Rainbow Six: November Sun

55: "HEALING"

Natalya's jaw dropped. "Oh my God. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Really. It's okay."

"It's okay?" Natalya stood suddenly and turned to look down at Lera. "Here I am feeling sorry for myself and you've been fighting your whole fucking life. And—"

"Talya—"

"—show up here in tears because I can't handle my own hardships. I'm so sorry."

"Natalya!" Lera protested, a bit more scoldingly than she intended. "You cannot think that way."

The other woman paced about, nearly bumping into the coffee table. "No? How do you figure?"

Lera stayed seated, and she watched her friend's face as she paced back and forth. "You can't compare hardships with someone else," she said softly. "Wanting to end it all doesn't make you weak."

"Doesn't it?"

"You just called me 'strong' for fighting my whole life." Lera's gaze fell. "I still want to give up sometimes. Does that make me weak?"

Natalya stopped pacing and faced her. "No!" she practically shouted. "Absolutely not!"

Lera allowed a soft smile. "Then neither are you." She opened her palms in her lap and stared down at her hands, and eyed the calluses on her fingers. A shadow enveloped her suddenly, and Lera looked up to see Natalya standing over her.

"Thank you," Natalya whispered. She bent down to hug Lera, and when she withdrew her embrace, she eyed Lera's hands in curiosity. She knelt and poked at her callused palms. "Damn," she snorted. "Is that from the gym?"

Lera chuckled. "Yes." Among other things, of course, that she was not at liberty to discuss.

"Figured." Natalya stood upright and began pacing again. "You don't skip leg day. I'm jealous, girl." She sighed. "I need to work out."

Lera laughed, not quite sure what to say. She watched her friend for a long moment. "Talya."

"Mm."

"I'm glad you're still here."

Natalya stopped and smiled ruefully at the woman. She was in danger of spiraling into more tears, so she mouthed Thank you. She plopped down on the seat next to Lera, swung an arm around her, and leaned on her shoulder. "I'm glad you're here, too, Lera."

The pair sat in silence for a lengthy time. The muffled laughter of a man and woman outside in the hallway floated into the room. They could hear a car honk out in the street behind the window, and the distant drone of a helicopter somewhere amidst the Moscow skyline.

Lera cleared her throat. "You should stay here tonight."

Natalya lifted her head from her friend's shoulder. "No - I don't want to impose. Seriously."

"You wouldn't!" Lera insisted. "I'll sleep on the couch. It's glorious. You can have the bed." She paused. "I guess... I just..."

"I get it," Natalya whispered. "You don't have to explain. I don't want to be alone, either."

Lera sighed and lay back against the couch, tilting her head back to stare at the ceiling. She exhaled mightily. She opened her mouth to say something but realized she had no idea what to say next, and so she just closed her eyes.

Natalya scooted closer and leaned over her. She brushed rogue strands of hair from Lera's eyes before lightly touching the skin on her forehead, near her scar. "Does it ever hurt?"

"No. Tingles, sometimes. Itches. But never hurts." The sudden intimacy surprised her, but Lera didn't open her eyes.

She felt Natalya's fingertip tracing her scar lightly. Lera resisted the urge to bat her hand away, and her heart began to race when she sensed the other woman's feelings, heavy in the air.

Natalya's fingers traced Lera's cheek, her jaw, down to her chin. "You're an amazing person, Lera. You always have been."

Lera finally opened her eyes and rolled her neck on the back of the couch to look at the woman. "No," she countered quietly. "I'm just tired. Tired all the time, trying to pretend I'm not."

"I know the feeling." Natalya leaned her face in, but hesitated. "Is this okay?" she chanced. "Am I being stupid?"

Butterflies fluttered about in Lera's chest. "It's okay," she whispered.

Natalya's dark eyes were just inches away from Lera's. She lingered close before cupping Lera's face in both hands. She kissed her forehead and moved upward, gently pressing her lips to Finka's scar.

Lera shivered slightly, and hoped it wasn't too obvious. It had been a long time since she had allowed herself to be intimate with anyone. She rarely saw the point in it, and had been too distracted in recent years by the clock on her life to let herself enjoy someone else's company.

Natalya brushed her mouth against Lera's cheeks. "I'm glad you're here," she whispered again, and she tilted her chin to kiss her.

Lera greeted her hesitantly at first, but when Natalya cradled the back of her head and pulled her closer, Lera's lips parted for hers. The warmth was arresting.

Lera's heart raced as Natalya swept a leg over over her lap. They kissed for a long, sensual moment before Lera fell back to the couch and gently pulled Natalya down with her.

Lera shut her eyes tight, refusing to open the door for bad memories, her troubles, for her numbness and pain. She ran her fingers through her companion's hair. When Natalya's affection sank lower and her lips caressed Lera's neck, Lera resolved to let go and lose herself in the woman's arms; even if just for one night.