the last thing i wanna do (lil peep fanfic)

six

"open up the motherfucking door, or so help me."
i didn't want to fight. i opened the front door and there was gus. "go away." i whispered.
"why?" he strolled in and closed the door behind him. "what the fuck is wrong? adam didn't tell us until earlier today what you sent him."
"you wanna know what's wrong, gus?"
"i do." he stared at me. "fucking explain why your phone has been shut off for two weeks, why you haven't left your apartment, why we didn't know what the fuck happened to you until adam decided to conveniently fucking mention two weeks too late what you texted him!"
i took out bottles from my pockets, ones that were empty and one with only a couple pills left, i motioned to the counter, that had empty alcohol bottles. i silently took off my sweatshirt, exposing the deep wounds covering my arms. "does that explain it?"
as he processed what i showed him, his face turned from anger to sadness. "lillian, why didn't you tell any of us you were getting worse?"
"didn't want you to worry."
"you're on the verge of death." his fingers traced my cheek. "you could've bled out, died from hunger, dehydration, an overdose, an infection, anything."
"but i didn't, gus, i'm fucking alive. aren't you happy about that? how i'm a walking corpse, but at least you still have your friend to fuck around with. you never cared about me, you talked to me because liza made you, and then you faked it all this time. for what? your own happiness? the knowledge you used me?" he was silent. "yeah. you don't have anything to say. you don't have to pretend anymore. you can just spend time with your little gothboiclique and pretend i never existed, cause i won't soon. fuck around with bella again, i don't give a fuck. make bad decisions with your life or whatever. i'm not gonna stop you anymore. i don't care. i can't. don't worry, we don't need to be on a first name basis anymore, peep."
he took a few steps towards the door, then paused. "do you really fucking believe that? you really believe i don't give a fuck about you? i do! did you know which songs were about you? fish said some, i know he did, but you know what else? broken smile, awful things, haunt u, star shopping, feelz, lil jeep, gym class, high school, it's me, god, especially it's me! you know that lyric that goes 'if i need to go just to show you i don't fucking care if you don't give a shit about me' yeah, that one? that fits right now, you don't care about me. but you know what else from that song fits? 'so act like you don't know i don't fucking stare at anybody else the way i do when it's only me and you' i stare at you all the time, but you don't notice it! not even just staring, i can't keep my eyes off of you! when we're in a room with my friends, i'm glancing at you. you can't notice because, why would you notice that stupid little gus is looking at you? drug addict peep, who's basically a waste of space and wants to die. and you know what? i'm jealous of the way adam speaks to you, i want to speak to you like that. when i fuck other girls, i imagine it's you."
"that's real nice, gus. fucking leave." i put my sweatshirt back on.
"fine." he snarled, and opened the door. "oh, and by the way, lillian? if you couldn't fucking tell, i'm in love with you. have been for a long time, but it's whatever. fuck around and kill yourself if you want. it's not like it'll destroy me." he slammed the door.
i didn't process what he said until after i knew he had left he building. fine. i grabbed the pill bottle and took whatever was in there. fuck everyone. if i remember correctly, i helped him write nothing to u, i came up with some lyrics and he liked them, and... yeah.
my phone rang. i looked at the caller id. ben. "hey-"
"where's peep?"
"dunno."
"he went to your apartment cause we've been calling the last hour because adam told us-"
"he left, ben."
"he was going over to tell you some-"
"he told me. he still left. he doesn't give a fuck."
"but..."
"give it up, fish. you don't have to pretend anymore."
he sighed. "what're you gonna do?"
"die. run away. get away from here somehow."
"i've got my place in brooklyn, you could stay there."
"i want to leave behind everything gus knows. i'm sorry, but that includes you guys."
"you can't."
"why not?"
"he's in love with you. he just texted tracy. he said the stuff you told him broke him. he's at a bar drinking."
"ben, you're on his side. just stop trying to play mediator."
"lillian-"
i ended the call and sighed. i went outside to get a breath of fresh air, and my phone started vibrating.

peep🐤: lillian pls
peep🐤: i'm sorry
peep🐤: i blew up and didn't mean to
peep🐤: i care abt u so much
peep🐤: please don't leave me
peep🐤: i need u
peep🐤: i take it back, the shit stuff i said, please, i need u, please, please, i love u. i need u. i can't let u just leave. i'm ur hellboy, ur peep, ur gus, ur best friend, we can't throw that away bc of some shit we both said, i'll apologize forever, i'll do anything, pls just don't leave me, it'll destroy me, lillian pls i'm sorry. u know i am, deep down
[read 11:28 pm]

i tossed my phone onto the sidewalk. he was drunk. ben told me he was at a bar. he was drinking. that's what you do at a bar. i can't go back inside, they'll know i'm home... i know where i need to go.