My Little Mind Reader

34. When the Past Hurts

Beam's POV

"What just happened?" I asked myself over and over again as I drove back to my dorm. I couldn't get Yo's words out of my head. He knew things that no one knew, not even Pha and Kit.

I never talked about what I'd done to my sister, I was too ashamed. Only Pha and Kit were witness to that colossal error in judgement. Neither of them would have said anything. And Yo knew that I wanted Forth, even though I hadn't told anyone, not even Forth. Every time we were together, I acted like I wanted him gone as soon as we were done. In my heart, I would have given anything for him to stay with me. Just cuddling, like a real couple.

I headed up to my room, wondering how everything had gone so wrong. It wasn't just that I had obviously messed up the friendly rapport of our group, I'd also messed things up with Forth. After he'd left my room last week, he hadn't come back. He wasn't responding to my texts or my calls. I showed up at his dorm, but he never answered the door.

It reminded me of the way Pha treated Yo not too long ago, when he'd dumped him like he was trash. Was I being ghosted? How was that even possible? Forth was the one who kept asking me to be his boyfriend. I was the one who wanted to keep things casual.

I was still trying to figure out how the world had gotten so complicated when someone knocked on my door. I really didn't want to answer it, knowing it was probably Pha or Kit, or worse, both of them. I couldn't deal with their questions right now.

"Beam!" Forth's voice sounded in my hall. "Open the door."

Ok, forget it, I'll take Pha and Kit. I cannot handle Forth right now. I was not opening that door. Right? My heart wavered. I'd barely seen him all week, and even if he was mad right now, I knew a few minutes of kissing would get him into my bed. That man had no willpower. I opened the door.

"We need to talk," Forth said, but I ignored his words and pulled him into my arms, kissing him desperately. His body responded immediately, pulling me closer and deepening our kiss. Oh, how I missed this. I lead him to the bed, not breaking our kiss, and was working on taking off his shirt when he pulled back. He grabbed my hand and walked us to the couch, sitting down on the opposite side, so we weren't even touching.

"You really want to argue now?" I asked with sigh, thinking longingly of the things we should be doing.

"I don't want to argue, I want to clear something up," Forth said, looking serious. "I like you, Beam. I really want to be with you."

"Great," I said, trying to scoot closer to him again, but he pushed me gently away.

"I want you to be my boyfriend," Forth clarified. Here we go again. I didn't want that. Whenever I tried a 'real' relationship, things went wrong. "I know you want me and I know something is holding you back."

"Just because Yo said I care about you, doesn't mean ... ," I started, but Forth leaned forward to cover my mouth with his hand. When he let go, I tried again, "That was just sex ... ."

"Don't say things you don't mean," Forth said calmly as he covered my mouth again. "If I leave here now, I'm not coming back. I want you, but I'm not playing games. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy."

My first instinct was to tell him to get out, but he was still covering my mouth, so I had a minute to think. Would he really just walk away? Did I care? I really did. I cared too much. I didn't want to admit it, but everything Yo had said today was true. He'd said things I'd never wanted to hear out loud. But he'd been so gentle when he said them, like he didn't want me to be hurt, that I couldn't even be mad at him.

For now, I was left with two options. Tell the truth and risk Forth rejecting me or let him go for good. Neither seemed like a good choice, but only one gave me a chance to be happy. I looked at Forth as he slowly removed his hand from my mouth. I guess it was now or never.

"I'm not the person you think I am," I started, willing myself to be brave. "I don't want to lose you, but if I tell you the truth, you won't stay with me."

"Why would you lose me, Beam?" Forth asked, moving to sit next to me. He took hold of my hands and looked in my eyes. His eyes were so dark brown and they seemed to be looking straight into my heart. Could I trust him? "Yo said I needed to talk to you, that you have reasons to believe I'll reject you. Whatever reasons you have, that was the past. I'm here now, I won't give up easily."

I looked at him, trying to gauge his honesty. In the back of my mind, I wondered how Yo knew so much, but I needed to focus on Forth right now. I really didn't want to lose him, so I might as well go all the way. Better to find out if he could be trusted now than to promise to give it a try and be dumped later, when he had too much of my heart to leave with it still intact.

"My parents were together for 20 years," I said slowly, telling the story that very few people would ever know. "When I was 12 years old, just after my birthday, I went out with some friends to the mall. On the way, we passed a hotel and my dad was standing out front with a woman that wasn't my mother."

My throat ran dry and I suddenly couldn't swallow properly. Forth was watching me, not saying anything, but he squeezed my hand and it gave me the courage to continue, "I waved to him, but he ignored me. He walked inside that hotel, holding hands with a woman I didn't know, and he ignored me even though I know he saw me."

Forth looked like he wanted to say something, but now that I started, I really needed to finish, "That night, he called me into his study. He said that he didn't mean for it to happen and that I didn't understand how hard it was for him. He talked about how I was old enough to become a real man. Real men understood that their needs couldn't always be met by just one woman, so real men did what they had to do to make sure they had what they needed. Real men sometimes had to keep secrets so that no one got hurt. He told me that when I was older, I would understand, and I would do the same thing."

I took a deep breath while Forth held my hands, then I continued, "When I kept his secrets, he gave me things I wanted, he called them rewards for being responsible. When he was worried I might tell the truth, he talked to me about how much I was hurting my mother. How I'd lose both of them if I told her. That's when I realized I was just like him. I lied to my own mother so that they would both love me."

Tears streamed down my face as I remembered how I felt at 12, trying to understand something that was never really explained, "He died when I was 17. In his will, he left money in a trust for each of his children, my sister, myself, and two little girls from two other women. The worst part was that my mom wasn't even surprised. She'd known all along, she even knew that I knew, but she didn't say anything because she didn't want him to leave."

"Beam," Forth stopped me when I was going to continue, "that doesn't make you a bad person."

"What?" I asked. "I made the choice... ."

"Your dad was wrong to cheat on your mother, and he was wrong to put that pressure on you, love should never be conditional," Forth said, pulling on my hands until I was in his arms. "They were both wrong for letting you carry that burden alone when they should have been protecting you. None of that was your fault."

I was going to say something, to explain how it was my fault, but he stopped me, "Wanting your parents to love you does not make you a bad person. Choosing to keep quiet because it meant your family stayed together does not make you wicked. You were a child. And I'm not like your father, either. I'm going to be honest even when it makes you angry with me. I'm not going to leave if you do something wrong. I'm going to hold on. Because real men don't give up when things get difficult. We're both going to make mistakes, because we're both real men who have real problems. But if you don't give up on me, I promise, I won't give up on you."

Then his arms were around me, holding me tightly with my face against his chest. I could feel the tears pouring down, getting his shirt wet, but he didn't pull away. He kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back as I leaned against him. We stayed that way, not talking, until my tears ran dry and my eyes started to close. When I was almost asleep, I felt him lift me carefully and take me to the bed. I was too tired to complain or even to be embarrassed. He laid me on the bed and spooned up behind me, keeping me safe in his arms.

Sleep was pulling at me, making my brain fuzzy, but in the back of my mind in a peace-filled place, I knew I had made the right choice. Forth was not like my father. He wouldn't hurt me. Maybe I could stop blaming myself and make things right with the people I loved.