"Alright, let's talk about the people that left a good print on your life, for example, brown."
I laugh at the mention of brown, and avoid eye contact with my therapist. "So you agree that they were good to you." She speaks once again.
This time my smile drops and I look her straight in the eyes.
"They were good to me because I let them be, but then things went out of control."
"Explain to me what you mean by that, please."
"I'll start from the beginning-" I shift in my chair ready to admit what I couldn't admit for months.
"-when I saw them I instantly knew that I wanted them, it was either because I was curious or because they were ready for me to fix them."
"Why did you the feel the need to fix them?"
"It wasn't a need, doctor. It was impotence, but I was also selfish to think that they could help me. So, in a twisted way, I let them use me and I used them, and they didn't know."
"Did you know?"
"At first, I didn't. But i did eventually."
"Continue, please."
"I had everything planned, how I was going to approach them, how I would indirectly make them feel something for me. Everything was planned."
"And this gave you comfort because you were in control." The doctor explains to me her view, and I nod.
"Yes, and I felt happy with them the first few months, because I knew what they were going to say, and when they were going to say it because I let it be that way, but then-"
"Then..?"
"-then I faced my biggest mistakes, the dark side of me, the side brown never knew of."
I take a deep breath.
"When you're blinded by the dark, you only see dark Doctor. And this what I saw. I saw the dark side of brown, the side that wanted to take advantage of me. I let them say and do all the things that I wanted, but never cared to see the other things brown said and did."
"What did he say and do?"
"Brown wanted the one thing I had left. My innocence Doctor. I could see it in their eyes."
"Did you give it to them? Your innocence?"
"No. I left them. I left them with the thoughts of thinking that I hurt them, when they hurt me."
"Did you never tell them how you feel?"
"No. Because then I'll have to tell them about the others, and I lied about the others."
"Because it went out of control?"
"Yes, because I loved the control, not brown."
