Lonely (a falsettos college AU)

Excerpt from a Doctor: part 2

This is a vibe.

Medical journal of doctor Mendel Weisenbachfeld

I had Trina coming to me, crying over Marvin.

I sort of knew what was going on, the glances between Marvin and Whizzer, the unnecessary touches, but I did not want to be the one to break her heart- I also did not want her to shoot the messenger.

She said Marvin was distant, which I definitely could see. Even though it must be a good twenty five years later, It still haunts me. She could have been mine but I decided to cover for Marvin.

He came to me asking for advice one day, mid class, he said that he thought he was in love.

I did not know who he was talking about. It could have gone either way to be totally honest.

Marvin said he was drawn to them, feeling himself being pulled towards the person. He would not specify whether it was Whizzer or Trina but I always suspected Whizzer.

Trina told me that she thought Marvin was cheating, and I could not let the goosebumps go as I thought of that day we arrived at Marvin's place. How whizzer would say something that only the two of them seemed to understand, I saw him joking around, slapping Marvin's ass only to have Marvin wince and make a strange noise of pain i had never heard and then get annoyed at Whizzer. I did not see anymore as they went into Marvin's bedroom, but I can only imagine what happened.

And I really did not want to imagine what happened.

Marvin asked me what love felt like, and I said

"You will never know until you know what love does not feel like."

He asked me was love did not feel like for me. So I told him the truth.

"Honest feelings but bad timing. They are the painful combination. My biggest mistake wasn't falling in love with them, it was thinking that they had fallen for me too."

Trina. I was talking about Trina.

That was before Trina came to me, when she said she thought he was cheating and I realised what was going on. So I confronted him, asked him how he was so heartless that he did not even feel guilty and he responded by saying:

"I didn't become heartless I just became smarter. I don't need my happiness to depend on someone else, not anymore."

I had never seen this before in him, it was a cold, senseless, paranoid man in front of me, not the sweet, generous boy I once knew who would always give me lunch money in kindergarten when I did not have any.

He had become a monster, realising that he could have it all. He could have the girlfriend who everyone was jealous of, the gorgeous, kind person who saw the best in everyone. But he could also have the boyfriend who could satisfy him, be a challenge but not be public with, who he could be aggressive and abusive with. Who he could be himself with.

And it helped me realise that all he wanted was someone to love him.

Someone, anyone, his parents were never around growing up- I remembered that and he needed people to fill the large hole in his life where he was alone.

If he kept taking, never being satisfied with who he had, he would end up alone again. I did not want that to happen because although he had hurt me, it was only because he too was hurting.

Then one day, after Whizzer had been giving him the cold shoulder for a while and Trina had been ignoring him, he did it. Finally. He broke up with her. She cried into my shirt until Whizzer showed up, taking her into his arms and sobbing with her.

For a guy who cheated with her boyfriend, they seemed to be getting along just fine, which struck me as odd.

And they stayed together all night, her falling asleep on his chest, him stroking her hair as he looked deep in thought. Once she was asleep, I asked him why he was still being nice to Trina, he did not have to be, he got the guy. But he said to me something that almost hurt with honesty.

"When I first met her I hated her so fucking much, not because of her, but because she stole the only person  I have ever been interested in. When I went back to my dorm, I had a panic attack in the hall, I was so scared of everything, and damn I still am, but she didn't even know me, yet she still stopped and gave me a hug, told me she was there if I needed to talk. Kind people aren't kind by choice, kind people have seen bad things, been messed up, yet they try and make it better for other people because they know what it feels like."

He kissed Trina's hair as she turned in her sleep

"And Marvin isn't perfect, you out of all people should know that."

"He is far from it."

"She knew, she always knew. I mean the day he and her got together, he gave me a blowjob, I thought he'd broken up with her but no."

Trina sat up, waking abruptly from her sadness, eyes swollen and puffy.

"He said he loved me." She said, tears streaming down her face.

"I know Honey, me too."

It was an unlikely relationship, but I can now see after all this time where it came from. Marvin could be so sweet to the people he loved, but he could also be mean.

He had to be in control, and I think that is why part of him died the day that changed it all, because Whizzer was the one person he could not control.

After the break up I talked to Marvin, he was still
My friend After all.

"Look at her." He whispered. "She was so happy, and I destroyed her. She always seems to be on the verge of tears, her eyes are glassy and I haven't seen her smile since the day I broke up with her."

I looked down the hall to where Whizzer and Trina were sitting together, working on a project together. And I turned back to him, seeing his gaze on her sad and lonely.

"Will you tell her I'm sorry, okay? Tell her I'm sorry hurting her."

"I will." I said , "but for the record, you did not destroy her, she is stronger than you will ever be, and you only added oxygen to the fire."