The Trees Smell Like Lemons

31. Ease me of my pain

Bea stood outside the office of Detective Antony Harper. The same kindly looking policewoman who had greeted her the last time she was here told her Detective Harper was in a meeting, but he'd be back soon. She was welcome to wait. Bea sat and waited in reception for thirty minutes, tapping her foot against the tiled floor. The policewoman kept shooting her quick worried glances but didn't say anything, except to tell her that Detective Harper was back from his meeting. Bea declined her offer to walk with her. She remembered the way.

Bea braced herself then knocked once, loudly.

"Come in."

Bea pushed the door open and stepped into the office. She blinked, thinking she had gotten the wrong room. Everything was different. The desk was on the opposite side of the room and there were at least two extra pot plants. There was no mistaking the man behind the desk though.

Detective Harper stood up. "Hello Isabelle. I know what you're thinking. I have redecorated. What do you think?"

"I like it," Bea looked around appreciatively. "Especially the plants. They really bring the room together."

Detective Harper chuckled, "Thank you. What can I do for you? They said at reception that you needed to talk to me about something important."

"I know you lied to me about the accident report. I've been going over and over in my head trying to figure out what you would do that. I'm just going to say it. Were you having an affair with Sara?"

Detective Harper's face clouded over. "I think you better sit down."

There were two chairs facing the desk, Bea perched on the edge of the one closest to the door. Detective Harper got up from behind the desk and sat down on the other one. "Why would you ask me that Isabelle?"

Bea took a deep breath and recounted the events of the past couple of weeks. "So you can see why I suspected you. You clearly lied about the missing information from the accident report. I know you were the first officer on the scene at the crash. Your initials are the same as the ones I found on the letters. Your handwriting isn't far off either now that I see it," Bea finished, eyeing the report on the desk in front of them.

Detective Harper took a minute to think, weighing his next words carefully. "The first thing you should know is that I was not having an affair with Sara."

"You weren't?" Bea exhaled.

"No and quite frankly I'm surprised you would even ask me."

"I'm sorry. All the evidence was pointing at you. What was I supposed to think?" Bea replied sheepishly.

"I told you before, I can't talk to you about the accident report. Things are complicated but all you need to know is your sister died in a car accident. It was no one's fault."

"I know who the driver of the other car was."

Detective Harper's eyebrows shot up in surprise and Bea continued, "Hannah Williams. She went to Secondary School. Did you know she and Sara knew each other? They were friends. Why would you need to hide that?"

"I told you, things are complicated," he sighed.

"The news article I read also mentioned another passenger who went to hospital. Why wasn't that in the report?"

"Isabelle do you know why I became a police officer?"

"I don't know. Did you watch a lot of CSI growing up?"

Detective Harper smiled, "I did, but that's not why. My father was a police officer and my grandfather too. People assumed I would follow in their footsteps and I did. The truth is, I wanted to be a pilot. Flying planes had been my dream for as long as I can remember."

"Why didn't you become a pilot then?"

"I was in my second year at the training academy when my dad got sick. I dropped out to look after him. We needed money so I joined the police. It was always my dad's dream. At least he died happy."

"Detective, I'm not sure why you're telling me this."

"Sometimes we do things not because we want to, but because we have to. Do you see what I'm saying? I want to help you Isabelle, but I can't. I'm sorry."

"No don't say that. If you really were sorry you'd tell me the truth. Lately it feels like everyone I care about has been lying to me. For once, I just want the truth."

"When someone we love is taken from us, it doesn't matter if it was an accident or not. The pain we feel because of their absence can't be measured on a scale. In fact, sometimes I think that knowing a death could have been prevented is so much worse because we can't blame anyone. Blaming someone sounds easier but trust me that feeling is corrosive. It destroys you from the inside out. That feeling does no one any good. You remember I told you I have a daughter?"

"You said she's the same age as me."

"That's right. She is. Her name is Ava. When she was born, she had a twin sister, Ella. From the moment she was born, we knew something wasn't right with Ella. She was a poorly child. We took her to different doctors, but they couldn't tell us what was wrong. When Ella was four, she underwent heart surgery. She didn't survive."

"Oh no," Bea murmured.

"I blamed the hospital. I wanted to sue them for negligence. My wife talked me it out of it, she told me it was no one's fault. She said we still have a daughter that needs us now more than ever. She was right. I learned something important that day. Life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. But I'll tell you this. Those moments when you get knocked down so hard, it seems impossible to get back up, that's when you find out how strong you are."

"What if I'm not strong enough to get back up," Bea whispered.

"I know strength when I see it Isabelle. You will get through this in time. You need to accept what you can't change and let yourself grieve."

Bea was silent. His words chipped at the wall she'd built high around her heart when Sara died. It threatened to come crashing down, unleashing all the feelings she tried so hard to ignore.

"Thank you Detective Harper. I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'll let you get back to work." She picked up her bag and headed for the door.

"Isabelle." Bea paused in the doorway and looked back. "Do you know the first place people look when there's no one to blame?"

Bea shook her head even though she knew the answer. Detective Harper smiled knowingly. "I think you do. Maybe more than most. Remember what I said though, it does no one any good."

***

Bea stood in the courtyard, hands bundled into her pockets to protect them from the harsh wind, watching people around her laughing and hugging. It was the last day of school. Everyone was buzzing about the Christmas holidays and, more importantly, the Christmas Eve Ball. This was the first year the ball would actually fall on Christmas Eve. Bea tried to avoid Lila as much as possible. She didn't want to get roped into any more planning and preparation. Tom had already been unlucky enough to 'volunteer' to help decorate the school hall the night before the ball.

"Bea!" Lila bounced over to her, throwing some tinsel around her shoulders. "I've been looking everywhere for you. I need you to come in tomorrow to help with last minute preparations for Friday."

"Lila really? I already spent most of the weekend helping you. How much more can there be?" Bea complained.

"Perfection takes time Bea. You know that I want this to be the best Christmas Eve Ball ever. Come on you're my best friend. There's a rule or something that means you have to help me." Lila tried to bat her eyelashes.

Bea didn't budge.

"Okay fine. If you help I'll drive you anywhere you want for a week."

"A month."

"Two weeks. I have a life too."

"Three weeks and you have to bring me muffins every day."

Lila rolled her eyes. "Fine but those muffins are going to be store bought. Come on let's go say goodbye to everyone."