𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑴 & 𝑯𝑶𝑷𝑬; 𝑳𝑨𝑺𝑯𝑻𝑶𝑵

chapter 13

luke

"you need to go shower, mate. this is getting out of hand luke," michael said, trying to get me to look in his eyes.

it's been 5 days, and i haven't left the hospital and i'm pretty sure that michael and calum are just about ready to physically drag me out and take me home.

the thing is, i don't care. i don't care about myself, i don't care about how much i smell or the fact that i've lost weight and haven't eaten, i don't care that the bags under my eyes are bigger than a fucking moon crater.

i care about ashton.

i want ashton to be okay, just for once in his life.

i want to tell him that i'm sorry, i want to hug him and kiss him and tell him i love him and how much he means to everyone. i want him to be happy.

i sighed, "i'm not leaving,"

michael groans loudly, not giving up.

"luke, i'm not asking. you're being stupid, and i know it might sound insensitive right now but you know that ashton would want you to look after yourself, and you haven't showered in 5 goddamn days, i don't even think you've eaten today! this is insane, luke, and i won't let you fall back into this bullshit, i'm sorry, but i can't," he stresses, tears in his eyes.

michael knew, he always knew. he knew about the drugs, about he alcohol and depression. he knew about it all before ashton did.

he tried to help, he really did, but nothing could help me, no one could help me.

he was always there, thought, to take the joint out of my hand or flush away my weed, thinking it would help.

he tried his best.

and for that i'll always hold a significant amount of respect for him.

"please, luke, please go home. only for tonight, then you can come back tomorrow, just please look after yourself this one time," he says, taking my hand in his.

"i want to-i just-it's-im scared, mikey. i'm so fucking scared, what if he dies? i can't-fuck i can't lose him-" i manage to choke out, tears of my own flowing down my face.

michael pulls me into him, hugging me. "calum's staying here tonight, he'll be right here and if anything happens he'll contact us right away, i promise you that, luke."

"it's okay to be scared, i am too," he adds, holding me tighter.

i nod, letting him go and grabbing only his arm as he slowly leads me out of the hospital.

the car ride was silent, me looking out the window, imagining and hoping for many things to happen, to just go good.

michael's rough voice cuts me out of my thoughts, "we're home."

it's weird, it feels foreign to be here. it feels like i don't even belong here, it's a place that i don't want to be.

i can't do this.

my breathing started to get heavier and i began fighting to get back in the car, michael holding me back.

"luke-luke! you need to calm down, please luke, breathe, breathe," he says, holding onto me.

"i can't do this mike, take me back-i can't-no! i need ash, please mikey i need ash!" i say, stumbling to the floor as tears begin streaming down my cheeks.

i can't be here.

i can't fucking do this anymore.

it all hurts, every part of my body.