the last thing i wanna do (lil peep fanfic)

seventeen

"wake up."
i yawned and looked at tracy. "any word?"
"nah, but there's a long list of people who wanna know. goth, ghoste, fish, horse, coldy, yawns, nedarb, smoke, cortex, layla, oskar, and the fans know."
"bro, i just woke up, i don't know who you're mentioning. full names."
"yunggoth, ghostemane, fish narc, horse head, cold hart, yawns, nedarb, smokeasac, young cortex, layla, peep's brother." adam said. "and like, i'm hella tired, i gotta go home. he'll be okay." adam squeezed my hand then left.
liza walked in, looking frazzled. she came over to us. "where is he?"
"no word, family only." tracy said.
she went straight to the desk. a couple minutes later, she came back to us. "they said lillian could come since she's his fiancé and since i gave approval. but they don't want you in, tracy, but come on. you deserve to see him."
we followed her to gus's room. he had a tube wrapped around his nose and ivs in each of his arms. the blanket covered his torso and legs, so i couldn't see how his stomach and thigh looked. i exhaled softly and physically restrained myself from walking forward. liza ran to his side and started sobbing. "you okay?" tracy whispered.
"no." i breathed. gus looked pale in the bed, his tattoos broke the white monotony of the room. one arm was laying parallel to him, the other was angled so his hand was on his stomach. i could see his chest rise and fall slightly. his heart rate was steady, according to the screen on the wall. "it looks like a hollow version of him."
"at least he's alive." liza said, stroking his face. "he's a hero."
"yeah." i stepped towards him and took his hand in mine. "you're amazing, gus, you just gotta pull through.
a doctor walked in. "you guys are here, oh."
"what's wrong?" liza looked up.
"i don't know if gustav will make it, he's in a coma right now. he could be in it from anywhere to a day to months. if it reaches the three month milestone, we have to legally consider him dead."
my heart dropped into my stomach. "the chances he'll wake up?" i asked.
"low."
i shook my head. "going to your place, tracy."
"no one else is there-"
"i don't fucking care."

***
***
***

i knew what i was looking for, and i knew it was in tracy's room. i disliked going into his room without him, but... i opened his bedside dresser and there it was. his glock. i picked it up. it was heavy. and loaded. it was always loaded. this was tracy we're talking about. of course it's loaded. i aimed it at my head, pressing the barrel against the side of my head. i undid the safety. i closed my eyes and hesitated. what if gus woke up right now and i didn't know? i'd never get to know, and... no. the chances of that were slim. none, basically. gus wouldn't want this but... he's not here to tell me not to. why shouldn't i?
"put it down." someone said. i turned and ben was there. "put it fucking down."
"you don't understand."
"no, i don't. but put it down."
"just go, i don't want you seeing this." my hand was shaking. "fish, go."
"i'm not leaving you alone." he moved swiftly across the room and took the gun out of my hands. he turned the safety on and tossed it across the room.
"don't do this..."
he looked at me. "he wouldn't want this."
"he's basically dead."
"you don't know that."
"he basically is, he's not gonna wake up."
"he could."
"how did you know i was here?"
"tracy texted the group chat, saying you went to his place and could someone check up on you. i was the first one who saw it and was the closest. good thing i was."
"just... leave me alone." i sat on tracy's bed.
"no." he sat next to me.
"you don't get it."
"explain it."
"he's the love of my life."
"love of your life?" he smiled. "he'd love to hear that."
"he won't get to."
"he could."
"i watched him get shot by a cop. the cop didn't even look troubled. it was three shots. too many. and gus just collapsed, and i ran there to stop the bleeding. and then some people took him away and i sat there covered in his blood until adam came. and then i learned how he's probably not gonna wake up, and... i can't lose him."
"tell me your favorite memory with him from when you guys were younger."
i sat there and thought. "it was my sixteenth birthday, i didn't have a party or anything because i didn't want to, i knew no one would come. i went to bed, whatever. gus knocked on the window and told me to get dressed. i did. so we're walking around town at like eleven at night, and we went to like a walmart, and he got us a couple cupcakes and monsters. and we walked back outside and went to this abandoned house, and i was kinda scared, and he told me it was worth it. we climbed to the roof and saw the whole neighborhood. he gave me my cupcake and stuck a candle in it, then lit it with his lighter. he grinned and told me to make a wish, and i did, and i blew the candle out. we ate the cupcakes and drank the monsters and just looked around. and then he told me he had another present, i told him he didn't have to, and he said he wanted to anyways. it was this beaded bracelet, like the friendship bracelet kits, and it said lil peep. and he told me he made it cause we'd be friends forever. i asked him what it meant, and he told me it was gonna be his name when he got famous."
"what did you wish for?" fish smiled.
"to have him in my life forever." i mumbled.
"you will."
"he might die."
"he won't. just believe me. i'm good at feeling these type of things, and i can feel he'll be okay."
"how do you know?"
"i just do."
"okay."
"okay."