𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑴 & 𝑯𝑶𝑷𝑬; 𝑳𝑨𝑺𝑯𝑻𝑶𝑵

chapter 9

*trigger warning-suicide and self harm,
GRAPHIC*

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the sound of gushing blood, the feeling of split skin and the ultimate feeling of complete peace and calmness that washes over a person when they breathe their last breath, see their last image and think their last thought.

there is no better peace, no calmer feeling that exists in this mess of a world.

the complete assurance that you're ever going to wake up, never going to feel the hurt ever again makes you smile, smile until your face falls slack and the rest of your body turns limp.

and it's strange, so darn strange, how a person has never felt happier, never felt happier than they do in that moment; that moment when they're hanging on by a thread so they can feel themselves die, feel their last breath be taken, and watch as their eyes slowly turn cloudy and thoughts turn hazy.

a person who has experienced it will tell you that it's the best feeling in the world, feeling yourself die. it's ethereal, beautiful, like no other.

you can't explain it to people, because you're dead, but you wish you could pass on the feeling of bliss and the feeling of being so wholeheartedly light, so light that you could fly.

ashton always wanted to fly, and here he was, flying.

he'd never been more in his element. here he was, flying, doing what he'd been dreaming of doing for years.

all negative thoughts flew out the window, almost forgotten, locked in a forbidden place that won't ever be reached unless you treck down a long path of sorrow and thorns, of compete sadness, which is now a foreign feeling.

the lightness, the crisp, clean air engulfs you, dragging you further and further with the lightest touch, a featherlight touch guiding you where you need to be.

the place that you will be happy, where you will feel alive.

how strange is it to feel more alive when you're actually dead. life is funny like that.

ashton didn't feel guilty, he didn't feel the heaviness that usually enveloped him all day, every day.

he was free, and he was happy.

why doesn't everyone do this? everything is so much better this way, everyone is happy.

that is, until you hear voices, so very distant, so very far away, but still there, still present.

they get closer and closer, there's banging, there's screaming and crying, and things being thrown around.

and suddenly, ashton feels heavy. he's not flying, he's being carried.

he's not dead, not fully, but he's nearly there.

why didn't they let him die?! did they read his notes? he needed this!

ashton finally let the darkness over take him, despite the far away voices not wanting him to.

the blood still pouring out of his arms and legs, everywhere his razor could reach, and the pills making his mind foggy and everything was in slow motion.

ashton quite frankly had no idea what was going on.

he was sleeping, deeper than he ever had before, and there was a person standing there, a person telling him to wake up.

but he didn't want to, he felt happy like that, being asleep.

"you have to go back ashton, this isn't your time."

ashton looks up, seeing a man who looked like he was a bright light, wearing all white walk towards him.

"what do you mean go back?" ashton asked, confused. he was as high as a kite and didn't know what was happening.

"you can't die now ashton, you need to go back. you need to have enough strength to go back to the boys, it's not your time yet. find your strength ashton, i know you have it," the man said, disappearing.

ashton was confused. the man looked and sounded familiar, a far away memory of a person who he once looked up to, someone he once loved, long ago.

before they died, just just ashton wanted to.

ashton didn't want to go back, he was happy where he was, not wanting to leave the feeling of bliss and lightness.

he was happy, and they want him back? ashton didn't want that, but he always a people pleaser.

"but i like it here," he said to no one in particular since the man had left, so ashton awkwardly played with his hands while looking at the ground.

"please, ash wake up! why would you do this? i need you ash, i need you," a voice said, a distant voice that sounded familiar.

ashton felt as though he should've remembered who it was, but he was so out of it that he couldn't fit the voice to a name or face.

"no, i'm not coming back," ashton whispered to the person who couldn't hear him.

"please...i love you ash, and i can't lose you."

"i'm not coming back," he whispered back weakly one last time, finally drifting even further than before into the empty darkness.

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the truth is; i was meant to post this yesterday. whoops.