Summer of '93 - Stozier

47

Feelings

Stan stared at the lined page of the notebook Bill had given him earlier, tapping the eraser end of the pencil against the paper, unsure of what to write.

Bill was already asleep, snoring quietly. Stan looked up at him from his spot on the floor and sighed. Bill had made it sound so easy to write down your feelings.

Feelings. Um.. Ive never been good with feelings, i suppose. This is stupid. Feelings are stupid. Bills stupid for making me write down my stupid feelings. Richies stupid for making me feel these stupid unexplainable feelings!

Um anyway, I guess I should start by writing what in the fuck I feel? Like.. my emotions? Probably? Ew. I hate this.

As I said before, I've never been good with feelings— expressing them, that is. I'm good at hiding them, I suppose. I've been doing that for years, I guess it's easier to hide them than to feel them.

I've only ever been good at showing my true feeling around Richie. I guess it's because we're close. He may be a fucking insensitive prick at times but I know he'd never laugh at me for having stupid feelings. Or maybe he would? I don't know.. he's not very good at feelings either, he's always hiding them with stupid dick jokes. Pretending he's okay is one of Richies best acts, and it fools a lot of people, but I can see right through them.

The only time I truly let my guard down is around him. I guess that's because I was taught from a very young age that boys don't cry, and that I should always hide my true feelings as to not seem weak. But Richie makes me feel safe, i guess. I can be myself around him. I can be myself around my other friends too, of course, but it's different with him. Im not sure why, but it is. That's another thing that I don't understand. Stupid feelings.

Im pretty sure I like him. In a romantic way, I guess. I know that i'm not supposed to, but i can't help it? Im not supposed to like boys! Im supposed to like girls.. Im not gay, I still like girls..

I've never really seen gender as something you're supposed to love. Its the person that you fall in love with, and as long as they make you happy, why does gender matter? Its dumb, i know, but I guess i've always felt that way.

I don't understand what I feel most of the time, and I don't think thats a good thing? But, I feel like i've been drawn to Richie for a while, and before a few months ago I was sure it was because we were best friends. Thats what made me feel different around him. Thats why thinking of him made me smile and why i'd get butterflies when he laughed at something I said. But now i'm not so sure of that.

I know it was dumb to assume something was going on with him and Eddie, but I saw them kissing, for gods sake! How could I not have assumed?

I didn't want to feel jealous whenever they were together, I hated it. But, i suppose i've always seen Eddie as a competition for Richies friendship. Its stupid, and I know i'm not entitled to Richies friendship, but he was my first real friend and i'm scared of losing that. I feel like lately though, its been a competition for Richies attention, not that he has much of an attention span, but anyway, I know it shouldn't be a competition, I know that I don't own him, he's allowed to not pay attention to me 24/7, but it doesn't help the fact that I still get jealous when he's around Eddie. He has other friends, and so do I, but theres always been more of a connection between Richie and I than the others, perhaps its only me that feels it, but there is.

Im still figuring things out, but now with the knowledge that Richie has apparently been in love with me for years, i'm even more confused than before. I was fine with the idea that it was one sided! And I know that sounds selfish, but maybe I could've gotten over these stupid feelings if it was one sided.  Maybe the reason I was pressuring him into admitting there was something going on with him and Eds was because I wished it to be true, cause maybe this would be easier if it was. I'd get through the pain of one sided feeling eventually, right? And then everything would go back to normal, and I'd never have to think about my feelings towards a boy again and my dad would love me again.

He's never really loved me, i guess.. his reputation is more important to him than his own son. I think the last thread of tolerance left when I embarrassed him at my Bar Mitzvah. In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to make that dumb speech in front of like a hundred people, but every word of it was true, so I don't regret it one bit. Its his problem if he cares more about what people think of him than his own flesh and blood, thats on him, not me. Its not my fault, never has been. Or thats what my ma always tells me.

I've strayed off topic, but there nothing much left to say.

Reading over this, I guess I really do like Richie and maybe i'm more oblivious to my feelings than Bill is. I wouldn't say i'm in love, love is scary, I might be, but for now i'll just be content with liking him. Its the expressing it that'll be hard. 

Maybe if I could just get him to talk to me, we could work something out? But thats wishful thinking, knowing Richie, he'll be avoiding me from now on, He'll either lock himself in his room for all eternity, or only hang out with the losers so I can never get him alone.

I should at least try to talk to him, i guess. I could call him.

Maybe I will.

But its three in the morning. He's most likely awake, but if he knows its me he'll hang up.

I guess its worth a shot.

Stan exhaled loudly, closing over the notebook after going over his writing for the fifth time.

Maybe Bill was right, writing down what you feel really does help.

He placed the book under his pillow along with the pencil, before crawling out of the makeshift blanket bed on the floor.

He switched off the lamp and shuffled quietly out of the room, making his way downstairs towards the phone to dial Richies number.

It rung five times before someone answered, Stan tapping his finger on the receiver.

Richie didn't speak and neither did Stan, his voice seemingly caught in his throat.

'Say something!' He thought.

Stan stayed silent, though, listening to the ragged breathing from the other line.

'This was a bad idea! You cant do this over the phone! Hang up! Now!'

And he did, slamming the receiver back into place a little more forcefully than he would've liked.

"Goddammit, Stanley." Stan muttered, dragging himself back upstairs.

He didn't fall asleep til 6am, when the sun was peeking through the blinds, causing the room to glow an orangey colour.