I am a Girl

Confession

"The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself the challenge is to silence the mind." - Caroline Myss

Once there was a girl who floated through life feeling as though she had been drugged by emotions she failed to recognize. She often wore a smile for others but underneath the mask was something she failed to understand. One day her state of heart gripped her in a most unyielding choke-hold as she sat in her car in a busy parking lot, feeling as though she had become a prisoner to hopelessness. In that moment, it would have been a death sentence if she had attempted to drive.

Would it seem weird to say that fear bought me freedom as I stand being just me, telling a story? Would you laugh and say, wow that was weird? Probably.

Yes, just like every girl she became a woman through all the steps and paths that each and every girl takes to become a woman. But maybe her's didn't turn out as prefect as one would hope yet still she believed she needed the ups and downs to be who she is now. It wasn't always worse. She had a great life too, in a sense.

She had big dreams too. Just as every girl dreamt of a beautiful future with someone beloved. To live her own version of fairytale. She did too. One would have called it perfect till jealousy, envy, anger and sadness ran over. She doesn't quite blame anyone. But most of all her fear to lose everything took over her and destroyed what she dreamt of.

One day she found herself glaring at her steering wheel for dear life as if it will feel her terror and turn all by itself to save her from the unearthly death she is about to step into once again like a cycle. Alone in a parking lot, surrounded by passing strangers who were oblivious to her state of personal catastrophe, she felt as though she was trapped inside of a horror movie, desperate to find the pause button somewhere. But, there was nothing to be found and no one was coming to sweep in and save her from this nightmare. But before those steering wheels turned, she felt eyes on her cocoon of a car's window. Surprised she slowly turned her head as if she was about meet her own custom nightmare.

But her eyes met similar pair of hazel eyes on a beautiful girl who simply smiled and ran toward the beautiful sandy beach in front of her. Her innocently smiling face reminded her of the little girl she once remembered running around smiling just like that with her mother.
As if possessed she stepped outside her cocoon and walked following the little girl in daze. With her shaky feet she stepped into the sand, bare feted, loud heart, mind numb. The waves in front of her felt so free to her. She was enchanted by its call. The water called her, the cold deeming blue stared back at her, mocking her. It was offering something she has been craving. In that moment she felt the need, the taste of freedom she craved so much. Her shaky feet moved faster, before soon she was running to the water that was offering her, her own freedom.

That girl was me.

I was a young girl once, who fell in love in an instant, naively so. Enjoyed every day with my beloved one as if he was my air, my start and end, and someone who thought everything was going to work out just about perfectly fine. Amazingly, it almost even did.

I was taught to be honest, to be brave. I learned watching my idol, my mother. I was told I could win the world with me my heart. Or so I thought.

When my mother left this world I had 2 little siblings to take care of while my father was busy from work. I use to cry for the whole night and sometime miss school for not being able to wake up in the morning and my siblings would get scolded for it. But they never blamed me, neither did my father. How could he? He knew how no one would be there to support us, only to mock. He couldn't remarry either. He loved my mother too much for that. His eyes said enough. But how long could it go on like that. That's when I thought now is the time to stand up for their life as my own. At some point of life I remembered something my mother had told me.