Summer of '93 - Stozier

26

Another sleepless night, it was only 3am, but Stanley already knew he wasn't getting a rest that night.

His mind just would not shut down. No matter how hard he would try to clear his mind, thoughts of what he had done and said to the people who used to consider him a best friend kept creeping back up on him.

He'd cried about it a lot. He knew it was a stupid thing to cry over, but he just felt so guilty.

He'd mostly cried over what he'd said to Richie. He thought about those times the most, cause of fucking course Henry would make him target Richie the most. Henry had always had it out for the losers, but he'd always pick on who he could tell was the weakest. Stan used to think that was him, until he found out how bad Richie was, what with his nightmares and panic attacks and constant fear of being forgotten.. and thats not even the half of it. Henry always knew Richie was the weakest. He could see right through his mask of witty remarks and horrible jokes without even trying.

Stan would catch himself thinking about Richie a lot nowadays. He didn't know why. Maybe it was the guilt, or maybe there was another reason he couldn't quite bring himself to consider. He just wanted to hug his best friend again, to comfort him after a bad nightmare, or to even just see him smile again. Stan had always thought that was one of Richies best features, his smile. Richie used to be so insecure about it. People would tease him for his giant front teeth and call him names like bucky beaver. Stan had always thought Richies smile was beautiful, even before he'd gotten his braces at twelve, and that on its own gave people more of an opportunity to tease him with more names like brace face and metal mouth.

Of course, that wasn't all that Stan found beautiful about Richie. There was his freckles that, if you stared long enough, looked like constellations. Richie would always catch Stan staring at his freckles, trying to see if he could find a constellation.

There was one time when they were fourteen, in the clubhouse. It was only Stan and Richie there that day. Richie had been reading his Spiderman comic, as fourteen year old Richies do, and felt Stan looking at him from the other end of the hammock (because Richie had refused to sit in the swing to read and had squeezed into the hammock with Stan). He'd looked up at Stan who looked deep in thought, studying Richies face.

"Something on my face?" Richie had asked, half joking.

Stan had muttered, "Delphinus." and tutted when Richie had just stared back at him with a confused expression. "The constellation, dingbat."

Richie had just blinked, still confused.

"In the sky! The stars-"

"Yes, I know what a constellation is, Mister Know-It-All! But incase you haven't noticed, we're underground in the middle of the day!" Richie had spoke in a 'duh' tone.

Stan had sighed, pulling a ballpoint pen out of his jeans pocket, sitting himself forward a little, rocking the hammock as he did. Richie had gripped onto his hand in an effort not to fall out, which Stan used to pull him forward. Stan then cupped Richies cheek with one hand, uncapping the pen with his teeth.

"W-what are you doing?-" Stan could remember seeing Richies face turn a light shade of pink when he asked this.

"Hold still, dipshit." Stan muttered, the pen cap was still between his teeth.

Stan had joined five of Richies freckles that stood out a tiny bit darker than the rest (you couldn't tell unless you were looking for a while) on his left cheek. "Theres a constellation on your face." He'd explained, putting the cap back on the pen.

He'd remembered looking into Richies eyes a little bit longer than strictly necessary. That was another thing Stan thought to be one of Richies best features. He could write a book about all of the things he found amazing about his best friend. The fact that he knew how to make anyone laugh, including Stan. The way he always gave the best hugs and how he was someone you'd always want to cuddle with. And how he'd go on and on about something he liked, a song, for example, or a movie, He'd talk about it for hours, maybe even days, with the brightest smile on his face.

It was normal to think about your best friend like this, right? right?

Stan smiled thinking about Richie. By now it was 4am. His smile slowly faded, remembering that Richie probably hated him now, and the 3000 pound invisible weight, labeled 'guilt' dropped back onto his chest. 

He needed to apologise. Even if Richie wouldn't forgive him. Even if Henry found out and sent the photo all over Derry. Stan needed him to know how sorry he was. It'd been almost a month but Stan couldn't deal with not seeing his best friend. He'd go crazy if he had to spend another day knowing Richie hated him.

He turned his head to look at his window. He could hear the heavy dripping of the rain bouncing off of his windowsill. The sun would be up soon but with the dark grey rainclouds in the sky, it'd be hard to tell.

Stan sprung out of bed, slipping on the first pair of shoes he could find (his well worn hightop converse), and snuck out of his front door.

It was pouring down outside, and Stan was only wearing his black hoodie and grey sweatpants, which were both already soaked with rain. His curls were plastered to his forehead, dripping with water. Stan was freezing already, but those were the least of his worries.

What if he tells me to fuck off? That he never wants to talk to me ever again? would he do that? No- he's Richie! of course he wouldn't.. would he? I mean- I was a bit of a dick.. okay maybe thats an understatement.. god I'm a fucking idiot. This is a waste of time. I should just go back home. No, I cant to that.. I need to apologise, I need to tell him why I did what I did. What if he doesn't believe me? What if he thinks i'm lying? God! Fuck! I have to tell him what the photo was!

By the time Stan had snapped back into reality, he realised he'd made it to Richies house.

Okay.. fuck.. I cant do this..

But he was already walking up the stone path.

Fuck! Fuck! Turn back! Go home! Don't knock on the door!

Stan knocked twice. He only realised how dumb that was after he had done it, remembering it was 4am. The thought that Richie could be asleep didn't even occur to him.

But of course, Richie wasn't asleep.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•

anyone else read one line in andy beans voice cus same.