for it."

remus's heart broke. he felt the twang of pain echo through his chest as he let sirius's words wash over him. how could be do his to sirius? his sirius? padfoot was suffering because of him. and he thought he hated him! how could he ever believe that in a million years. sirius was everything to remus. and it was all his stubborn fault for not being able to face how he felt, too scared to lose his friend by confessing he was falling for him that he'd started to lose his friend because he wasn't talking to him. the irony of it left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth.

"oh siri..." remus said, leaning forward and cupping his friends' face in his hands. "i'm so fucking sorry i...i've been the worst mate ever. i could never, ever hate you, pads...fuck i mean you mean the world to me, how could i ever not want to be close to you? to not talk to you? all i've wanted to do these last few weeks was talk to you, but i was fucking scared and weak and pathetic and i was so fucking afraid you'd hate me that i...i...i'm so fucking sorry, siri."