I Can't Stop

Part 19

Usually, after a show, Lindsey would go straight to his hotel room and rest if he and Stevie weren't in some way together. Right now, however, he was outside on the balcony, overlooking London. A glass in his hand, which he was gripping tightly, he bounced his knee up and down at a fast pace, he took a sip of whiskey. Lindsey hated that he had do go back years, return to a substance, which made him relax and calm down. Since the first night, when the band had landed in Dublin, Lindsey and Stevie hadn't really talked, well, not about what was going on in their personal lives. They did soundchecks, they performed and interacted with each other, but this time, it truly was just for show. He didn't know how to deal with it all.

After some time, Lindsey heard the knock on the door he'd been waiting for and jumped up to let his guest in. Even though they had just seen each other, Christine gave Lindsey a hug before walking into his room. She hadn't performed with Fleetwood Mac in forever, but she did make a guest appearance that night. 

"Thanks for coming." Lindsey said. "I was sitting outside. If you don't mind..."

"No, of course not." Christine shook her head and followed after him.

"Can I get you anything?" He asked as she sat down.

"Uh, no." Chris declined and Lindsey took a seat as well. "How are you doing?" She spoke up because Lindsey remained quiet. 

"I'm not really sure." Lindsey brought his glass up to his lips. "I don't know, how I'm supposed to be feeling."

"I want you to know, Lindsey, that I didn't mean for you to find out the way you did." Christine said. "It was not my place and I should have been aware that anyone could have come up to us."

"You don't have to be sorry about anything." He shrugged. "If not for you, I still wouldn't know."

"Have you and Stevie talked about it?"

Lindsey sighed. "I couldn't say that we got anywhere, but I did go see her the first night we came to Europe after the break. I have so much laying on my heart, I had to say something to her. I didn't share nearly half of what I'm going through, but... I just... I can't really force myself to be around her, when it isn't necessary."

"I don't want you to think that I'm defending Stevie. I told her right from the start that you have the right to know, however, it's not entirely her fault." Christine noticed the frown forming on Lindsey's face, but she didn't let him interrupt. "You both were involved. You knew she had a husband and a daughter. You were committed to another woman. Yet, you couldn't stay away from Stevie. I'm sure she didn't have to seduce you and drag you into her bed." Chris gave him a pointed look and Lindsey pursed his lips, but stayed quiet. "You slept together, she got pregnant and you had everything to do with it, Lindsey. Stevie shouldn't have had a secret like that to keep in the first place."

"But it's always been like that between us."

"That doesn't excuse either of you." Christine shrugged. "Stevie told me, she came to me first, because she didn't know what to do. I suggested that she should tell you, but at the same time, choosing not to, she believed she was protecting everyone involved and that's a lot of people, Lindsey."

"She's always known that all I've ever wanted was her, a family with her." Lindsey sighed, knocking back the rest of his drink. "I would have-"

"What? Left Kristen?" Christine cut him off. "Left your pregnant girlfriend for a woman, you'd known since you were a teenager, the woman you had tried and tried to make things work, but couldn't? For the woman, who at the time had already been married to someone else, had a child with?" Question after question came and Lindsey sat hunched over, rubbing his forehead as he listened. "What makes you so sure that Stevie even wanted that? That she would have left Don for you, too?"

"Kristen shouldn't have happened." Lindsey had no answers, but he did say that. "I was never supposed to have a family with her, marry her." 

"But you did. You settled and if you hadn't, you'd hate yourself for it right now. You had been talking about wanting to be a father long before she came into your life."

"I wish I could get over Stevie, move on..." Lindsey sat back against the chair and looked out into the distance.

"No, you don't. It's unfortunate that you two aren't together, but... that's life." Christine looked over at him sympathetically. "I understand that you're hurting, Lindsey, and that's okay, but deep down, you don't want to go on with the rest of your life hating Stevie for what she'd done."

"I've lost sixteen years of Alice's life, Chris."

"You haven't lost anything. You've been there, by her side since the day she was born." Christine said. "You asked me to come here tonight, because you wanted to talk, you wanted me to help and give you advice on what to do. I think that you should cherish every single moment you and Alice have shared and think about the ones you will share. I know you and the thing you probably want to do know is ignore everything and tell Alice that you're her dad, but you can't do that. Who knows, maybe someday you'll be able to, but not right now. What you should do now is try and understand Stevie. I'm not saying you should forgive her and have things back to the way they were, but give her a chance to prove to you that she never truly meant to hurt you."

Lindsey listened, he heard what Christine was telling him, however, he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to do that. At least not right away.