𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑴 & 𝑯𝑶𝑷𝑬; 𝑳𝑨𝑺𝑯𝑻𝑶𝑵

chapter 1

"ashton, can you hear me?"

"ashton, bro, are you okay?", asked luke, a concerned look on his face.

he'd noticed that ashton had been a little distant the last few weeks. he thought it may have just been a phase but now it's rather concerning, considering ashton's past.

"hm? yeah, i'm fine. just a little tired is all", ashton swiftly lies, giving luke a small smile.

luke just stared at him blankly before nodding slowly and turning to talk to michael about their concert tonight.

ashton nearly had a heart attack. how did luke know? why did he ask? was ashton being too obvious about how he really feels?

no one can know. he has to keep it to himself. no one cares, so why waste time telling them?

it's not worth the embarrassment and hurt of them laughing in his face and walking out of his life for good.

so, ashton just puckered up a little, giving a smile and scrolling through social media.

"i can't believe we only have 5 concerts left until we can go home. this year has been crazy, i'm honestly sad it's almost over," michael said, "i feel like it's gone too fast."

luke laughed, saying something about how it 'hasn't gone fast enough' making the boys chuckle.

ashton, for one, thought the concert has been stretching on for years, and he just wanted to go home where he doesn't have to talk to anyone or pretend to be happy.

being happy sucks, especially when it's fake. ashton can't even remember the last time he was truly happy, it's been so long.

"ashton, can i talk to you for a second?" luke asks with a small smile.

"uh, yeah sure."

the two got up and walked into another room, luke shutting the door and looking at ashton expectantly.

"what's going on ash? you've been acting distant for weeks and i know it's not just because you're 'tired'. there's something going on and you're not telling us. you know we're always here for you, right? you can trust us ash." luke said honestly, grabbing ashton's hand.

"it's nothing luke, i promise. i've just been sad and nervous that the tour is almost over, nervous to go back home. i don't know why but it's a lot to take in that it's almost over. i haven't been getting a lot of sleep so i'm always tired and stuff. that's it, there's nothing wrong," ashton said, trying his hardest not to cry.

if there is one thing the world knows about luke, it's that he understands emotions and lies easier than anyone else. he's observant, and knows when it's time to step in or time to step back. and that sucks, because now luke knew that ashton was lying and that something was wrong. luke knew ashton better than anyone else.

"ash...please talk to me. i know deep down you want to, so why are you holding back?" luke sighed.

"there's nothing wrong lucas so how about you back off? i'm fucking fine, i just said what's wrong and get you keep pushing? leave me some for gods sake. it's like you want for something to be wrong so you can go and play the good guy again and be all top shit! well, newsflash, that's not gonna happen. i'm fine!" ashton yells, pushing luke out of the way and storming out of the room.

luke stood there dumbfounded, deciding that right now wasn't a good time to talk to ashton, and there was most definitely something wrong.

as luke walked out of the room, a thought hit him.

this is ashton. ashton irwin. the kid who used to feel out of place and insecure, the kid that used to self harm because he couldn't get through what he was going through.

the thought worried luke, what if he was doing it again? what if ashton wasn't in a good place and was hurting himself again? it was frightening, because ashton is no longer a young, dumb kid, but a 24 year old man who knew exactly what he was doing.

but luke had hope, luke had hope that ashton wasn't harming himself. he promised he wouldn't, and he would keep that promise, right? right.

michael noticed luke's obvious distress, as he's not very good at hiding it, and asked what was up.

"it's nothing. i just think that ashton might be tired and just wants to go home. we should give him space because he kinda snapped at me for asking what's wrong," luke said, shaking his head.

michael nodded and agreed that we were all probably tired and just wanting to go home. the tour was nearly over, and they were all just wanting to lay in their own bed in their own homes with their family.

"i hope he's okay though mikey. i mean, it is ashton after all. who knows what's going through his mind. we all know how he is with his mental health and i swear i can't go through that again, i can't go through the stress of thinking that i might lose my best friend again," luke said with tears in his eyes.

luke was the friend that helped ashton more than anyone else. he was the one that helped ashton through everything, that got him to stop hurting himself.

luke had been through hell with ashton, and it took so long for him to help ashton finally be okay with himself.

it was all luke.

none of the other boys knew of the countless nights that luke spent at ashtons, holding the boy in his arms as sobs wracked through his body.

none of the other boys knew of the countless times that luke would clean up ashton and take care of him after a particularly hard day where it got too much, where the stress was too much, and he would break, sometimes even shatter.

luke never got mad at ashton though, he only ever offered his kind, genuine words. he was never judgmental, never angry.

it made ashton sometimes wonder how luke was so well acquainted with this particular subject, self-harm.

luke was so smart, so full of knowledge. how did he know? how did he always have the perfect advice?

he was perfect.

luke was perfect.

there was not a single fault in that beautiful boy. he was the most genuinely sweet, caring and amazing person ashton had ever met. he loves the other boys, but he adores luke.

but no one can know that. because ashton isn't perfect. ashton is damaged, scarred and ugly. no one would love him, especially not someone as perfect as luke. why would he? he would never stoop so low.

so, there's another reason why ashton hates himself. no one will ever want him. no one will ever like him.

so what's the point? why is he still here?

sometimes he asks himself the same question.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

hello my children, here's the first chapter! this book is already such a roller coaster of emotions and it's the first chapter. what can i say? oops.

don't forget to vote and comment, it would mean the world🥺

ALSO, a wonderful angel made my cover, bless her heart, and she also has a wonderful book called 'project wildflower'. y'all should DEFINITELY follow her and read her book. it's soooo good, let me tell you!
lover-of-mine