𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑴 & 𝑯𝑶𝑷𝑬; 𝑳𝑨𝑺𝑯𝑻𝑶𝑵

chapter 5

*unedited*

ashton's POV:

why can't i ever do anything right? why must i always be wrong; always say the wrong things and do the wrong things.

i made it so agonisingly clear of my feelings for luke, just because i couldn't keep my damn hurt feelings in check.

the way that he said that he was straight, he almost seemed to rub it in my face, like he knew of my feelings and didn't have a care in the world.

it hurt. it hurt so fucking bad, knowing that i'm head over heals in love with someone who's straight, who's into women, not men.

i just wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry, to just be done and over with, to stop feeling.

luke doesn't deserve the baggage i carry anyway. i'm not worth his time, and i never will be.

i deserve to have him rub his sexuality in my face, i deserve to not be loved.

luke deserves to be happy with a woman, not with me.

i sighed, tears brimming my eyes as i walked into the bathroom, knowing what i had to do.

i hated cutting myself, i know that there is other ways, but this is just the easiest way to not feel the emotional pain that clouds over me every day.

i'd been a week clean because of hanging out with the boys all the time, but now i'm done. after what luke said i just feel empty, and i need a release.

*sensitive content*

i showered, and while i was in there, i grabbed my razor.

with a shaky hand, i ran my thumb over the tip, making sure it was still sharp, then put it against my arm, splitting the skin.

as the blade ran further and more blood spilt from my arm in beautiful red waves, i felt at peace.

i haven't felt this good since last week, and i've been needing it.

i screwed my eyes shut, tears slipping down my face.

finally, my breathing slowed and i calmed down, crawling out of the shower and cleaning myself up.

i sighed and fell into my bed, snuggling under the covers and shutting my eyes.

i just wanted to disappear. i wanted to stop being in love with luke, it's the worst feeling. 

just as i was drifting off the sleep, i heard a knock on the door.

i got out of bed and put on a black long sleeved shirt, walking to the door and opening it.

"hey, ash, umm...can we talk, please?" luke asked, looking down at his feet while playing with his hands.

"umm, yeah i guess." i replied, my anxiety picking up.

he walked in, shitting the door and turning to me.

"i'm sorry, ash. i'm so fucking sorry for saying what i said and being an asshole. i'm sorry for saying what i said last night and making you uncomfortable because i know you're straight and shit and i didn't mean to make you ma-"

"what? im straight? are you serious luke?" i asked, my eyes widening.

"wait, what?"

"luke, i'm not straight. i've never been straight. i'm gay, and i guess i've always hid it because i thought you guys would be mad or something," i mumbled, looking at the floor.

"wait, so you're gay? like into men gay?"

"that's the only gay there is luke."

"umm, okay. well shit, uhh...that's good ash, that's good. i'm glad you told me," he said, smiling at me.

"and what you said didn't make me uncomfortable.." i said lowly, looking at the floor again.

"what?"

"don't worry," i said, not wanting luke to find out about anything.

he sighs, looking me in the eyes before talking again.

"you mean a lot to me ash,  i mean that's. i didn't mean to upset you today by seeming to defensive, there's a reason for that and i promise it's not you're fault. i didn't mean to make you feel like shit," he said, standing closer to me than before.

my nerves were starting to pick up and he was now right in front of me, our chests touching.

"do you...do you like anyone at the moment?" he asked, studying my face, looking as if he wasn't even paying attention to what he was saying.

"i-i do," i admitted, luke's actions making my confidence level rise.

"and who might that be, handsome?"

"you have to tell me first, who do you like, luke?"

he looked at me, like he was making a hard decision and not knowing what option to choose.

"id be embarrassed to say, just in case that person doesn't like me back," he says, biting his lip.

"and i feel the same way, hemmings,"

he smiled, grabbing my chin to make me look into his eyes.

"you're so beautiful, ashton."

"that's not something a straight person would say, luke," i said, wondering what he was going on about.

"fucking hell you can be so goddamn dense sometimes ashton," he growled, pulling me even closer, if that was possible.

"then maybe you should elaborate," i whispered, leaning my face closer to his.

his breath started to pick up, and he looked back into my eyes.

"fuck it," he whispered,

finally leaning down to capture my lips with his.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

hey my guys, what's up? how's you're day been? i just got home from school, the school holidays just ended here in australia, *cries*

anyways i know this chapter is short, but it paid off, did it not?

don't forget to vote and comment x

i love y'all, stay safe,
-grace <3