Summer of '93 - Stozier

41

Over the next twelves days, Stan searched libraries, top to bottom for any books on sexuality and the LGBT community, there weren't much of, but hey, what do you expect? After all, it is both Derry and the 90s.

To say he was stressed was an understatement. Stan couldn't sleep most nights, he was awake wondering if he'd found the answer to all his confusion, or if he didn't like boys at all and he was just even more confused than he thought.

He'd tried to ask his mother for help, but every time he'd go to bring it up, he'd be overrun with panic and made up an excuse to leave.

So now, here he was, on Bill Denbroughs door step, rambling on too fast for Bill to pick up any of what he was saying, all while quite near sobbing.

"Stan! s-slow-slow down! I can't h-hear you!"

Stan stopped rambling and looked up at him. "I need help! I'm- I'm so confused! I can't take it anymore! I can't sleep, I can't think! I can't take it! I cant!-" He all but yelled, pulling on his hair in frustration.

"C-come in i— My par-parents aren't home yeh-het."

Stan barged past Bill, zooming straight up the stairs to his bedroom before Bill could comprehend the last few seconds.

"So— wha-hats going on??" Bill asked, closing his bedroom door and watching Stan pace back and forth.

"How did you know?" Stan blurted, still pacing.

"What—"

"The thing! The thing that you told us on the fourth of July! How could you be sure of it? I mean— what if— What if— I dunno, its not the right label? or— what if i'm just confused about it—"

"Wait, you think y-you're..?-"

Stan stopped dead in his tracks, staring at the ground.

"I dunno?!" He sighed, throwing himself down onto Bills bed and covering his face in his hands. "I might be?? Im not sure! I can't find anything on it in the libraries! How did you know?!"

"Well- I liked girls.. but I also li-hike boys..?"  Bill shrugged, a little unsure of how to explain it.

Stan groaned, pulling at his hair. "Not helpful!"

"I'm s-sorry! But, I don't understan-stand it fully either!"

"Ugh!" Stan groaned again, clenching his eyes shut.

"May-maybe you could like- explaih-explain why you think you're b-bih-hi-bisexual?"

Stan exhaled, calming himself down. "Well- So- When I like girls, I know that I like them? Like- its like 'Ah. I like her.' ..but- Theres this.. boy.. that I might like? But its so— confusing! Cause- I see him with this other boy— and I wanna pull him away or I wanna just— like— protect him from everything bad in this world, even though I know he's totally capable of doing that himself? so its like.. 'Ah, I like her.' But 'Oh..? I like him..?' But i'm not even sure if I do..! Its all so confusing! I've never felt like this with anyone else like.. ever? I dunno.."

"W-wow. I actually toh-totally understand that in the most confu-confus-hing way pos-possible?" Bill furrowed his eyebrows visible confusion on his face.

"I don't understand! Why does it have to be different?! Why can't I just know what i'm feeling?! I hate this! Why can't I just be normal?!" Stan buried his face in his hands as he spoke, his words muffled but audible enough for Bill to hear.

"Normals b-bor-boring." He shrugged. "Plus, what even Is nor-normal anymore? I mean- we liter-literally call ourselves the losers club, and yeh-het.. I never feel like a lose-loser with you guys. Could you im-imagine if our whole fr-friend group was full if nor-normh-hal people?? We wouldn't of lasted a w-week."

Stan let out a weak laugh. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Still sucks not being able to know what i'm feeling, though." He whispered, laying back and staring up at the ceiling.

Bill was silent for a while, his expression indicating he was having an internal battle.

"Is it Richie?"

Stan sat up, his back as straight as a pencil and his hands folded in his lap.

"I— what are you implyi— I don't know what you m— no— I— What...?"

"The b-boh-boy. Is it Richie?"

"What?! What are you-?! I mean- No?? He-?? No! ..no!"

"Stan."

Stan was silent.

"I s-see the way you look at him, d-dude."

"What- I don't- I don't know what you mean." He shrugged.

"Fourth of July? The stai-staring? The suh-suht-subtle flirting?"

"That- Thats not- you- i wasn't flirting! I was just- he's my friend!"

"Mhm."

"Im not lying!"

"Uhuh."

"Stop! Fuck!" He sighed, burying his face in his hands one more time. "Who else knows?" He mumbled, his voice muffled by his hands.

"What?"

"I said," Stan lifted his hands a little, digging his palms into his eyes. "Who else knows?"

"Jus-Juh-Jus-st me.. and Ben."

"Ben?!"

"He-hes smart! Not my fau-faul-halt!"

Stan was quiet for a while, staring down at his hands as he toyed with his shirttail.

"S-so.. you do li-like him?"

He stayed silent for a few more seconds. "I mean- its not as if it matters anyway. He'd never even see me that way. I'll- I'll get over it. 'S not as if he likes me back. I'll get over it. I will."

"Don't you th-thih-hink you could at leah-heast try to tell him? I mean- He mih-hi-might feel the same-"

"No. He wont. Im- He- Eds-"

"Wha-hat about Eds-"

"Im ninety nine point nine percent sure they- have something going on.. So-"

"What?! Du-dude thats crazy. They w-wouldn't..- I mean- ..no! Eds is s-straight?"

"I wouldn't be so sure about that." Stanley mumbled, standing up. "Thanks for your help, anyways.. Still not sure what this whole thing is.. but thanks anyway. I should get going now."

"Oh.. Okay. B-bye. I guess."

•*•*•*•*•*•*•

Stan guessed the time was around 10:30 when he left Bills house. The streets were fairly empty, only the odd car or two driving by every now and again. Most people would be asleep by now, only a few houses that he had walked past had their lights on.

He'd took the long way down Witcham St, deciding a longer walk would be good to clear his head. He was now walking down Main St., both Eddie and Richie lived on this street.

"Oh. Hey, Stan!" Eddie panted, running up from behind him.

"Hi." Stan mumbled, barely glancing at him.

"Whatcha doin?"

"Walking home."

"Same. I was at Richies." Eddie shrugged. "Where were you?"

"Walking."

"Just walking?".

"Just walking." Stan repeated, nodding slightly.

"You good? You seem a little.. y'know.. the way Richie gets when he's like- panicking inside.. i guess?"

"Fine." Stan shrugged. "'M fine."

"Right." Eddie nodded. "Well, have a safe walk home, i guess." He smiled, stopping outside of his own house.

"Bye." Stan halfheartedly waved, staring down at his scuffed sneakers and walking on.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•

i have a strong hatred for donald uris after that one deleted scene
iykyk