the last thing i wanna do (lil peep fanfic)

seven

i raised my fist to knock on the door, then hesitated. what if she was asleep? fuck. she wouldn't care. i knocked before i thought too much. a minute later, she opened the door. "lillian? what's wrong?"
"can i stay here, at least for the night?"
"yeah, of course." liza ushered me in. "what's wrong?"
"gus and i... we got in a fight, we both said some stuff."
"what did each of you say?" she sat across from me at the dining room table.
"i said he was only friends with me because my mom and you made us talk. and i was just throwing shit around that related to that. how he didn't genuinely care, how he'd rather be with his clique and with the whores he sings about."
"what did he say?"
i looked at my hands. "that he cared about me, that he wrote so many songs about me, and he loved me."
"of course he loves you."
"no. he said he was in love with me."
liza's face shifted into a slightly shocked expression. "why do you keep using the past tense?"
"cause i don't know if he's still in love with me. i wouldn't be, after the shit i said. i'm a fucking horrible person."
"what set this all off?"
"a man tried to rape me when i was at tracy's with gus, wicca, and fish. and the day after i got back home, i shut my phone off and was overdosing in my apartment alone for two weeks. not to mention the living in actual filth and the cuts on my arms. but gus came in and was pissed that i had never answered my phone and then i told him what i felt and that's when all this shit happened. an hour and a half ago."
"jeez."
"yeah."
"i could tell." she said quietly. "the way he looked at you... he never looked at layla or anyone else like that. the way his eyes lit up when talking about you. the way he'd smile when you wore his sweatshirts." she paused. "the way he would start crying when anyone would play high school. it wasn't obvious, but if you knew him you could see. just a couple tears falling from his eyelashes, but if anyone noticed he was able to wipe them away and act fine. he never thought he'd get to tell you, i guess."
"and when i said he wouldn't have to worry about me anymore because i wouldn't be alive, he  dropped it out without thinking." i whispered.
"that's what you said?"
i nodded. "yeah."
"lillian, honey..."
"i fucked it up, didn't i?"
"no, no-"
"i did."
liza hesitated. "maybe. knowing him, he may forgive you, or he may not. it depends."
i looked down and read the texts he sent me out loud. "lillian please, i'm sorry, i blew up and didn't mean to. i care about you so much. please don't leave me. i need you. i take it back, the shit stuff i said, please, i need you, please, please, i love you. i need you. i can't let you just leave." i paused before this part. "i'm your hellboy, your peep, your gus, your best friend, we can't throw that away because of some shit we both said. i'll apologize forever, i'll do anything, please just don't leave me, it'll destroy me, lillian please i'm sorry, you know i am, deep down."
"wow." liza breathed. "lillian, you might-"
"he's drunk, fish told me."
"huh?"
"at a bar, drunk off his ass."
"i really think you should talk to him."
"i don't." i muttered.
"you need to sleep, let's talk about this in the morning."
my breath hitched in my throat and i couldn't stop the words from spilling out. "i felt actually wanted when the man assaulted me, like he could've picked anyone and he chose me, me. i felt wanted. and then i realized it was bad and i haven't gone to the police or hospital and i think i cut too deep in some places, and i think i need to go to the psych ward."
liza took my hand. "okay."