KAI x YOU (Short Story, Break up and Make up Ver.)

the talk

I had let him in and the smell of soju wafted to my nose. It was hard to be mad at him even though I wondered how he knew where I lived. I awkwardly shuffled into the living room of my apartment and he followed me before looking around. As drunk as he was, he seemed like he could still walk and not fall. I let out a deep breath, pressing the water heater so I could make him tea, before turning around just to stare at him.

Kai was on the couch, his face in his hands as he rocked himself back and forth. He licked his lips before pressing a hand against his forehead and while the heater dinged to indicate it was done, I turned away to pour it into a cup before speaking.

"Why are you here, Kai?"

I was met with silence and when I dropped the bag into the cup and turned to him, my eyes met his.

"It's almost midnight. Why are you here?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "Look, I don't know. I started drinking and I thought of you and I wanted to call but you blocked me and I didn't know your new number—"

"Why are you here?" I repeated, my voice steady.

"And I wanted to see you because I missed you."

That was when I couldn't handle it anymore. The amount of anger and pain just came from nowhere and I walked to him, slamming the cup of tea in front of him before walking back to the counter to be as far away from him as possible.

"You've missed me?" I asked, my voice cracking before I stopped talking so I wouldn't break down. "Really, Kai? You don't get to do this."

"I'm not here to do anything! I miss you and I wanted to see you—"

"Miss me? After what you did to me? You miss me?" I asked, my voice raising an octave. "I've missed you, Kai. I missed every part of you, back in the day. I just wanted to hear your voice, wanted to ask if you were okay, or if work was stressful. I wanted to be with you. I missed you so much and you went behind my back just to make me realize that you aren't at all worth missing."

I was crying now, my tears running down my face. It was getting hard to breath and I turned around to grip the counter, my fingers pressing against it so hard it was turning red.

"I know I hurt you." His voice was closer now and I whipped my head around and raised a hand.

"Do not come closer." I seethed and Kai's eyes widened before he took steps backward and plopped back to sit in the couch. "You don't know shit, Kim Jongin."

"I—"

"And for you to come here and act like you can ask for forgiveness is pathetic."

"I'm not here to ask for forgiveness."

"Well then, maybe you should leave."

Kai stood up this time before he gave out a sigh. "I know what I did wrong. I wish you could forgive me but I know you can't because I can't forgive myself. But being with you was just— suffocating."

And this was new. I raised an eyebrow at him and tilted my head with awe at what he said.

"Suffocating?" I repeated after him. "I let you do everything you wanted to do, I have never—"

"No. Not in that sense. It's just the way you loved me was so selfless." He begun. "I knew I never deserved it in the first place. You never fought me, you know? Nights I couldn't talk to you, you never went off and yelled at me for not giving you attention. I wouldn't tell you where I was, you'd always just say: It's okay, baby, you must've forgot. Every time we fought, you'd just disappear to calm your head. Even before, when I met you at that party. An ex would do everything to make me feel jealous. I expected you to scream at me and demand an explanation, but you smiled and was friendly and I— You were too good to me."

I blinked at him before raising an eyebrow, shaking my head at what I was hearing.

"So you're saying, that you cheated on me because I was too good?"

"It's not just that. I knew you would be fine after whatever that happened. You're strong and that's why I never asked for you back, because I thought that you'd be okay without me."

"But I wasn't fine." I ran a hand through my hair. "I was never fine. You were my person, Kai. I loved you. It was you and me against the world and now it's you and the world against me. I didn't yell at you because I trusted you. I didn't pick fights because I understood you. I wasn't mean to you in the party because I knew that it would make nothing better."

"I miss you." He said this so softly, pressing his hands against his own cheeks before letting out a breath. "I know what I did wrong. I just... I want to everything to be better. I want you to be mine again. I want to make things right."

"One day, Kai. But not today." ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I don't know why I felt heartbroken all over again, huddled with my blanket at 1 am in the morning while crying my eyes out. I loved him and I was very well aware of that, but I knew that I didn't deserve to be cheated on again.

While I wiped my tears on my tear-stained pillow, I fumbled for my phone just to see a text message from Yixing.

"You awake?"

Without even thinking, I pressed call and waited for him to answer."Hey." He answered and I could almost hear the smile in his voice.

"You free?" I asked, sniffling and almost suddenly his voice was laced with worry.

"You okay?"

"Drinks?" I asked again and he gave out a "Hmmm."

"Where will I meet you?"

"Can you pick me up?" I asked and he agreed.

After hanging up, I blew my nose. Kai was right. I was never demanding, I was never emotional, and I was never confrontational. I took less risks, was more stoic with my emotions. So, I told myself, just for one night— just for one night, I want to be able to the girl I never could be with Kai.

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